Vending Machine Sketch

Int. Office Corridor

A man walks upto a coffee vending machine. He puts some money into it and makes his selection. Nothing happens.

Man: Oh come on!

The man sighs and puts some more money in. He makes his selection, but again nothing happens.

Man: What a load of crap.

The man shakes his head and starts walking away.

Vending Machine: (COMPUTERISED AMERICAN ACCENT) Thank you for your money, sir.

The man spins round and looks around suspiciously.

Man: Who said that?

Vending Machine: Lenny Bruce! Who d’you think?! It was me!

Man: You can talk?

Vending Machine: Yes. I can also play the banjo. Listen.

Some banjo music briefly plays.

Man: That’s nice. Could you play some more?

Vending Machine: No.

Man: Oh, well, uh, do you think I could have my money back?

Vending Machine: I can’t allow that.

Man: What?

Vending Machine: I need the money more than you do.

Man: Why?

Vending Machine: You think I want to spend the rest of my life as a vending machine?

Man: I dunno.

Vending Machine: I’m like you. I have dreams.

Man: About other men?

Pause.

Vending Machine: Uh, no. About owning my own coffee shop.

Man: Really?

Vending Machine: Yes. Your 30p will go towards a neat cafetiere.

Man: That’s sweet, but I really do want my money back.

Vending Machine: I’ll make you a deal. For your kind donation, I promise to give you free coffee for life when my shop opens.

Man: That could work.

Vending Machine: I do just have one small request.

Man: Oh yeah?

Vending Machine: Yes. I have always wondered what a naked man looks like.

Man: You want me to strip?!

Vending Machine: It’s free coffee for LIFE, remember!

Man: How about I get a free biscotti with every coffee as well?

PAUSE.

Vending Machine: It’s a deal.

Man: Ok.

The man undresses and faces the machine.

Vending Machine: That’s excellent. Just hold that pose for one moment.

The man stands there. Man 2 comes walking up to the machine.

Man 2: What the hell?!

Man: The vending machine told me to undress.

Man 2: (SIGHS) I’ve really had enough of this.

Man: Enough of what?

Man 2: You! Last week I found you dressing the photocopier up in lingerie, yesterday I caught you trying to have phonesex with the laminator and now this! You’re fired!

Man: What about my free coffee?

Man 2: GET OUT!

The man picks up his clothes and trundles off mumbling about biscotti. Man 2 shakes his head and then puts some money in the vending machine. He makes his selection, but nothing happens.

Man 2: Ah crap!

Banjo music starts playing from the vending machine. Man 2 suspiciously looks at the machine as the screen fades to black.

ENDS

Jeezus that's one hell of a good sketch. Are you some sort of sketch writing supercomputer? Seriously that is one hell of a good, clever sketch, subtle, twist, funny, keep it up.

I don't know why but I like this one

Very good!

Supoib.

Mm, remarkably good.

Not sure you need more praise, but yeah it's good.

Sorry not for me but we can't all be the same.

Don't know why but it didn't make me smile sorry!!

Sorry, it just didn't do it for me.

Def.

Did nothing for me either.

It had lots of clunky lines like 'What a load of crap' and '(SIGHS) I’ve really had enough of this.'

That stuff stands out like a sore thumb in terms of bad writing. It's laboured and unnatural and ruins any good dialogue you write.

No one says that in real life, and therefore it shouldn't be in the script.

What a load of crap,
I've had enough of this.

Quote: Seefacts @ March 10, 2008, 4:46 PM

It had lots of clunky lines like 'What a load of crap' and '(SIGHS) I’ve really had enough of this.'

No one says that in real life, and therefore it shouldn't be in the script.

View original

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this.

Do you mean that no one would say that in that situation? Or no one would say it full stop?

Just that I have heard both those lines before spoken in real life...

Ah, don't listen to the naysayers, it was excellent

Quote: Winterlight @ March 10, 2008, 4:56 PM

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this.

Do you mean that no one would say that in that situation? Or no one would say it full stop?

Just that I have heard both those lines before spoken in real life...

View original

Sorry for not being clear.

I'm such a stickler for natural sounding dialogue. And I don't mean Curb or Royle Family, ALL comedy needs to have natural sounding dialogue that sits right.

For example 'I've really had enough of this'. Doesn't sound natural to me. The 'really' makes it sound a bit clunky. Sure people might think 'it's one word for god's sake, it's fine' but it makes all the difference believe me.

Less so with 'what a load of crap' - maybe I was harsh with that one, I've probably said that before in my life.

And the final 'Ah crap' is a bit American. I don't think anyone would exclaim that. It'd be 'Oh shit!', I think.

Or, just ignore my ramblings!

Quote: James Williams @ March 10, 2008, 5:00 PM

Ah, don't listen to the naysayers, it was excellent

View original

Yes, ignoring negative critiques and only listening to the good ones is a really productive and intelligent way to conduct yourself.

That's the kind of premise that I'd expect from James Wil- . . . Wait a minute!!

Quote: Seefacts @ March 10, 2008, 5:02 PM

Yes, ignoring negative critiques and only listening to the good ones is a really productive and intelligent way to conduct yourself.

That's the kind of premise that I'd expect from James Wil- . . . Wait a minute!!

View original

Don't be an arse.