First 10 pages You'd have to be mad to live here

Daveand Chaz are walking down the street, Dave is bent over and crying, and has a carrier bag. A shop security officer is following behind them.

Chaz
Now Dave let that be a lesson to you, you can’t go around shop lifting, one of these days, the nice people at Bluewater will call the police.

Dave
Oh Chaze mate, I’m very sorry, that special school, I never learnt how to be good.

Chaz
Mate I understand, but that’s what I’m here for, I’m your mate.

Dave

You are mate, you’re the best mate I ever had, you’re my best mate.

Shop security guard leaves.

Chaz
You know mate, I am, and what’s more he’s gone.

Dave
Nice one mate, give us a fag.

Chaz and Dave light up together. Dave is grinning now.
Dave
Chaz I’m so glad, you got community service at Scratchy House.

Chaz
Me too mate, now where were we today.

Dave
At St Bridgett’s day centre, making a bird house.

Chaz
What happened to the bird house?

Dave
Eppy Barry smashed it up, cos the staff wouldn’t give him a can of coke.

Dave
Nice one mate.

Scene 2
Janet is at her desk in the office, talking to Karen.

Janet
I have had it, we are being audited today, and the local vicar is visiting, Lower Scratching Home for the learning disabled will blinkingly well be on top form…..sorry Jesus.

Karen looks to large crucifx on the wall.

Karen
I know what you mean, it’s just an anarchy these days, I mean you work with these learning disabled clients, and they talk about challenging behaviours……but, well when it hits you, it

Karen
Janet has some borrowed your mug again?

Janet
Yes

Karen
Get over it, these things happen.

Karen
But supposing they made coffee in it, I mean I only like tea, and no matter how you scrub, and scrub it there might, be some coffee, I mean it might be only a speck, an atom even, but I’m so sensitive to it, and…

Janet
That’s enough.

Karen
And I heard about this man in the states, and he was caffeine sensitive, and he just smelled a cup of coffee, and he had a heart attack, his heart literally exploded.

Janet
Shut up!

Karen
I’m so sorry, I was doing it again, it’s just it’s my mug, and I do the little tea chart, that says how every body likes their tea, and my mug has Janet’s mug don’t use written on it, and it’s even got a picture of my cat Robert Mugabe on the side.

Janet
Janet have you ever thought you might be a little autistic, a bit obsessive? Never mind, we need to make sure today goes by with out a hitch.

Karen
Not as obsessive as, you and Mr Spock.

Janet
That’s completely different, and never mention that name in my presence again, never.

Scene 3 The day room in the home

Chaz
Right then boys, and girls lets see what we’ve got. Now Alan you wanted a copy of “World of War craft III,”
Dave hands him a disc, takes money off of him.

Dave
Tina, and Jason got your vouchers for the London

Dungeon.

Hands over an envelope to them, takes money off of him.

Dave
And Denzel that magazine your mum won’t let you buy.

Hands over a brown paper envelope, takes money off of him

Dave
Don’t open it hear mate,

Chaz
We don’t all want to go blind, bedrooms best place.

Carole
Hello chaps what’s going on here.

Chaz
Oh erm we did some, shopping for the guys, and gals on the way back from the day centre, Chaz made the most beautiful bird house, didn’t you mate.

Dave
Fantastic it was, with like a little bed, and working windows, and..

Carole
AndEppy Brian smashed it up…..again. Like when you made that porcelain cup, or when you made that scale model of the Bayeux tapestry and he ate it,

Chaz
He’s a terrible philistine that Eppy Brian.

Carole
Does he even exist, I mean if I was to contact the St Bridgett’s day centre, and ask about an “Eppy Brian” would they know who I was talking about?

Dave
Yeh he’s like Qunetin Crisp, but with developmental disability, and a heavy thermos, for smashing stuff.

Chaz
Mate leave it we’re rumbled, done up like a kipper

Dave
It’s a fair cop, were bang to rights, we’ll come quietly

They break into an improtu version of It wasn’t me, with the rest of the group joining in, before holding out their wrists as if to receive cuffs.
CaroleOk, enough already, now for that shopping you do have a receipt for every one,

Dave
Erm, ah, it’s gifts, it’s the shops were giving stuff away, it’s a special early Christmas, for the learning disabled.

Carole
And the money?

Chaz
Donation.

Carole snatches the money.

Carole
This will go nicely in the holiday fund, Butlins here we

come.

General cheering.
Chaz starts wandering off.

Carole
Not so fast Chaz we need to have a chat, don’t we mate.

Scene 4 Walking down the corridors of the home.

Janet
This place is not up to scratch, it’s wrong, possessed even.,

Karen
Mugs being borrowed.

Janet
Karen!

Karen
Sorry.

Janet
I was talking to my Pastor yesterday, Peter Pire,

Karen
Pire and Brimstone, isn’t he a bit passionate?

Janet
He’s a true believer, a Christ warrior, in his every holy sinew, a strong passionate, a mighty thewed…..

Karen
Does your husband; know you speak of him like that?

Janet
No he wouldn’t understand, oh don’t give me your look, you know personal mugs are not health and safety.

Karen
Oh sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t take my mug,

Janet
Well the pastor was saying, that those who are learning disabled, they’re more challenged, more challenged by the Devil. They’re more susceptible, to being a conduit towards his wicked ways.

Karen
Janet what are you actually saying, it sounds a little well, erm disturbed.

Janet
The truth is frequently disturbing, I just want to collect anything inappropriate, possessions, that can lead to possession you know what I mean.

