Quote: Barbs @ March 27, 2008, 1:29 PMAs a kid I hated my privileged middle class upbringing so much that I started to self harm. Sometimes I’d go a whole week without moisturising.
That's a great line. I'd mention one of mine, but all the ones I can think of are puns...
Quote: Barbs @ March 27, 2008, 1:29 PMMy best one liner is probably:
As a kid I hated my privileged middle class upbringing so much that I started to self harm. Sometimes I’d go a whole week without moisturising.
I've heard that before and I can't put my finger on where from... Do you do comedy in the midlands area Barbs?
By no means my best line, but one I used to use in stand-up...
"They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Which is probably the reason I was thrown off the Booker Prize jury."
Quote: Tim Walker @ March 29, 2008, 8:29 PMBy no means my best line, but one I used to use in stand-up...
"They say you can't judge a book by its cover. Which is probably the reason I was thrown off the Booker Prize jury."
Genius.
I came up with this today:
'They say the average man speaks just 7,000 words a day, while the average woman speaks four times that many, as though this proves women are more articulate. Wrong - it just proves they need to spend less time yakking and more time ironing.'
Quote: Antony Wheeler @ March 30, 2008, 11:16 AMtoday:
Don't you mean you went back to the 70s and came up with it?
Quote: zooo @ March 30, 2008, 11:19 AMDon't you mean you went back to the 70s and came up with it?
Zooo have you been sharpening your claws more than usual today?
And Wheeler, it's funny because it's true 
Quote: zooo @ March 30, 2008, 11:19 AMDon't you mean you went back to the 70s and came up with it?
Sorry, Zooo. 
Quote: Perry Nium @ March 25, 2008, 12:58 AMYou won't really get this because you're not reading it in the context of the full script - but this bit of dialogue always makes me chuckle.
MR LOWDER:
Poor child. My parents were also less than kind to me. As soon as I was wrenched from my mother’s womb and their gaze fell upon my pale, albino skin, my fate was sealed. I was sold to a travelling freakshow where I was kept naked in a straw-lined cage until I was sixteen, shackled and chained as hordes of leering cretins endlessly gawped, all jeering the cruel slogan that still haunts my every dream, “Malcolm Lowder, Malcolm Lowder, Looks a bit like talcum powder!”DALLAS:
(PAUSE) Bummer.And this is another favourite from the same script.
MR LOWDER:
No darling, I have yet to grace the small screen, but tomorrow that could all change. I’m auditioning for a part in a new drama series set on the North East coast. Working title, ‘Whitley Baywatch’.DALLAS:
Whitley Baywatch?MR LOWDER:
Yes, it’s much the same as the American version, except with less sun and surf and more dead tramps and dog shit.
That made me laugh - thanks, and it's very very early...
Quote: Paul W @ March 29 2008, 6:18 PM BSTI've heard that before and I can't put my finger on where from... Do you do comedy in the midlands area Barbs?
Did you hear it recently? I gave it to my mate who performed it several times around London. It might have been pinched and transported up the M6 :-(
Quote: Barbs @ April 1 2008, 3:18 PM BSTDid you hear it recently? I gave it to my mate who performed it several times around London. It might have been pinched and transported up the M6 :-(
No, I haven't been to london for years...
It's still getting to me even now, hate to say it but I feel like I've heard it on TV... (Not accusing you of anything).
But then again it could have been stolen and passed around...
This is from one i'm currently writing. It's dialogue between a camp Colombian man and his friend.
Claire:
Who's the cutey?
Thiago:
Oh he's my new boyfriend.
Claire:
What happened to Michael?
Thiago:
We break up yesterday.
Claire:
Really? I thought it was going so well.
Thiago:
Yeah but he had big problem with word commitment and was confused.
Claire:
Well relationships are a minefield.
Thiago:
He write to me a letter, it was nice but I not know he is dyslexic. I no understand that 'comment' should have been 'commitment', I was so confuse, so I tell him I can do no more.
This is my first post on this forum too, so to everyone, HI!!
BARBERS. INT. (DAY)
FRANK WALKS UP TO EDWARD WHO IS STILL SAT IN THE BARBERS CHAIR. MR CALLOW THE BARBER STANDS BY LOOKING WORRIED.
FRANK: (SIGHS) Yes?
EDWARD: Tapered or square?
FRANK: What?
EDWARD: Tapered or square? (BEAT) The hair at the back.
FRANK: What are you asking me for?
EDWARD: Well it maybe because I haven’t got eyes in the back of my head.
FRANK: You may as well have. You spend most of your time talking out of your arse. What’s wrong with using the mirror?
EDWARD: I don’t trust them - they make me look fat.
FRANK: Trust doesn’t come into it. You really do have a fat head.
Don't wanna be greedy but I have more than one. The 'arse' and 'fat head' lines are two of my favourites. 
Quote: Barbs @ April 1 2008, 3:18 PM BSTDid you hear it recently? I gave it to my mate who performed it several times around London. It might have been pinched and transported up the M6 :-(
You sure you didn't just read the older post on this site? It was on here a few weeks ago.
This exchange has gone down well with everyone who's read it. It's an excerpt from Grind Show, a sitcom of mine about a group of circus freaks who turn to careers in the porn industry. The following exchange is between porn star, Tyrone, and circus performer, Dinah.
TYRONE:
What do you do then?
DINAH:
I'm a contortionist-cum-swallower.
TYRONE:
You mean...
DINAH:
...I mean I'm a contortionist who also swallows swords.
(Uncle) Bob Johnson:
Is the glass half empty? Or is it half full? Uncle Bob says "who gives a crap!" because either way it needs a re-fill.