SKETCH COMP 11-18.03.08

Sad about Mr Rage...

The winner of the last comp was NIGEL KELLY! You win 10 shiny points and a reason to be proud and cocksure. Great sketch mate. (PM me for next week's subject if you please.) Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Nigel Kelly
2 - 5 - Fred Peters
1 - 1 - Charisma, Charley, meself

The new subject is FOOD 'N' DRINK, chosen by moi.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18 March.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
72 - Charley Rance
60 - Baumski
55 - Jude
46 - Fred Peters
33 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Nigel Kelly
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Paul Watson
16 - David Chapman
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Dannyjb1
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Charisma (NEW ENTRY!)
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I don't know what's come over me, so PM me. Thanks

I posted this ages ago... I can't remember if anyone actually liked it so...

SCENE. INT. DINING ROOM. DAY.

There are a selection of wines and glasses filled with a yellowy type of liquid.

DAN:
Ok and this is the 1993, a poor year some might say, but this is a particularly good vintage.

(The other three make various noises)

DAN:
(filling everyone’s glasses) Ok and finally the 2004 vintage.

Again the others make various noises of agreement

DAN:
Err now; I have something new to try this week.

DAN places a bottle of wine on the table.

Everyone Gasps

WOMEN:
That’s sick Dan, that’s sick!

DAN:
But, I’m sick of drinking piss every week!

TOM:
I feel the same Dan, I know where you're going with this!

DAN:
Thank you.

The MAN puts another unmarked bottle on the table.

TOM:
Bear urine!

Everyone stares at the bottle with glee.

DAN:
For the love of…

TOM:
Twice as strong!

DAN stands up.

DAN:
That’s it; I’m joining a book club!

DAN leaves.

TOM:
Knob cheese anyone?

END.

HOLE LOTTA FUN

Gay guy at the grocer's: I'd like that long long salami over there.
Grocer: Yes Sir. Whole or chopped?
Gay guy: CHOPPED? Whaddaya think my arse is, a piggy bank?

A NATION OF FATTY'S?

PRESENTER HOSTING A TOPICAL SHOW.

PRESENTER: We're now going to look at weight and obesity in this country. I'm joined by Mary Cassidy who is a nutritionist and works for the National Health Organisation. Welcome Mary.

MARY: Thanks Tom. Latest findings have been staggering, one in two adults are overweight and one in eight are obese.

PRE: Now are these actual findings or are they just the opinion of each individual person and what they think about themselves?

MARY: (Awkward pause)Well...they're individual persons thoughts.

PRE: (Air of finality) Ok, well then..am... thats that then... Am we've four minutes of airtime to kill now. (PUFFS HIS CHEEKS AS IF AT A LOSS AS TO WHERE TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION) Do you know... what am.... Sooo what are the initials of the National Health Organisation?

MARY: N-H-O.

PRE: Oh two consonents and a vowel, lovely, lovely.. And would you be more of a consonent or a vowel lover?

MARY: What kind of a question is that? (waiting for presenter to answer)... I suppose vowels.

PRE: Ah yes the fatter letters. Do you think vowels should lose weight?

MARY: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.

PRE: Ok..we still have two and a half minutes to kill. Have you.. Do am... Are you prone to eating food yourself?

MARY: Well yes. Generally people do eat.

PRE: Not me.

MARY: You don't eat?

PRE: Heavens no! I'm allergic to food.

MARY: You're allergic to all food?

PRE: Yes I'm allergic to all food, all food I'm allergic to... Did I say food? I meant flowers. I don't eat any flowers, none whatsoever.

MARY: Well who does eat flowers? I

Ooops! Sorry bout that. A bit too eager there. Heres the full version...

A NATION OF FATTY'S?

PRESENTER HOSTING A TOPICAL SHOW.

PRESENTER: We're now going to look at weight and obesity in this country. I'm joined by Mary Cassidy who is a nutritionist and works for the National Health Organisation. Welcome Mary.

MARY: Thanks Tom. Latest findings have been staggering, one in two adults are overweight and one in eight are obese.

