Goes on a bit, but there you go :-)
8AM INT. TV STUDIO eg. This Morning
TV PRESENTERS PHILIP AND FERN ARE HAVING THEIR REGULAR AGONY AUNT PHONE IN WITH AGONY AUNT DENISE ROBERTSON
PHILIP
(LOOKS AROUND)
Right, well that’s this weeks round up done and now its time to say hello to the Nation’s favourite agony Aunt Denise Robertson
Denise looks to the camera giddy with self congratulation and warbles a ‘Hello’ to ‘the Nation’ in her North East accent.
FERN
Welcome Denise.
(LOOKS TO CAMERA WITH SINCERITY)
Today’s topic is a common but often unspoken situation that many families face, whilst not traumatic can leave many families in uncomfortable silences for many years.
DENISE
Thank you Fern
(LOOKS HARD INTO CAMERA)
Yes.
Masturbation is a topic that isn’t discussed at the dinner table.
Yet it goes on in every house hold in the Nation.
FERN
(SHEEPISHLY)
Yes it does.
DENISE
Now the problem arises when an adult witnesses their child or a child witnesses an adult committing this act of self pleasure.
It's how to handle that situation, that as a Nation we should all talk about more often.
Masturbation is not wrong, it is not sinful.
PHILIP
(FINGERS HIS EARPIECE)
Hello there. We’ve got Steven calling from
Cheshire on line one.
DENISE
(WARBLES)
Hello Steven, thank you for calling, can I ask how old you are Steven?
STEVEN
(LONG PAUSE)
Erm… nearly fifteen
DENISE
Oh right Steven, please go on.
STEVEN
Well I was on the internet and I was checking out this website my mate had sent a link to.
DENISE
(CONFIDENTLY KNOWLEDGABLE)
Something on Myspace Steven?
STEVEN
No. There isn’t any porn on Myspace.
DENISE
Oh..Oh
STEVEN
Anyway I was ya’ know, with the volume turned up a bit to get me really going and my ‘erm Mum caught me.
PHILIP AND FERN LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH STERN EMPATHY
STEVEN
I thought she was out at the shops, she usually is at that time.
DENISE
Well firstly Steven, this kind of thing isn’t uncommon for boys or girls your age, fifteen.
I think we as a Nation can sympathise with your situation.
Only by the grace of God are there those who haven’t been caught doing it.
Ofcourse when I was fifteen we didn’t have the internet, no, mainly Elvis Presley.
STEVEN
Oh right
DENISE
So your question is ‘ How do I talk to my mother about it ’ then Steven?
STEVEN
Er, no,
DENISE
(TO FERN)
Oh?
FERN
(TO PHILIP)
Oh?
PHILIP
(TO CAMERA)
Oh?
DENISE
(Desperate Warble)
Well how can I help you Steven?
What is it you want to know?
STEVEN
What’s a Queef?
DENISE
I’m sorry Steven? Could you say that again?
STEVEN
Queef
DENISE
Philip?
PHILIP SHRUGS
FERN
Steven?
STEVEN
Queef, what’s a Queef!? What is a Queef?
FERN
(confused yet professional)
We don’t know
DENISE
I’m sorry Steven I’m afraid I am not able to help you, however would you like to talk about when your mother caught you masturbating?
STEVEN
No not really
DENISE
Please?
PHONE LINE GOES DEAD
FERN
(TO CAMERA)
Oh well, you can’t please all the of the people all of the time.
On to line two and its Sue from Manchester.
SUE
(COMMON AS MUCK)
Hiyohh!
PHILIP,FERN,DENISE
Hi Sue
SUE
It’s a Fanny Fa....
LINE GETS CUT
DENISE
Oh, we seem to have lost you there Sue
PHILIP
Some sort of technically difficulty there.
However we’ve got Ian , who’s an accountant from Rochester on line three
IAN
Erm, yes, it’s about my son
DENISE
Go on Ian, how can we help.
IAN
Hmm yes, I was wondering, just was is ‘Dipping the Beef’?
DENISE
(MIFFED)
Well Ian I’ve often asked that question, time and time again and I’m still non the wiser so you may aswell save your phone bill and hang up now.
Camera pans around a little to show Fern and Philip pulling 'a face' whilst making an ‘O’ shape with there left thumb and index finger and poking their right index finger in and out suggestively.
THE END
