Poliakoff in 3 seconds

SETTING A VERY NICE NOTTING HILL MANSION

VO

And now the BBC presents the new Stephen Poliakoff film in 30 seconds,

AN ATTRACTIVE MAN AND WOMAN WALK ON

MAN

I'm fascinating character who's also really horny

HE MOONS HIS ARSE

WOMAN

I'm also a fascinating character who's also really horny

SHE FLASHES HER TITS

A FAMOUS ACTOR, A NAZI, A WOMAN IN A WHEEL CHAIR ALL COME ON SET

FAMOUS

I'm a famous UK actor, proving I don't just say Harry Potter to the Yanks for 5 million squids.

NAZI

I'm a Nazi, Boo!

WOMAN IN WHEEL CHAIR

I have a dark secret I'm

NAZI

Mentally ill

WOMAN

A victim of abuse

MAN

Another Nazi

FAMOUS

Harry Potter, sorry wrong script

A STEREO TYPICAL COCKNEY WALKS ON

COCKNEY

I'm a cockney, cor what a lovely house.

NAZI SHOOTS HIM, WOMAN KICKS CORPSE, STEVEN POLIAKOFF WALKS ON

STEVEN

I'm Steven Poliakoff BBCs wild haired dramatic genius, now wheres my 8 figure cheque.

SOME ONE HANDS HIM A CHEQUE.

Cue the pretensions neuvo classical music

PRETENTIOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS, EVERY ONE STARES AROUND OBLIQUELY

2 LUMPEN PROLES STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER, STARING BOVINELY INTO SPACE

VO

And now Big Brother in 30 seconds.

THE BIG BROTHER THEME PLAYS THEY STARE BOVINELY INTO SPACE. AFTER 20 SECONDS THE GUY TRYS TO PINCH THE GIRLS ARSE, SHE SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY AND CRYS BRIEFLY.

VO

One of you has won Big Brother, and nobody cares, now piss off back to yoour Z list careers.

THE PAIR BOVINELY SHUFFLE OFF SET

A writer, if he truly desires to be taken seriously, needs to learn how to properly punctuate his lines.

The lack of proper punctuation cries out AMATEUR & LAZY ARSE.

However, the ignorant writing skills COULD be excused if the lines were discernibly and undeniably hilarious, but such is not the case in this instance.

Nevermind.

You obviously enjoy spending your time & energy writing and I am glad you'd rather spend your time doing that than mugging people or stealing cars.

Keep at it!

Sootyj this was brilliant. I'm a massive fan of Poliakoff but it didn't stop me laughing at this as its all true

P.S. Ignore Skib and hopeful he'll g.o. A. weigh,,,,,....."""*&$