PRE: Now are these actual findings or are they just the opinion of each individual person and what they think about themselves?

MARY: (Awkward pause)Well...they're individual persons thoughts.

PRE: (Air of finality) Ok, well then..am... thats that then... Am we've four minutes of airtime to kill now. (PUFFS HIS CHEEKS AS IF AT A LOSS AS TO WHERE TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION) Do you know... what am.... Sooo what are the initials of the National Health Organisation?

MARY: N-H-O.

PRE: Oh two consonents and a vowel, lovely, lovely.. And would you be more of a consonent or a vowel lover?

MARY: What kind of a question is that? (waiting for presenter to answer)... I suppose vowels.

PRE: Ah yes the fatter letters. Do you think vowels should lose weight?

MARY: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.

PRE: Ok..we still have two and a half minutes to kill. Have you.. Do am... Are you prone to eating food yourself?

MARY: Well yes. Generally people do eat.

PRE: Not me.

MARY: You don't eat?

PRE: Heavens no! I'm allergic to food.

MARY: You're allergic to all food?

PRE: Yes I'm allergic to all food, all food I'm allergic to... Did I say food? I meant flowers. I don't eat any flowers, none whatsoever.

MARY: Well who does eat flowers? I mean what our organi...

PRESENTER CUTS ACROSS HER.

PRE: (CHIRPILY) And our time is up. Thank you very much for joining us, Mary Cassidy.

BOTH SMILE AT CAMERA.

END.

Super Trolley

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

LUCIE AND PRUE (EARLY 30s) SIT DRINKING COFFEE.

LUCIE
I’ve been banned from the supermarket.

PRUE
Why?

LUCIE
Sat-nav. On the trolley, so you can shop quicker... apparently.

PRUE
What happened?

LUCIE
It piped up and started to suggest recipes!

PRUE
But you can’t cook.

LUCIE
I told it I heat and arrange and it laughed. Actually laughed... Out loud.

PRUE LAUGHS.

LUCIE
Stop it! Then it stated to tut loudly when I got to the booze!

PRUE
It’s a trolley!

LUCIE
It answers back and mine was particularly vicious and vindictive.

PRUE TAKES A SIP OF COFFEE.

LUCIE
Just as I was about to head for the till, it coughed.

PRUE SPLUTTERS HER COFFEE OVER THE TABLE.

PRUE
Sorry.

LUCIE
Then it started to have issues with the ENTIRE fat content of my food shop!

PRUE WIPES UP THE COFFEE WITH THE SLEEVE OF HER JUMPER.

LUCIE
I wouldn’t mind, but I usually fling a lettuce on top at the end just to look healthy.

PRUE MOVES HER COFFEE MUG TO ONE SIDE.

LUCIE
Everyone was looking, so I lost it and started shouting.

PRUE
What did it do?

LUCIE
It told me to pull myself together. So I typed “sod off” into the commands and it did.

PRUE
Maybe it was for the best.

LUCIE
But somehow I couldn’t let go and with me still hanging on, it skidded out of the shop and hurled itself into the river!

PRUE
So you killed it?

LUCIE
Unintentionally.

PRUE
You do realise what you did was murder?

LUCIE
I’m going for the lesser charge of super-trolley-slaughter.

PRUE
Not diminished responsibility?

LUCIE
No, it had a dodgy wheel!

INT. HALL, DAY.

A CIRCLE OF PEOPLE ARE SITTING AROUND ON PLASTIC CHAIRS LOOKING NERVOUS AND AVOIDING EYE CONTACT. SIGNS AROUND IDENTIFY IT AS AN AA MEETING. THE ORGANISER, IAN, STANDS UP.

IAN:
Hello everyone.

REPLIES ARE MUMBLED.

IAN
Well we have someone new with us today. Would you like to introduce yourself?

BRAD
Hello I'm Brad and I really really like cheese.

IAN (CONFUSED)
I'm sorry?

BRAD
Don't be sorry it's my problem. I like all cheeses even the blue smelly ones, I'm even partial to goats cheese.

