I've had to rewrite this as a monologue due to casting difficulties.
Bloody pro actors cancelling for paid work!
See version at end of page 2.
Go on - do your worst. This is being staged on 31 May.
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CHRISTMAS DAY
Scene - a living room. A man and woman are exchanging gifts on Christmas Day.
WOMAN (Holding a dress up to her body) : Oh darling it's lovely. How did you know what to buy?
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE): How did I know? She’s been banging on about it for ages. (TO WIFE) Maybe I just know you so well.
WOMAN : I didn't think you'd realise.
SHE GIVES HIM A KISS
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE): I'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to realise. (TO WIFE) Well I saw it and I thought it was you all over.
WOMAN (Looking at the label) : And it's just my size.
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) : I got the girl in the shop to change it. Size 10 - you're having a laugh.
WOMAN : So are you going to open yours then?
MAN : OK then. (OPENS THE PACKAGE). Thanks love. It's just what I wanted. How did you know?
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE): Well actually - no it's NOT just what I wanted. It wasn't on my list.
WOMAN : I thought it would be a surprise.
MAN : It IS a surprise.
WOMAN : I thought I'd buy you something personal. If I bought you something off your list it wouldn't be a surprise would it.
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE): It may not be a surprise but at least it would be something I wanted wouldn't it.
WOMAN : Something that I'd given some thought about.
MAN (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE): She obviously didn't give it much thought did she? (TO WIFE) Thanks very much darling.
WOMAN (DISAPPOINTED) : You don’t look very pleased.
MAN : Honestly - it's lovely. (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) It's hideous - look.
WOMAN : You're not just saying that?
MAN : Well – actually I am.(ASIDE TO THE AUDIENCE) Oh no. I knew I'd said the wrong thing. Oh well - it's too late now.
WOMAN : What’s wrong?
MAN (HOLDING UP A SHIRT OBVIOUSLY TOO YOUNG FOR HIM): Well look – is this really me?
WOMAN : I thought you’d look lovely in it.
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) She obviously thinks I'm getting middle aged. (TURNS TO HIS WIFE) It's not really me is it though.
WOMAN : You mean middle aged and boring.
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Ouch - I wasn't expecting it double-barrelled. (TO HIS WIFE) It is lovely dear. But I really couldn’t imagine going out in it.
WOMAN : Thanks very much! I won't bother next time.
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) There's no backing out now. (TO WIFE) Well don't then - if you're going to buy me something you THINK I want. What's the point of asking me to write a list if you don't take any notice of what's written on it?
WOMAN : It gives me some idea.
MAN : Of what? What not to buy me?
(ASIDE TO THE AUDIENCE) Oh well - I'm in too deep now. (TO WIFE) Maybe in future I should write a list of all the things I don't want. Then maybe there'd be a good chance of getting somethjing I really wanted.
WOMAN: Well I didn't write a list.
MAN : You didn't need to! Although you might just as well have done. I mean "Ooh that's a lovely dress dear, do you think it would suit me", "What a gorgeous bracelet", "I think my watch has finally died on me darling."
WOMAN : Was I ungrateful that you didn't get me a new watch?
MAN : Probably. I did buy you the dress AND the bracelet.
WOMAN : But I really needed a watch.
MAN : Yes but I didn't know WHICH watch did I. You didn't actually point one out to me in a shop did you!
WOMAN : You could have just surprised me.
MAN : BOO! That surprised you didn't it!
WOMAN : Stop being so childish - and ungrateful.
MAN : Me ungrateful! What about you?
WOMAN : I needed a new watch.
MAN : I didn't have the time.
WOMAN : Oh ha ha!
MAN : Didn't I spend enough on the dress - and the bracelet?
WOMAN : So I'm not worth it then.
MAN : I'm not saying you're not worth it...
WOMAN : So you're putting a price on our relationship?
MAN : You're twisting things - as usual.
WOMAN : You are SO ungrateful.
MAN : ME?
WOMAN : You're the one who complained about your present.
MAN : So did you.
WOMAN : I didn't complain about what you bought me.
MAN : No - you complained about what I DIDN'T buy you. It's never enough is it.
WOMAN : So if I'd bought you something off your list you'd have been grateful.
MAN : Yes. You're the one who asked me to write a list. It's not as though loads of people buy me presents is it? Just you, my parents and your parents.
WOMAN : Well just wait to see what MY mum and dad bought you.
MAN : Was it on the list?
WOMAN : Well - not exactly.
MAN : Well there you are then. What really is the point of getting me to write a list?
WOMAN : I wanted some ideas.
MAN : Yeah, yeah. We've been through that. (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) How exactly does their mind work? (TO WIFE) So then buy me something else. That's female logic for you. I'm surprised you didn't buy me a watch that was slightly feminine and then if I don't wear it you could borrow it.
WOMAN : I wouldn't do a thing like that.
MAN : No - of course you wouldn't. What about those two rugby shirts you bought for my birthday?
WOMAN : Well you didn't wear them did you.
MAN : They were medium. You know I'm large.
WOMAN : Only in the wrong places.
MAN : I was never going to fit into them was I.
WOMAN : Maybe you should go on a diet then.
MAN : And one of them was pink. Do you really think that’s my colour? I wouldn't DREAM of buying you a dress that was too big. You'd go mental. And it's not as if I could wear it is it?
WOMAN : Ooh I don't know. Nothing would surprise me about you.
MAN : So what have your parents got for me then?
WOMAN : It's a secret.
MAN : Obviously something else I don't want.
WOMAN : Maybe - but it's definitely something you need.
MAN : And I love you too! So what is it?
WOMAN : Be patient. You'll see tomorrow when we go there for dinner.
MAN : So is it something interesting? Or something practical?
WOMAN : Both
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Both? (SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait. (TO WIFE - CHEERILY) I can't wait darling. (HE GOES TO GIVE HER A KISS) And a happy Christmas to you too. (SHE KISSES HIM BACK)
WOMAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Roll on the sales.
CLOSE
