INTRO
KEVIN AND ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER ARE STANDING IN A ROOM THAT IS COVERED IN OVER TURNED FURNITURE, THEY ARE WEARING BRIGHTLY COLOURED ADIDAS TRACK SUITS THAT ARE INTRO
TORN, AND COVERED IN CHICKEN FEATHERS AND KETCHUP.
POLICEIt’s the chickens, sir it’s the chickens, they were planning it all along, we’re doomed
VIEW SWINGS TO AROUND SUDDENLY, AND SWINGS BACK TO POLICE. HE IS COVERED IN RUBBER CHICKENS STAPLED TO HIS CLOTHES, HE SCREAM DRAMATICALLY,
FX THERE IS ALOUD SOUND OF CLUCKING.
KEVIN(AS BUCK)No we’re cockadoodle-doomed.
INTERIOR STUDIO
PRESENTER
That was a scene from ITV’s ambitious and futuristic “Star Pigs,” and that was the controversial episode “We’re all clucked.”
We now present episode one of “Star Pigs,” or as it was properly named “Future police Station Wolverhampton in the year 1998.” One of the exiting 1980s Scifi Show by famous, Lord Lewd Greed’s Jackal Howls production company. Lewd was better known for his Lusty Tiger adult movies company, and brief period as an arms smuggler.
IMAGE
A POST CARD PICTURE OF WOLVERHAMPTON A LA 1970S, WITH CRUDELY DRAWN ON SPACE SHIPS, AND FUTURISTIC BUILDINGS A ROCKET ON A PIECE OF STRING DANGLES IN FRONT OF IT.
THE FOLLOWING SCROLLS UP THE SCREEN.
The year is 1998, after the terrible Gerbil uprising of 1989, mankind has taken his place amongst the stars. But this future has lead to future crime, and the only response future police…….this is the future of Future Police Station Wolverhampton in the year 1998. Sponsored this week by Paxo.
INTERIOR POLICE STATION
WHAT IS CLEARLY A SOFTLY SOFTLY ERA POLICE STATION, HALF HEARTEDLY MADE FUTURISTIC, WITH TINSEL, AND SIGNS SAYING “THIS WAY TO THE FUTURE TOILETS.” TVS WITH OLD TYPEWRITERS ATTACHED TO THEM, WITH SIGNS SAYING “THIS IS A COMPUTER”. ALL COPS ARE DRESSED IN EYE WATERINGLY BRIGHT ADIDAS TRACK SUITS, WITH REGULAR POLICE HELMETS, SOME HAVE GLAM ROCK MAKE UP. THERE IS A STACK OF CARD BOARD BOXES, WITH PLATES STUCK ON IT. THERE IS A SIGN ON THIS SAYING “VERY BIG COMPUTER” . A LITTLE OLD LADY WITH A SILVER SHOLLEY, WITH “HOVER SHOLLEY” WRITTEN ON IT IS TALKING TO A POLICE MAN AT THE DESK.
OLD LADYOoh my space cat, is stuck up a space tree,
POLICE MANThat’s alright love, we’ll jaunt there.
HE PRESSES A BUTTON, ON THE DESK MARKED JAUNT THEY GO WIBBLY ALA CRAPPY 70S SPECIAL EFFECTS, AND DISAPPEAR.
INTERIOR: KEVIN INTERVIEW.
A BEARDED, BUT BALD MAN IN A VERY NASTY SUIT IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY SOME ONE OFF CAMERA. HE IS KEVIN
KEVIN£10,000 that’s how much The Tomorrow People charged us for using that one word.
INTERVIEWERSo you were Captain Buck Apollo Kirk, of the Wolverhampton Space Police Force, do people still recognise you?
KEVINSadly only in my special appearances, it’s terrible to be a lead in a show ahead of it’s time. People weren’t ready for a hard hitting sci fi series that handled the issues that mattered, war, peace, Thatcherism?
INTERVIEWERAnd space chickens.
CUT TO IMAGE OF A MAN IN A YELLOW CHICKEN SUIT, HOLDING A RAYGUN.
KEVINIt wasn’t just chickens. We did some really relevant hard hitting episodes, and every one only remembers the chickens,
INTERVIEWERThe Space Invaders from the planet Bentos?
IMAGE OF A FRAY BENTOS TIN ON A PIECE OF STRING WITH STUCK ON WINGS,
KEVINThat was product placement. No one had a go at Triangle advertising boats.
INTERIOR POLICE STATION
KEVIN WALKS ON. HE IS DRESSED AS A POLICE OFFICER, EXCEPT HE HAS HUGE SERGEANT STRIPES IN RAINBOW COLOURS DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TRACK SUIT. HE HAS A FULL NOEL EDMONDS TIDY BEARD, AND FINE SIDE BURNS.
KEVIN(AS BUCK)I’m Captain Buck Apollo Kirk and I’m here to take on my new command. We’re going to bring law and order to Wolverhampton and it’s interstellar star port, all the way out to Mars, and Smethwick. Now where is my team? Assemble space police men
CAMERA PANS ALONG A COLLECTION OF POLICE OFFICERS IN A LINE, STOPPING AT KATE, AN ATTRACTIVE BLOND WITH FARAH FAWCETT HAIR.
KATE(AS VERITY)I’m Space Constable Verity Naughty. It is good to see we’ve got such a man to order us around. Would you like a cup of space tea ?