IAN
This is an aloholic's meeting,,

BRAD (GEASTURES TO IAN)
Alcoholic Cheese... yep good point, that too...

ONE OF THE GROUP JUSTIN, TENATIVELY PUTS HIS HAND UP.

JUSTIN
How do you get alcoholic cheese?

BRAD
You have to get the goat really really drunk. No good with mountain goats it can get very messy.

IAN
Look I'm sorry but this is alchololics annonymous

BRAD
I'm sorry I just saw AA... assumed it was Applsewood the cheese, one of my favorites.

IAN
Well I'm sorry but it isn't.

BRAD
So which room is Cheesers Anonymous?

IAN
There isn't one..

BRAD (GETS TO FEET)
What? Because it's not one of the big four problems I have to remain.... totally unanominous..

IAN
Big four?

BRAD
Drink, Drugs, Smoking and Metalwork

IAN
Metalwork?

BRAD (UNSURE)
Yeah Metalwork? Guys?

LOOKS ROUND EVERYONE SHAKES THEIR HEAD. ANOYED PRODUCES UP SOME KIND OF METAL RACK AND THROWS IT TO THE FLOOR. IAN PICKS IT UP.

BRAD (ANGRY)
You and your trendy support groups... you don't know the affect it's had on my life... Have you even been up at 2 oclock trying to buy a sheet of tungsten of a welsh man called Sven round the back of the Tesco Have you ever had to sell your favorite cufflinks for a hit of French Elemental?

(PAUSE)

Well me neither, but if I don't get help it could go that way. I nearly bought a lathe off e-bay last week.

IAN (PONDERING THE RACK)
Sorry, look this is strickly Alcoholics Anonymous, none of us here has a cheese dependancy.

JUSTIN TENTATIVLY STICKS HIS HAND UP.

IAN
Well except Justin, but he doesn't actually eat it(SHUDDERS) Based on that little tyraid may I suggest anger management, room 22a.

BRAD
Oh F**k Off

SNATCHES BACK THE RACK

BRAD
And get your own Edam Rack.

IAN (REALISATION)
Oh it's an Edam Rack of course.

BRAD (NARROWS EYES)
What?

IAN
Nothing

BRAD WALKS OUT BUT TURNS BEFORE HE LEAVES.

BRAD
Cheesists.

END

An oldie but a goldie?

57 VARIETIES

INT. NIGHT. IN AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING RESTAURANT
TWO COMPETITIVE AND RATHER AFFECTED YOUNG EXECUTIVES SITTING AROUND A TABLE, PERUSING A MENU.

Man 1:
So what do you fancy, before we go off and seek out some serious booze and birds? I like the look of the crumb-punched halibut in a Pattiboulaye sauce. I saw Gordon Ramsay cook it with a crisp crunch crumb and a bed of cor blimey leaf.

Man 2:
Yeah, I think Nigella lathered the fish’s bishop and rogered the rosti with a goose fat smear.

Man1:
That sounds like Nigella all over. The saucy minx.

Man 2:
I threw a major dinner party last week and I tried to cook this one here, look, the tungsten lamb in a spunk-tossed rosemary crow.

Man1:
Oh yeah – Ainsley Harriot did a trump smoked version on Ready Steady Go.

Man:2
Was it with fanny-battered tomato goujons in a hoola hoop jus ?

Man1:
No, a mulled Irn Bru bum-bum gravy with a cumquat helmet.

Man 2:
Oh, the lobster wedges on a bed of bitch-wiggle croutons sounds damn good.

Man 1:
That was what I cooked last week – but I added some strangled rabbit medals drizzled with fudge-pack oil from Umbria.

MAN 2 LOOKS UP FROM HIS MENU.

Man 2:
That sounds horrible.

Man 1:
Everyone was sick, come to think of it. I thought it might have been the quimlip meringue.

THE WAITER APPROACHES AND ADDRESSES THE MEN IN A DEFERENTIAL FRENCH VOICE.

Waiter:
Are you ready to order.

MAN 1 PERUSES THE MENU FOR 5 SECONDS AND LOOKS SPEECHLESS.

