Coffee room sketch

Hello

I wrote this sketch this afternoon while I should have been working!! Let me know what you think please, crits. etc. There's some swearing for those easily offended!! Hope you like.

SCENE: TWO WORK COLLEAGUES PASS IN THE COFFEE ROOM AT WORK.

DAN:
Hi John, how are you?

JOHN:
Yeah fine.

(beat)

DAN:
Oh right! So I take the time to ask how you are and I only get a two word reply?

JOHN:
Well sorry, I don't know what to say. Two words just seemed sufficient.

DAN:
Sufficient?! My question had at least five words in it! I think the least you could have done was to go to six seeing as I took the initiative.

JOHN:
OK, 'yeah I'm fine...er, a bit tired'

DAN:
I don't want to hear your excuses now!

JOHN:
No that's my answer. Six words.

DAN:
Oh right. Well it was just a bit rude is all. I took the time to ask how you were and you dismiss me with a curt, two word response. How do you think that makes me feel?

JOHN:
I dunno.

DAN:
You're doing it again!!

JOHN:
Look I'm sorry. Obviously we have different viewpoints on social interaction. I tend to respond with more brevity. And you're more, er, long-winded.

DAN:
Long-winded?! I only asked how you were!

JOHN:
You're right. I'm sorry. Is it possible we can start this conversation all over again?

DAN:
OK fine. Hi John, how are you?

JOHN:
F**k off!

P.S. In light of a recent sketch I read, Swertyd...the Dan character isn't you!!!

Think the dialogue needs chopping down a bit as it was a bit clunky in my view, but didn't see the punch line coming and it made me laugh. Not surprising, as it is one of my all time favourite punch lines.

I agree with steve a little bit fluffy but still gotta love the punch Line It will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly

I enjoyed

Thanks for your replies. Interesting, I actually thought it was pretty tight but seems it's still too wordy. I'll have another go at chopping down some of the longer sentences.

Any of the dialogue leading up to the punchline get laughs?

Thanks

I think the punchline sorta overshadows all that came before but its quite ammusing dialogue it would be loads better acted out as the thing that really draws the eye is that punchline mate but it's good in my opinion

Hi Shoepie,

Agree with the others, this is a very funny sketch, which made me laugh but some of the dialogue didn’t ring true.

For instance, instead of

JOHN:
Well sorry, I don't know what to say. Two words just seemed sufficient.

DAN:
Sufficient?! My question had at least five words in it! I think the least you could have done was to go to six seeing as I took the initiative.

Perhaps

JOHN:
What.

DAN:
My question had at least five words in it! I think the least you could have done was to go to six seeing as I took the initiative.

Good luck with it

This read a lot like a Two Ronnies sketch, albeit with too many lines. Still enjoyable nevertheless.

I echo the punchline praise. Very funny, and didn't see it coming at all.
A little bit of work on the lead up dialogue and you're there. e.g. "My question had at least five words in it!" doesn't convince me. How about "My question had, what, five words in it?" In my office, I think the number of people who counts the number of words in their spoken sentences is pretty low.

Hi ShoePie

I liked this very much and as the others have said the punchline was very good.

Probably because we get involved in the pettiness of the argument and don't see it coming.

Nice one.

great it isn't to "fluffy" it is straight to the point, kinda realistic i again agree it has a good unexpected twist at the end, it isn't a sketch where you laugh all the way through and then laugh at the end it is a sketch where you roar with laughter at the end.
well done
any chance to see some more?

NEW SIG TIME AGAIN

Hi Shoepie, I would go for something like this, just some subtle changes:

DAN:
Hi John, how're you?

JOHN:
Me? fine.

(beat)

DAN:
That's it? Fine?

(beat)

DAN
I take the time to ask how you are, and I only get a two word reply?

JOHN:
Well sorry Dan, I don't know what to say. I thought that would suffice.

DAN:
You thought.... My question had.. what... five words in it? I think the least you could've done was go to six.... Seeing as I took the initiative.

JOHN:
OK yeah. 'OK. I'm fine...er, a bit tired'.

DAN:
Now you give me excuses?

JOHN:
No, that's my answer. Six words. Not counting the 'er'.

DAN:
Oh.. right. I see... Just felt a bit rude. I took the time to ask how you were and... you dismiss me with a curt, two word response. How d'you think that makes me feel?

JOHN:
Dunno.

DAN:
You're doing it again!!

JOHN:
Look I'm sorry. Obviously we have a different stance on social interaction. I tend to respond with more brevity... And you're more, er, long-winded.

DAN:
Long-winded?! I only asked how you were!

JOHN:
You're right. I'm sorry. Can we start this conversation all over again?

DAN:
OK fine. This time... Hi John, how are you?

JOHN:
F**k off!

I thought that most of the dialogue leading up to the punch line was funny. Really excellent.

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments! It's nice to have such a great response.

Some quick individual responses:

Baumski:
Thanks, thats a great compliment!! Interestingly When I write sketches the voice in my head is always very English, like Python or the two Ronnies.... Well except when I'm nicking Simpsons jokes.

Steve, Badge and Barry:
Thanks for the re-write help guys. I'd never considered having a writing partner before but I've found it a big help reading your ideas. Seems there might be something to it!

Lewisroberts:
Thanks a lot, I've just recorded the audio for two sketches this weekend with some friends so hopefully I'll have some new material in animation form soon.

Thanks again everyone. This is now going on my list of sketches to animate one day!

Really liked it ShoePie and I was happy just with the dialogue, if you left the punchline out it would have still been great for me. I think if a sketch has good amusing dialogue throughout a punchline isn't necessarily needed (Keep the punchline though I'm just saying)

I don't know if I'm reading a revised edition or not but for me the language was perfect. I know people go on about keeping things tight and quick, but that isn't how language is in real life, and natural language makes me laugh more than anything else on TV. So there is something to be said for a bit of excess I think.

Quote: ShoePie @ January 23, 2007, 3:59 PM

P.S. In light of a recent sketch I read, Swertyd...the Dan character isn't you!!!

View original

Glad to hear it!

I like the sketch. Can be cut down quite a bit I think but the idea is a nice one. Could do with a couple more jokes in there just to build up the tension so the 'f**k off' is more of a pay-off at the end.

Well done

Dan

Made me laugh. Very enjoyable. Loved the punchline i did not predict it so came as a wonderfuly funny surprise.