The Cabinet Apprentice
GORDON BROWN AS ALAN SUGAR AND MARGARET THATCHER AS SUGAR’S ADVISOR MARGARET. FACING SUGAR/BROWN ARE ALISTAIR DARLING AND RUTH KELLY.
BROWN
You all know why you’re here.
DARLING
With all due respect, Sir Gordon, I gave 110%-
BROWN
Shut up Darling. You’ve been given the task of managing this country’s finances and you’ve been giving 110%?! You ever stop to think, in that little brain of yours, that leaves us 10% in debt?! You can’t give 110%, it doesn’t flamin’ work!
DARLING
Erm-
BROWN
I gave you a simple task – a lorry-load of half baked policies, and asked you to sell them to the public. Margaret, have you got the figures?
MARGARET
Yes. Alistair Darling’s team, erm, they-
BROWN
Well it wasn’t a profit, was it?
MARGARET
No, because of Northern Rock it was in fact a £25 billion loss.
BROWN
£25 billion! (LOOKS AT MARGARET) Are you serious? Right, Ruth Kelly, let’s hear your side of the story. I set you the task of improving the transport network. You cocked it up, didn’t you?
KELLY
Well actually I disagree-
BROWN
Don’t give me any this and that, I don’t need it. Roads are jammed. Takes me forever to get anywhere, and I’ve got a Jaguar. You used to be in charge of schools. You messed up that task too, didn’t you? Margaret here tells me you let in a load of paedophiles. Now, I know it was a difficult challenge, but-
MARGARET
Paedophiles and schools are not a good mix.
BROWN
What a shower! What a flaming shower! Cabinet, you’re fired.
DARLING
What, me as well?
BROWN
Yes you. Why do they keep sending me these people? Run the country? You lot couldn’t run a bloody tap. Anyway Margaret, it does mean we get an early night. You know I’ll always be your apprentice, don’t you?
MARGARET GROWLS LIKE A TIGER
ENDS