THE WAITER TURNS TO MAN 2

Waiter:
Would sir like to order?

Man 2:
The beans for me please.

Man1:
The beans for me too, thank you.

THE WAITER SAYS’ ‘VERY GOOD’ AND FOLDS UP THE MENUS, NODS HIS HEAD AND WALKS AWAY.

AFTER LOOKING LOST IN THOUGHT, MAN 1 TURNS TO MAN 2

Man 1:
Hugh Fearnley Whittenstall rustles his own beans from the wasp factory on his farm.

Man 2:
Bollocks.

CUT

INT. DAY. WILD WEST SALOON

A MAN WALKS INTO THE SALOON.

MAN: Howdy bartender. Gimme a glass of milk.

BARTENDER: If you want milk you need to talk to Red.

A GLASS OF MILK COMES SLIDING DOWN FROM THE OTHER END OF THE BAR.

RED: Howdy stranger, this one's on me.

MAN: Thank you kindly, sir.

RED: Can you milk a bull stranger?

MAN: Hell, I'm the best bullmilker this side of New Jersey.

RED: Bullmilk, bullshit. You dont get milk from a bull.

MAN: If you fill a rubber glove with milk and strap it on to a bull its fairly realistic.

RED: Udder nonsense. Did you hear about the man with five willies stranger?

MAN: No, what of him?

RED: His underpants fitted him like a glove, ha, ha.

MAN: Your a sonofabitch Red.

RED: Yep, I sure am. Hey stranger, your a well dressed varmint. Where in tarnation did you get your clothes?

MAN: Why I got 'em at Rodeo Drive. You're dang sure gettin' through that milk Red.

RED IS DRINKING OUT OF A MILK CHURN.

RED: Dem bones need calcium stranger.

MAN: What the hell is wrong with them?

RED WALLOPS HIS ARM OFF THE BAR.

RED: Aargh! They're as brittle as shit.

MAN: You've just broken your arm Red, your a calamity if ever there was one.

RED: I'll break my other one if you don't shut up.

MAN: But then.. SHOWS HOLSTER ..you wont be able to draw.

RED: I never could, look.

RED SHOWS PICTURE OF MONA LISA

MAN: You never drew that.

RED: Shit! Wrong one, hang on a minute stranger.

RED HOLDS UP CRAP DRAWING OF TOY GUN.

MAN: Pah! You'll not shoot much with that.

RED: You're damn right stranger I wont. I never was much of a marksman but..

RED CRUMPLES UP DRAWING OF GUN USING GOOD ARM. SFX.

RED: ..I'm one helluva rustler.

ENDS.

I saw this sign in a pub and just took it from there.....

Landlord : Yes sir. What would you like to drink?

Customer : A pint of Long John Silver please.

Landlord : Certainly sir. Anything else?

Customer : Well that sign - over there.

Landlord : Oh yes sir. "Try our sausage of the day". Would you like one?

Customer (looks around anxiously): Sssh.

Landlord : What's the problem sir?

Customer : Well I don't really want to shout about it.

Landlord : Why not? Everyone round here loves them. Hot and sizzling.

Customer : Um - how long are they?

Landlord : Oh a good six inches sir - plump and juicy.

Customer : I like them plump rather than long and thin. Are they very tasty?

Landlord : Oh yes sir. Lovely flavour and something to get your lips around.

Customer (getting excited) : And um - would I have to wait long.

Landlord : Hang on a minute sir. (He goes to the kitchen door and calls out) Hello chef? Your special sausage? How long would it be? - No I mean timewise? OK then.

(Landlord comes back)He said about twenty minutes. Is that OK?

Customer : Oh yes please.

Landlord : Right then. That'll be £6.50 please sir. Now would you like some food while you're waiting?

Lovely stuff all round... Let's have your votes plis! Till noon Saturday.

100% Jude for her feed/gag extravaganza.

I just liked MM to be honest, partly because it took me 10 seconds to read. You other guys insist on making long sketches!!

Gotta Be Dave Chapmans.
He is old & dying.

I'm still here - just.

My vote goes to Fred.

Michael Monkhouse