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SCENE 1. INT/EXT. SCOTT FAMILY HOUSE/SCOTT FAMILY DRIVEWAY – MORNING [07.30]
MICK ROLLS OUT OF BED, WITH HIS SOCKS ON, TAKES ONE OFF, SMELLS IT, SMILES AND PUTS IT BACK ON AGAIN.
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MICK SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE OGLING PAGE 3 OF THE SUN DRINKING A COFFEE AND HOLDING A SLICE OF TOAST. LOOKING AT HIS WATCH HE JUMPS UP KNOCKING OVER HIS COFFEE, SPILLING IT OVER THE NORKS.
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MICK GETTING INTO HIS CAR, BUCKLING UP, DOING HIS CHECKS AND PUTTING THE CAR INTO REVERSE. EATING HIS TOAST, HE REVERSES BACK, HITTING THE DRIVE GATE POST SETTING OFF THE AIRBAG.
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TITLE CREDITS
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SCENE 2. INT. MICK’S CAR – MORNING [08.30]
MICK IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT WITH A STUDENT, ANGIE. ANGIE IS DRIVING THROUGH A RURAL ESTATE.
ANGIE – LATE TEENS, BLONDE WEARING A T-SHIRT AND JEANS.
MICK:
Slow down for the speed bump please Angie.
ANGIE:
What speed bump?
AS THEY HIT THE SPEED BUMP THE GLOVE BOX FLIES OPEN AND A PORN DVD FALLS OUT. MICK DOESN’T SEE IT.
MICK:
That speed bump, you have got to pay more attention to the road.
ANGIE NOTICES PORNO AT MICK’S FEET
ANGIE:
What’s that?
MICK LOOKS DOWN, SEES THE DVD AND GOES RED
MICK:
Nothing. Didn’t I say to keep your eyes on the road, and not at my feet?
ANGIE:
(LAUGHING) You’re right Mick, sorry.
MICK STARTS TO MOVE THE DVD UNDER THE SEAT WITH HIS FEET, TRYING NOT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO WHAT HE IS DOING
MICK:
Next right please Ange.
ANGIE:
Nah, I don’t fancy going right.
MICK:
OK then, which way?
ANGIE:
This way
MICK:
That wasn’t a porno you know.
ANGIE:
(LAUGHING) What wasn’t?
MICK:
That DVD. It was a freebie from the natural world mag.
ANGIE:
Of course Mick. A humping mammal special was it?
MICK:
Right Angie, back to HQ.
ANGIE:
Sure thing, Michael.
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE ANGIE’S HOUSE
MICK:
OK, the old spondollies please
ANGIE:
Nope! I won’t be paying for this lesson
MICK:
What? Why?
ANGIE:
Well, we wont want Penny you’re precious daughter to find out your obsession with ‘Becky the Busty Brunette’s adventures in slutville’ now would we?
MICK:
Blimming heck Ange
ANGIE:
Same time next week then Mick? See ya.
ANGIE WALKS BACK TO HER HOUSE LAUGHING AND EXITS
BACK IN THE CAR MICK HITS HIS HEAD WITH HIS CLIPBOARD NUMEROUS TIMES
MICK:
Can my day get any worse?
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SCENE 3. INT. SCOTT FAMILY KITCHEN - DAY:[09.50]
AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE EATING CEREAL ARE MICK’S TWINS SERGE AND PENNY (17). THE TABLE IS FULL OF BIRTHDAY CARDS AND PRESENTS
MAGGIE (45) HIS WIFE IS HOLDING ABBIE (7 MONTHS) STANDING NEXT TO THE TWINS
MICK WALKS IN
MICK:
Morning all. Lie in did we? And how are my birthday twins?
PENNY:
(UNDER BREATHE) we’re 17 not 7.
SERGE:
Yeah all good dad. Look what Penny got me.
SERGE HOLDS A TOY LIGHTSABRE
MICK:
And what did you get Penny, Serge?
PENNY:
Nothing.
MICK:
Nothing?
SERGE:
I told you it’s in the post, promise.
MICK PULLS SERGE TO THE SIDE AND SQUEEZES HIS ARM
MICK:
Is it?
SERGE:
Is it what?
MICK:
In the post?
SERGE:
Nah I forgot.
MICK:
She’s your twin, how hell do you forget?
SERGE:
I don’t know, its no biggy.
MICK:
You bloody forget every year. You best get her something today.
SERGE:
But dad! It’s Saturday.
MICK TURNS BACK TO FACE MAGGIE AND PENNY.
MICK:
Guess what I got my favourite twins?
MICK STARTS TO RUB HIS HANDS TOGETHER
PENNY AND SERGE:
(UNEXCITED) Driving lessons!!
MICK:
(DISAPPOINTEDLY) Did you tell them Mags?
MAGGIE:
As if I would!
MICK PULLS OUT TWO COPIES OF THE HIGHWAY CODE FROM HIS BACK POCKET
MICK:
And look what I have here. Two special copies of the highway code.
HANDS OUT THE HIGHWAY CODES
SERGE:
What’s so special about these particular ones?
MICK IGNORES SERGE
MICK:
You know what I say kids ‘to be king of the road, read the Highway Code’.
MAGGIE:
When have you ever said that?
SERGE:
Thanks dad, but ill just take the money. I’m taking lessons with Bill Morris.
MICK:
You’re what?
SERGE:
Been told his pass rate is better than yours.
MICK:
He has taken my own flesh and blood. He will be after my wife next.
MAGGIE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS BEEN CAUGHT OUT
MAGGIE:
What? I mean of course not, what ever made you think of that?
MICK:
What? I was joking.
MAGGIE:
Coffee?
MICK:
What about you Penny, are you going with that scumbag?
PENNY:
Nah, I won’t be able to concentrate dad.
MICK:
(SHOCKED) Why?
PENNY:
Billy is F-IT!
MICK HANGS HEAD IN SHAME
MICK:
Argh, this is not my family.
PENNY:
Anyway it will be cheaper going with you.
MICK:
It sure will. (UNDER BREATHE) For the first ten lessons, anyway.
PENNY:
Pardon?
MAGGIE:
Yeah, pardon?
MICK:
What? Well, I’ll be giving you at least half an hour of working week love. There is more to the instruction of driving than the adverts say you know, thirty grand, ha they have got to be joking.
MAGGIE:
You’re so tight Michael!
MICK:
I don’t charge you any rent.
MAGGIE:
I’m your wife
MICK:
And? Kids common I’m gonna take you out for your first driving lesson. Don’t forget to bring the codes, to be king of the roads.
SERGE:
Nah, I’m going with Bill.
MICK:
I’ll show you why I’m better. Let’s hit the road.
MICK AND PENNY EXIT
MAGGIE:
Go Sergio, it will put a smile on your dad’s face,
SERGE:
OK. I’m still going with Bill though
MAGGIE:
I know dear.
