This one really is a dinosaur, and way to long to ever be produced anywhere.
It’s no fun on the farm
A farmer (wearing a flat cap is sitting opposite two police women, they are drinking tea, and have a plate of biscuits, there is a tape recorder.)
First policewoman(wendy) turns on tape recorder.
Wendy
Interview commenced at 17.00 hours, Police women, Wendy, and Jane, Interviewing, farmer Giles, now let’s start at the beginning,
Giles
Well it’s a bit embarrassing, I’ve been bullied, I ‘ave
Wendy
Bullied? Who by?
Giles
Aaar, it started about, 6 weeks ago, I got an email from Tesco’ s saying my lamb’s were too fat, and another one from ASDA they couldn’t fit their little chops in their cellophane trays, and they wanted the money back they’d paid for them, well bloody hell, I wasn’t standing for it, I’d a been bankrupt. So I wrote to the CBI and said no blinking way. They was bullying me, with their threats of legal action and that
Giles
Well the e-mails, stopped, and they apologised.
Jane
Surely that was it?
Giles
Well I ruddy thought so, then funny things started happening.
Wendy
Go on,
Giles
Well I was feeding my sheep, when I saw him sitting on the fence bold as bloody brass he was.
Jane
Who was?
Giles
Sir Terry Leahy
Wendy
The chief executive of Tesco’s?
Giles
The same, he looked me and said are these sheep? So I says aye, he says they’re gay
Jane
Was that it?
Giles
No he’d ride around my house late at night, on one of those noisy, blasted, little mopeds, revving it deliberately loudly.
Wendy
Are you sure it was him?
Giles
No he was wearing one of them hoodies under his suit, so I couldn’t see his face, it got worse.
Giles starts to cry
Giles
He graphitised, Farmer Giles, is a paedoe grass, all over the village. Farmer Giles is a paedo grass, with a gay hat, and all his sheep are gay.
Jane
Said grass, had a gay hat, and gay sheep.
Giles
What was that?
Jane
Oh sorry, said Farmer Giles, was a paedo…
Giles
It got worse, one evening coming home late, he way laid me,
Wendy
Then what happened.
Giles
He gave me a bloody dead arm, and a dead leg, whilst this other guy filmed it on a mobile phone.
Wendy
Could you identify the other assailant?
GilesI think it was Andy Bond, you know chief executive of ASDA, but it were dark,
and he were wearing a hoody as well.
Jane
So let me get his straight, you are claiming that the chief executives of ASDA, and Tesco have been harassing you, and causing acts of violence upon your person, and insulting your gay hat.
Giles
Aye, hang on what were that last bit?
Wendy
Nothing, sure you don’t want some tea, it’s very good, it’s Tesco’s?
Jane
Or one of these lovely ASDA biscuits?
Giles runs off, Wendy turns of the tape recorder, takes out tape, and destroys it, both laugh.
