I posted this in the sketch comp already but I'd like to offer it up for crit also. I see it as an animation (for reasons that will become apparent).
INT. RECORDING STUDIO
A TECHNICIAN IS SAT IN A CONTROL BOOTH. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS, JACK ARRIVES. HE SHAKES OFF AN UMBRELLA.
TECHNICIAN:
Good morning, Jack. Everything okay?
JACK:
No, it isn’t. One of you jackass NASA freaks sideswiped me in the parking lot. What’s that gonna cost me? F**k!
TECHNICIAN:
I’m sorry to hear that, Jack.
JACK STEPS UP TO A MICROPHONE.
JACK:
Didn’t we do this message to space shit in the seventies already?
TECHNICIAN:
We sent it up on vinyl the first time.
JACK:
So what?
TECHNICIAN:
So what if they don’t have a record player?
JACK:
Okay, wise guy, just roll the tape.
TECHNICIAN:
We’re recording digital, Jack.
JACK:
You’re starting to piss me off, you know that?
TECHNICIAN:
Cool off, Jack, this is a goodwill message.
JACK:
I am cool!
TECHNICIAN:
Okay, okay! Listen, I have to step out for a leak. You good to go?
JACK:
Just get a move on.
TECHNICIAN:
Okay. And three, two, one…
HE PRESSES RECORD AND EXITS.
JACK:
(clears throat)
”This is a present from a small and distant word”. I mean world! F**k it!
HE PUNCHES THE MIC, CAUSING A SQUEAL OF FEEDBACK.
JACK:
You know what? You can go suck a bag of dicks, you stool-headed f**k! I’m not gonna stand here and eat shit for some gnome raping alien! I hope you hear this and come down here – I will throw you in a river and piss in your snorkel and when I’m done with that I’ll nail your wife like a f**king crucifix!
THE TECHNICIAN RETURNS TO THE CONTROL BOOTH.
TECHNICIAN:
We all done, Jack?
JACK:
Got it in one.
TECHNICIAN:
Great. Let’s just give it a quick listen.
JACK:
(menacing)
You calling me a liar?
TECHNICIAN:
No, you’re fine, Jack. I’ll send it straight to mission control.
EXT. SPACE
A NASA PROBE DRIFTS THROUGH THE COSMOS. A TRACTOR BEAM DRAWS IT INTO THE HATCH OF AN ALIEN SHIP. A MOMENT LATER:
ALIEN:
(O.S. and subbed)
Cock wizards!
INT. BACHELOR PAD
JACK IS SAT WATCHING A PLASMA SCREEN TV. THERE’S AN ENORMOUS EXPLOSION FROM OUTSIDE. HE RUSHES TO THE WINDOW. A LASER BEAM IS FIRING DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS.
EXT. SPACE
PLANET EARTH. CARVED INTO ITS SURFACE IN LETTERS A CONTINENT HIGH:
‘PWNED’
INT. BACHELOR PAD
JACK:
You missed me, you goddamn donut puncher!
ANOTHER BOLT FROM ABOVE. JACK’S HOUSE IS OBLITERATED.
EXT. SPACE
‘PWNED’ IS NOW SPELLED WITH A FULL STOP.
ALIEN:
(O.S. and subbed)
Suck it, f**ker.