Karen
Janet I must really protest, this is just wrong.

Janet
You know if you help me keep Satan out of this place, there might be a small space in the lockable cupboard for your mug.

Karen
It would be safe all day.

Janet
And if not, you know what fragile things mugs are……

Karen
Ok you win, I’ll help, what do you want me to do.

Janet
Thank you, we just need to keep an eye out for the dark one’s influence, you know you could be more help. Why can’t you be more like Chaz, he might be here on community service, but he’s a real asset, and you’re more of a…

Scene 5

Alan is in his room at his computer.

Alan
World of War Craft III, here I come, I’ve just raised an army of 500 demon warriors, I’m going to join up with the tribe of Demons from five other on line countries, and then were going to crush all before, soon all will be driven from the land, and the whole world will be ruled by his satanic majesty.

Alan laughs,

Cut to Karen and Janet listening at his door shocked.

Scene 6

Tina and Jason are sitting opposite each other on his bed.

Tina
Oh I can’t wait for our first proper date, I’ve been looking forward to this for so long
Cut to Karen and Janet listening outside the door, smiling.
JasonYes it’ll be so much fun; they’ll be candy floss, and rides, and heads on spikes.

Tina
People being pulled on the rack.

Jason
And of course the diseased prostitutes who get burnt at the stake every hour.

didn't you put this up before? is chaz and dave THE chaz and dave? that would make for a amusing sketch!

seems a little disjointed for me. the mug joke is a little over played and not really that funny. plus a support worker would not use the word "eppy" when referring to a client, fictional or otherwise. the people with learning difficulties all seem to talk very eloquently, which i don't think is very realistic. it was also short on laughs IMO.

Needscorrecting....

Janet
Janet have you ever thought you might be a little autistic, a bit obsessive? Never mind, we need to make sure today goes by with out a hitch.

Also here....

Karen
I know what you mean, it’s just an anarchy these days, I mean you work with these learning disabled clients, and they talk about challenging behaviours……but, well when it hits you, it

Karen
Janet has some borrowed your mug again?

I think maybe the cup thing is over elaborated. I know small things do get blown out of proportion (!) in sitcoms but I think it was a bit too much.

Well we fall to rise. The eloquence, eppy reference, and cup stuff are all from real life (work experience). It goes to show life, is rarely as funny, as comedy. Sigh back to the editing, and drawing board.

They're just comments and suggestions. Most of us are in the same position - ie. bending over backwards!

i am a support worker and if anyone referred to a client in a negative light, i.e. "eppy" then they would be severely reprimanded, plus the majority of my clients are not that eloquent. sorry.

When I read it first I didn't get the eppy reference.

Is it just you being sensitive?

Ah Wayne there's a touch of exaggeration. I'm thinking more of my experience of having to handle disciplinary meetings, and supervisions for just that kind of behaviour, and language.

All responses, and critique are welcome. I think critically at the moment I'm just trying to find my own voice.

Wayne good to see, a fellow care professional on the forums.

To be honest with this script, I was looking to see if I could do plotting, and multi stranded plots. The language is I supposed kinda clunky.

by "you" do you mean me or sootyj? if me, i'm not really being sensitive, just saying that the dialogue isn't really that realistic. if for example chaz and dave used the word "eppy" and were then told off for it by carol, then it would have a bit more realism about it.

i don't have a problem with un pc stuff, and in fact like the idea behind this, and also understand that it's an exageration (what comedy isn't?) on "real" life, it's just that dialogue has to be "real" otherwise people will just turn off.

Not sure, didn't use the word you, maybe I mean both of us. I think you've stumbled on a joke that didn't really work. Probably would need a scene where Carole pulls him up, but didn't have space. I was more playing with the mordant humour of the client's I've supported. The Eppy Dave is a character mentioned only by Dave, and once responsively by Carole(very much as in this some one you've discussed before). I suppose I was trying to catch the humour of some of the people I worked with.

Yes Wayne. Was your question addressed to my "your"?

It was.

And also as you say Carole could sort them out for it - but that's sooty's job.

Kind of inspired by a discussion I had on a Valuing People training course, with differently able people. Where we were looking for positive, none patronising representations of people with disabilities. All we could come up with, were Kevin and Timmy from Southpark, and to a lesser extent Andy from Little Britain,

I think I'd need to be a much better writer, to put over what I was saying.

yeah i've been on those value training courses to. on one of them we were told about an example of how one group of people wanted to dress up for a halloween party but were told they couldn't because it would look as though they were behaving like children. it was halloween for f**ks sake! let people do what they want.

as for david's comment "it's sootys job" i know that. he was asking for a critque and got one. i didn't tell him what to write or what not to write so i don't see what your problem is. what's the point of critquing something if your just going to say "i like it" or "i don't like it"?

Wayne your critique is most welcome. I had my doubts about this script, and wanted to see if they were justified, I think they were. I suspect sitcom is not quite, the place for what i want to say on this subject. Either that or in a gentler form, or as more a part of writing/improv thing with a group like Chicken Shed. Oh well on script 4, Death and Taxes.

Quote: wayne lewis @ March 21, 2008, 4:52 PM

as for david's comment "it's sootys job" i know that. he was asking for a critque and got one. i didn't tell him what to write or what not to write so i don't see what your problem is. what's the point of critquing something if your just going to say "i like it" or "i don't like it"?

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No - by that I meant it was a good idea but it's not my sketch - it's his - so I can't add it.

Words on a screen tend to get misinterpreted.