Sketch: 'Junk Diagnosis'

Anyone care to comment on this? (And yes, I know the formatting is wrong. )

INT. DOCTOR’S SURGERY. DAY.

A woman enters a doctor’s surgery and sits down facing her GP.

Doctor: Mrs Kent, sorry to call you while you were at work.

Mrs Kent: No, that’s quite all right. Is this about my tests?

Doctor: It is, yes. I’m sorry to say there’s bad news.

Mrs Kent: Really? How bad?

Doctor: Well, the tests show that the rash above your thigh is linked to a very rare condition.

Mrs Kent: Right. Is it … serious?

Doctor: I’m afraid so, yes. Mrs Kent, I’m not going to dress this up: you have a Twix intolerance.

Mrs Kent: I’m sorry?

Doctor: It seems that the sweet you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite … no, wait. That’s Milky Way, isn’t it? Ignore me. I mean the chocolate snack that’s just enough to give your kids a treat …

Mrs Kent: (interrupts) … that’s Fudge. Finger of Fudge? I’m sorry, what does this have to do with my rash?

Doctor: Finger of Fudge? Never heard of it. No, the one I’m referring to has two sticks of caramel on a biscuit base, covered in chocolate. Gold wrapper, red writing. I’m told they do it in a king size now as well …

Mrs Kent: Yes, Twix. I know what a Twix is. How does that relate to my rash?

Doctor: You’re more than a little partial to Twix, aren’t you Mrs Kent?

Mrs Kent: I have one occasionally, yes.

Doctor: Well you have to stop! If you don’t, that rash will spread the length of your leg. And then I’m afraid we shall have to operate.

Mrs Kent: Right. That is serious. How rare is this condition?

Doctor: One in fifty thousand people in the UK suffer from it, and every year, forty-five people need surgery. A small number of those die.

Mrs Kent: So I should just … stop eating Twix, then?

Doctor: I’d advise switching to something nuttier – Peanut M&Ms, Hazelnut Diary Milk, Walnut Whip … though I’d go easy on those.

Mrs Kent: Because they cause rashes, too?

Doctor: Worse. Blindness, malaria and internal bleeding.

Mrs Kent: Christ!

Doctor: Start off with a course of these …

Mrs Kent: Minstrels?

Doctor: That’s right. Don’t worry, you’ll find the chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

Mrs Kent: I bought some Maltesers at lunchtime. Should I take them back?

Doctor: Probably best to. In your condition I think the lighter way to enjoy chocolate would likely aggravate the situation.

Mrs Kent: Right. What about Mars?

Doctor: Mrs Kent, the last thing a Mars is going to do is help you work, rest and play. If anything, it’ll lead to a worse rash. Possibly plague. No, two Minstrels after meals is the answer here. If the rash does get more pronounced, try a Ripple. You can also try a Galaxy bar, but don’t have more than 200g in twenty-four hours. And not Galaxy Caramel, either! It’s the caramel that’s doing the damage. So, I'd suggest avoiding Rolos and Chomps, too.

Mrs Kent: Okay. Well … thank you, Doctor.

Doctor: Quite all right. Call me in a week and let me know how that rash is. Oh, and be careful of wrappers promising an 'instant win'. You’re not going to look your best in a bikini on a beach in Florida with all that broken skin on show.

Mrs Kent: Right. I’ll … try to remember that. Thank you again, doctor.

Mrs Kent leaves the doctor’s surgery.

Doctor: (To himself) Now, what to do about Mr Walsh’s Monster Munch allergy.

The doctor begins scribbling on a prescription pad.

Doctor: (Again, to himself) A course of Frazzles …

<END>

It's a good idea, but it's to long and over written. Needs a snappy beat

The snack you can eat between meals?
You can't

A finger of fudge is just enough, to give you a septic ulcer.

Also the punch line is a bit weak. Mr Jones is here, he's got terrible bite wounds from a peparami.

I warned him it was a bit of an animal.

Quote: sootyj @ March 24, 2008, 11:33 AM

It's a good idea, but it's to long and over written. Needs a snappy beat

The snack you can eat between meals?
You can't

A finger of fudge is just enough, to give you a septic ulcer.

Also the punch line is a bit weak. Mr Jones is here, he's got terrible bite wounds from a peparami.

I warned him it was a bit of an animal.

View original

Excellent suggestions there, sootyj. Thanks.

I would go with what Sooty has said, it has potential, I can really see your background in advertising with the style of writing here.

How do you mean, Paul (re: my style)? Short sentences, that sort of thing?

As for the sketch, anyone who wants it is welcome to it. It was just a test sketch based on an idea a friend and I had two years ago. It was certainly never intended for use. But you're right: sootyj's suggestions could be successfully incorporated.

Good start but I tink a bit overly long.

And when it was revealed she had Twix intolerance which showed on her thigh I thought maybe she didn't actually eat it.

It's amazing, isn't it, how the taste for longer sketches has diminished over the years. This one isn't actually very long at all if you time it (Mitchell and Webb have longer ones, so does Catherine Tate). Yet, because it looks long written down, we assume it must be long when performed.

Having said all that, I personally prefer short skits.