Jeremy Kyle

THEME MUSIC FADES OUT. WE SEE A MAN, JEREMY KYLE (FOR IT IS HE) TALKING TO A DISABLED GUEST ON HIS SHOW.

KYLE
Welcome back to the Jeremy Kyle show. Chantelle-

GUEST
Stephanie-

KYLE
Whatever – you’ve got problems, and as regular watchers of the show will be aware of, I’m not a trained counsellor. But I do know one thing: you are a blood-sucking, obese loser, with an alcohol problem and a face like Jimmy Krankie. Why haven’t you found a job?

GUEST
I don’t have any arms.

KYLE
According to this lie detector test you have! (HOLDS UP RESULTS)

GUEST
It’s obviously wrong, isn’t it?! I can’t even fill out application forms!

KYLE
You’re pathetic. When I was a kid I ate the disinfectant blocks in the public urinals for dinner and slept in a hedge. And I still managed to hold down a full-time job.
Look at you. You’re a disgrace. You’ve had more buns in the oven than Gregg’s bakery.

GUEST
Well you’ve got a gambling problem. And you’re not very tactful either.

KYLE
Twenty quid says I don’t. (HOLDS OUT HAND TO SHAKE ON IT. REALISES.) Oh, get lost. Cripple.

ENDS

That's pretty good, but the final punch is a little to mean, with out being quite funny enough.

It's not really intended to be mean, more to show how much of a bastard that smug git Kyle is.

Maybe I'll have Kyle say "time-waster" rather than "cripple" then.

I liked it. How about "benifits scrounger" or something like that?

I like the cripple line!

I bet he's a right twunt in real life.

It's more the no arm joke. I sort of thinking along the lines that a good punch, would be the guest out smarting him.

As a sort of twist.

Quote: James Williams @ March 24, 2008, 7:32 PM

THEME MUSIC FADES OUT. WE SEE A MAN, JEREMY KYLE (FOR IT IS HE) TALKING TO A DISABLED GUEST ON HIS SHOW.

KYLE
Welcome back to the Jeremy Kyle show. Chantelle-

GUEST
Stephanie-

KYLE
Whatever – you’ve got problems, and as regular watchers of the show will be aware of, I’m not a trained counsellor.

View original

Really loved this bit, but the rest didn't quite do it for me.

If you're going to do lots of Kyle stuff for your show, then you should really make him a runner (e.g. give him a catchphrase or something)

also with Kyle, put regular people up against him.

For example BJohnson, and KLivingstone, we're both racist, alkies, but which one screwed London?

Or whose Thatchers love child, Cameron or Brown?

This made me laugh (not least, because one of my best mates is the Series Editor for Trisha Goddard, so I'm always hearing about the rivalry between the two presenters). I agree it opens strongly, and the bit about sleeping in a hedge is the kind of irrelevant comedy that tickles me. Needs strengthening in places, and I'll go with the majority on the punchline - it needs to be cleverer.

Ooh, Trisha and Jeremy rivalry would be a good sketch.

I'd never seen this Jeremy Kyle bloke so I don't suppose I'm in the best position to criticise. Is he really that awful? He'd need to be to for the sketch to work of course. Is "twenty quid says I don't" a catchphrase of his? I don't think the last line is too mean - if anything it's not mean enough. If you're aiming to vilify the man you should go the whole hog. Punch him, urinate on him, make him eat urinal cake. Incidentally, urinal cake is a funnier expression than 'disinfectant block'.

I could be persuaded he's fair game but think one of the other suggestions is funnier than cripple or just plainly 'no armed twat'.

You could have him open up the gambling angle to the audience. "no I don't have a gambling problem, my audience knows that, in fact they'd bet on it, come on - who'll give me 20 quid", but it's not as strong as a clear punchline.

Like it though, contemporary culture sketches work for me.

Thanks for the comments.
Incidentally, this is a topical sketch I wrote off the cuff after seeing the front page of yesterday's Mirror - "Gambling addict Kyle back in bookie's" was the gist - in case anyone's not familiar with the story or think I'm having a purely random pop at Kyle!

http://petermusgrove.com/2007/12/03/im-genuinely-a-right-shit-house-claims-jeremy-kyle/