What are some of your favourite comedy quotes? I got loads but a few of mine are:
Futurama:
"How are the children, Morbo?"
MORBO - "Numerous and billegerent"
Partridge:
"I just been to B&Q, bought some tungsten tip screws, never gonna use em, never gonna use em."
SPACED:
Daisy Steiner: Do you rent downstairs?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: WHAT?
Brian: You mean am I gay?
Daisy Steiner: No, I meant "Do you rent the downstairs flat?"
Brian: Oh. Yep, sort of.
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: Hmm?
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: No.
SCRUBS:
Janitor: Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
J.D: No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper... I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: A bidet?
J.D: Bidet to your, sir.
BLESS THIS HOUSE:
Morning; Sid in bed, stinking-drunk and fully dressed after an annual old-pals meetup.
Jean: Where on earth did you go?
Sid: I don't know! We'll just have to wait for the complaints to come in, won't we?
PEEP SHOW-
MARK: 'Im not a pedo, Im definitely not a pedo . . .'
futurama
anything Clamps says or does
Hancock: "Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?"
OFAH (Trigger): "And if it's a boy, they're gonna call it Rodney. After Dave"
Curb: (Jeff): "These big vagina women are getting away with murder."
Home Impovement:
JILL AND TIM ARE ARGUING ABOUT A PICTURE OF JILL THAT TIM GOT BLOWN UP FOR A BIG CORPORATE DINNER
Jill: it looks awful, people were laughing at me, you ruined it
SHE STORMS OFF UP STAIRS WHILE TIM SHOUTS
Tim: ow come on honey, people were too busy laughing at the picture that they didn't notice that skeggy dress you were wearing.
gets me every time
MEN BEHAVING BADLY:
GARY AND TONY ARE BOTH DRUNK AFTER GARY HAS SPENT LOTS OF MONEY ON LAGER
Gary
o you want a oiyster maye?
Tony: no they disagree with me
gary: HOLDING A OIYSTER LIKE A PUPET- no we don't
and early doors
PHIL ANG NIGE:we have had a right day, this woman comes into make a accusation about a man that flashed her, apparently he called this man over and he had a map on his lap, he pulled it away and he's got his todjer out.
KEN: the dirty sod
PHIL & NIGE: thats not the end, we were sat there asking her questions, now i asked and we have to ask this, was he in a state of arousel?, she said, no he was in a ford escort.
quality
I agree that the 'tungsten tip screws' and 'I'm not a paedo' lines are superb.
From Red Dwarf I like:
Lister: 'You're dead Rimmer!'
Rimmer: 'That's right, as dead as a can of spam.'
From OFAH:
When Grandad talks about a former soldier who deserted, 'You couldn't blame him really. The way those Germans were carrying on someone was going to get hurt.'
From Phoenix Nights:
'Now, I'm getting the word...nonce'.
I'm Alan Partridge:
"You feed beefburgers to swans!"
Seinfeld:
"Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!"
The Simpsons:
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
Spaced:
Brian: Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
Tim: I think you should burn it. Cos if you lose it... you might find it...
Red Dwarf (two from 'Tikka To Ride'):
Lister: ... where all those people are gather around that giant pizza.
Kryten: That's not a giant pizza, sir.
Lister: That's *not* a giant pizza? It's got to be eight foot across! Where d'you eat? The "Fat Bastard-erria"?
...and related...
Cat: Good chicken, man.
Kryten: It's not chicken.
Lister: What is it?
Kryten: It's that man we found.
Rimmer: First you're down (BRIGHTLY) then you're right back up again!
Friends:
Rachel (to Ross): Who's number two?
Chandler: Ah, 'Whose Number Two?': one of the more difficult games played by sewage workers.
Futurama:
The Professor: "Show me this 'The Wheel'."
Dan
Cracked me up when I watched 'Family Guy' and heard Peter tell Lois she can "get a Cleveland Steamer from him when he is working as a hooker".
I actually knew what that was (long story) so got it right away and had to leave the room in stitches - for those of you without a clue you can check out a few descriptions on the Urban Dictionary by clicking below.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cleveland+steamer
That is by far the most disgusting thing I've read... today...
Dan
Too many to mention really but all time fave is probably from Blackadder 4 and goes something like this:
(the usual suspects have signed up for the Royal Flying Corps and are being given their one and only flying lesson by Lord Flashheart)
FLASHHEART: First thing to remember is, always treat your kite, like you treat your woman.
GEORGE: How do you mean sir. Do ya' mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
FLASHHEART: No, wet pants. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.
'nough said.
It'd be 'plane' rather than 'kite' then, surely?
But classic line, yes.
The Simpsons:
Homer: (DRUNK) Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
I'm Alan Partridge:
The rest of Alan's opinions on farming.
"You could talk the hind legs off a donkey! Though, of course, your donkeys are probably born wthout back legs, with all the chemicals you stick in their...chips."
"I've probably got more friends than you've got cows!"
"You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have got beaks."
"You have big sheds that nobody's allowed in, and in these sheds are...20-foot high chickens! And they're running around terrified, saying 'Oooh, why am I so massive?'"