Hi Bohannon
Read up to the Hansom Cab bit and will try read more when I get time. First thing is (as has been mentioned) that you're writing a set-up episode and Writers' Room seem to want a mid-series episode, as it would be more typical of how a series would develop. See the sticky thread 'Rough Idea' (https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/410) for more discussion on this.
Right, points I noticed:
Lose the voiceover. You don't use it enough to justify keeping it. You don't say anything you can't get into the plot. Even if it's him mumbling to himself.
First scene: Hard to get a grip of the reader straight away. Start with the 'Finished! It is finished! ...' line as it pulls you in. Then you can go easily to:
ROSE
Well... not before time. I'm starving. Does this mean you'll now go out and get some gainful employment so we can eat? I can feel my ribs poking through my gown.
Scene 2 with Dickens: very funny but don't need the voiceover as what you're saying comes across anyway. Perhaps Gimley could sigh instead of voiceovering the second line.
Scene 3 is funny, but I think you've missed a golden opportunity to make out Charles Dickens to be a total arrogant twat of Robbie Williams' proportions. He could be selecting a woman for his agent to get back into his 'dressing' room and demanding an 'arena' tour taking it to the next level rather than these shitty little bookshops. ('Dillones' or something) Just a thought -- feel free to ignore but he could reappear through the series.
Scene 4 feels too long and I felt myself losing interest. I like the bit about the clown though.
Generally, it seems too long between the laughs. Yes, it's a good read but it's difficult to note the one-liners and the laugh-out-loud moments. I was reading with a smile on my face rather than giggling occasionally, which is more what a sitcom should really do.
Part of your rejection may well have been cost. Period sitcom would be expensive to film. Sorry but that's the reality. Might be better pitching to someone *after* you've had more success or re-writing it for radio as old-speech doesn't cost much, just old-costume. Obviously here you'd have to think of a different way of telling your visual gags.
Dan