INTERIOR INTERVIEW KATE
KATE IS BEING INTERVIEWED IN THE FUTURE SHE IS WEARING A SEVERE SUIT, AND HAS CREW CUT GREY HAIR.
KATEIn my defence it was my first acting job after being one of Benny Hill's dolly birds. Which was the only way I could pay my way through my degree in Woman’s Studies? Besides it was scripted by feminist sci fi writer Germaine Hardman.
IMAGE A FEARSOME LOOKING WOMAN IN A MACRAMÉ DRESS, AIMING A SHOT GUN AT THE CAMERA.
KATEShe was so strict in her feminism, she considered all pictures of women pornography. That image was taken by David Bailey; they had to pull 13 pellets out of his backside afterwards.
INTERVIEWERBut in fairness, her feminist principles didn’t really inform the stories.
THE FOLLOWING CLIPS ARE ALL FROM THE NECK UP OF KATE.
KATE(AS VERITY)Captain, my tight fitting uniform has become drenched and is closely adhering to my skin.
KATE(AS VERITY)Captain my uniform has been eaten by space weevils.
INTERVIEWER And then when you had to ritually wrestle with every one of the swimsuit clad Amazon women, in episode 5 “Escape from the planet of the reader’s wives”. In Angel Delight, butterscotch flavour I remember
KATEFine. Look, Germaine wrote the script at a time that she was so militant she wouldn’t read anything a man wrote. Including contracts. Lewd Greed, the producer, gave him self full editorial over sight, and changed everything.
INTERVIEWERDid you not get on with Lord Greed?
KATE’S LEFT EYE TWITCHES VIOLENTLY.
INTERIOR POLICE STATION
THE CAMERA CONTINUES TO PAN ACROSS THE POLICE OFFICERS, STOPPING AT A MAN IN A RUBBISH ALIEN MASK. HE WOULD APPEAR TO BE STRAPPED INTO A WHEELED OFFICE CHAIR.
KEVIN(AS BUCK)Ah Space Professor, Einstein Super-Brain.
MAN IN CHAIRIndistinguishable mumblings.
INTERIOR KEVIN INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWERSpace Professor, Einstein, Super Brain, played by Sir Roderick Potts from the Royal Shakespeare Company. What was it like to work with such an eminent actor?
IMAGE A HANDSOME YOUNG ACTOR DOING HAMLET
KEVINA rare privilege, not many actors could produce a performance of such intensity, whilst gagged, and strapped to an office chair.
I always saw him as England’s Dr Spock.
INTERIOR KATE INTERVIEW
KATELord Greed hired him because he was cheap, and gave his sorry Boobs and Blackholes pile of crap a thin sheen of undeserved class. It was only the first day on set, we found the reason the RSC sacked him, was he was a foul mouthed alcoholic wreck.
The mask was to stop him swearing, and begging for cider constantly. Being strapped to the chair was a health and safety requirement because of his temper.
IMAGE THE MAN IN A CHICKEN SUIT AGAIN, THIS TIME A LARGE HAIRY DRUNK IS ATTEMPTING TO HIT IT WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE, WHILST CREW RESTRAIN HIM.
INTERIOR POLICE STATION
KEVIN(AS BUCK)Aaah professor, I see you have your young boy assistant, junior space cadet Jimmy. How you doing you young whipper snapper?
WE SEE HIS HAND REACH FORWARD TO PAT LUCAS ON THE HEAD. THE CAMERA LOOKS UP TO REVEAL THAT LUCAS IS ACTUALLY 6 FOOT, BALDING, STUBBLY, AND SMOKING A FAG.
LUCASAlright chief.
INTERIOR KEVIN INTERVIEW
KEVINThe actor Lucas Dickens, was perhaps a bit old for the part, but he acted so well, who noticed? We had some kids from Grange Hill lined up to audition for the part, but Lord Greed wouldn’t hear of it.
INTERVIEWERWhy not?
KEVINHe said the last time he worked with children, it had cost him £50,000 and his Rolls Royce to stay out of prison. And he had a mate who needed a job for personal reasons.
INTERIOR KEVIN INTERVIEW.
KATEPersonal reasons? Personal reasons, he needed to go into hiding, to avoid prison. Yes I was on a show so unpopular people hid from the police on it. He sexually harassed the entire Bolshoi Ballet on their 1981 tour of the UK. He suffered first degree burns from the number of times he photocopied his genitals to post to them. It caused a diplomatic incident. The USSR almost nuked us because of one man’s depraved libido.
INTERVIEWERDid you at least think he was a good actor?
KATEWell let’s look at his oeuvre, “Having it off the buses”, "Admissions of an “undertaker”', “Admissions of a zookeeper”. He could have been tried by the UN, and the WWF for that last one.
INTERVIEWERBut what about the rumours, that you and he……
KATE STARES AT INTERVIEWER HER LEFT EYE TWITCHES, HE STOPS TALKING SUDDENLY,
INTERIOR POLICE STATION
THE VIEWER IS STILL PANNING TO THE LEFT. WE STOP AT A REALLY RUBBISH PUPPET WITH OBVIOUS STRINGS, THAT’S MEANT TO LOOK LIKE AN ALIEN. IT LOOKS RATHER MORE LIKE POB, WITH GLOW IN THE DARK VAMPIRE FANGS STUCK IN HIS MOUTH.
KEVIN(AS BUCK)Alien Justice Warrior Nimb-bum-up-your-bum