Very pleased with concept. A lot more flexibility with rap than other song forms.
BROWN – to the tune of “Stan” by Eminem (NB: I have abridged it)
There are a variety of possibilities for staging this. The chorus is sung by a woman as in the original.
CHORUS
Blair’s seat’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I
Became PM at all
There’s lots of things I really should know
That I don’t know at all
I nearly tried to kill Jack Straw today,
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad,
It’s not so bad
FIRST VERSE. ON THE WALL IS A PICTURE OF BLAIR. BROWN IS SAT AT HIS DESK DICTATING A LETTER. SCOTS ACCENT RECOMMENDED.
BROWN
Dear Tony, I wrote to you but you still aren’t calling
I guess you’ve got more important things on in Brussels or something
I sent two letters back in Autumn. You must not have got ‘em
Maybe ‘cos I’ve shut down all the post offices or something
Anyway, Tony, I’m really only writing to keep my hand in
I’ve got my own ideas too – well, ones I steal from David Cameron
I know you probably hear this every day, but I’m your biggest fan.
I like you even more now that you’re out of number ten.
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, mate.
I love that stuff with Catherine Tate and Simpsons too, that shit was great.
Anyway, I hope you get this Blair, call me back, just to chat,
Truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Brown.
CHORUS
SECOND VERSE. SAME SETTING.
BROWN
Dear Blair, you’ve still not called or wrote, I hope you have the chance
I’m not mad, I just hate your f**ked-up European friends
So you didn’t want to talk to me outside the conference - I know it wasn’t planned
But you could have signed an autograph for David Milliband
I’m not mad, I just don’t like being lied to
Is it ‘cos I’m not like Bush? You know that’s not true
I am like him in a way – I’ve heard that he’s a miser
And just like Bush I didn’t really get elected either
Thinking of you now, I’m really quite depressed
Between you and me, you always were the best
My wife keeps on telling me I’m stressed
But she’s just jealous – think she knows I think of you when we’re having sex
But she don't know you like I know you, Tony, no one does.
She don't know what it was like for us socialists growing up.
You’ve gotta call me Blair. I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose.
Sincerely yours, Brown. PS: We should be together too.
CHORUS
THIRD VERSE. BROWN IS DICTATING INTO A HAND-HELD DEVICE.
BROWN
Now listen here, Tony Blair, you great big bastard
I’m sat right here in my chair, and I’m pretty f**king plastered
Six months since I wrote and still no word - I dictated ‘em perfect.
I know you got my last two letters, despite my dodgy Scottish dialect.
So this is my cassette I'm sending you. I hope you hear it.
I’m in number ten right now. I’m unsightly and I’m teary.
Hey Blair, I drank a bottle of Scotch tonight, d’you think I’ll stay alive?
‘Cos of the bastard budget it cost me twelve pounds ninety-five!
It’s like that song, Build Me Up Buttercup, you know it?
You keep letting me down, you think I can’t feel it?
That’s kind of how this is. You could have built me up.
Now it’s too late, and you know I’m feeling pretty damn f**ked up.
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call.
But your appearances on TV are the deepest cut of all.
You ruined it now, I just can't sleep, I’ve even told the queen about it.
The press are mean, and now they’re calling me Mr Bean you bastard.
See Blair – (WIFE SHOUTS AND COMPLAINS) shut up Sarah, I’m making a recording!
Hey Tony, that’s my wife, ‘cos it’s early in the morning
See I don’t parade her around, she stays at home, I’m not like you
She doesn’t feel the need to go to every party, gathering or do.
Well, I gotta go, this thing’s given me the cramp.
Oh for God’s sake, I forgot the bloody stamp.
CHORUS
FOURTH VERSE. TONY BLAIR’S OFFICE. HE HAS A PICTURE OF BUSH/THATCHER/BOTH ON HIS WALL.
BLAIR
Dear Brown, I meant to write to you sooner, I’ve just been busy
You know, there’s an awful lot of work to be done in the EC
Look, I’m really glad you’ve got policies of your own
I enclose an autograph for the Millibands so you’ve got something to show
I’m sorry I missed you at the lecture, I probably couldn’t see you
Don’t think I did anything intentionally or that I can’t stand to be near you
Erm, Gordon, what’s this about taking me on a date?
I’m not a homosexual just ‘cos I banned section 28.
You’ve got some issues, Brown, and I think you need some counselling
To help you feel better or you’ll just have to give it all in.
And what’s this shit about when you’re having sex?
The last thing on my mind when on the job is your over-inflated pecs.
I really think you and the wife need each other.
I hope so, because I don’t want to take out another restraining order.
Trust yourself, and I’m sure the government’ll be fine
If you’d just smile a little. I’m glad I inspire you, but Brown,
I just don’t want you to do some crazy shit.
And for God’s sake when you next write don’t hand-deliver it.
Brown...?
(POSSIBLY LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL ANY OF A NUMBER OF VISUAL PUNCHLINES – E.G. BROWN ENTERING BLAIR’S STUDY TOWELLING HIMSELF OFF, IF THEY’RE NOT PLAYED BY THE SAME PERSON)
ENDS