This is a sketch that I have been working on.
SC.1 . AN OFFICE. INT. DAY
CLIVE IS SITTING IN THE SMALL OFFICE OPPOSITE MR TRAPLET WHO IS READING A FILE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF HIM.
TRAPLET:
Do you know why I called you in here Clive?
CLIVE PONDERS.
CLIVE:
To wish me a happy birthday?
TRAPLET:
Is it your birthday Clive?
CLIVE PONDERS AGAIN. HE COUNTS ON HIS FINGERS. WE SEE HIS LIPS MOVING AS HE COUNTS
CLIVE:
No.
TRAPLET:
No? So Clive. Do tell me, because I fail to see. What do you actually do here? I mean, I know what it says in your job description, what it doesn’t say is ‘watch Deal or no Deal in the staff room.’ what it doesn’t say is ‘Re enact the famous scene from Taxi Driver, ‘are you looking at me…. are you looking at me.’
CLIVE:
It’s talking.
TRAPLET:
What?
CLIVE:
It’s ‘are you talking to me…’ (He mimics De Nero) ‘Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Who else you talking to? Are you talking to me? I’m the only one here….’
TRAPLET LOOKS ANGRY. CLIVE SHUTS UP
TRAPLET:
Do you enjoy working here Clive?
CLIVE:
(As if it’s obvious) No. Of course I don’t. It’s a shit job, the pay is crap, the hours are crap, and the boss is a twat. .
TRAPLET:
What goes on in that head of yours Clive?
FOCUS ON CLIVES HEAD
CUT TO
SC. 2. INSIDE CLIVE’S MIND. EXT. DAY
CLIVE IS CHASING AN ICE CREAM VAN ON A SPACE HOPPER.
CUT TO
SC. 3. TRAPLETS OFFICE. INT. DAY
AT THE DESK CLIVE IS HUMMING THE TUNE FROM THE ICE CREAM VAN IN HIS VISION. HE LOOKS DREAMILY INO SPACE.
TRAPLET:
Clive, are you with us? (Louder) Clive. (Louder still) Clive.
CLIVE:
(Blurts out) Screwball.
TRAPLET:
Pardon?
CLIVE:
Nothing.
TRAPLET:
Did you just call me a screwball?
CLIVE:
No. I said…(he thinks)..Shoo Ball (He makes like shooing someone with his hand) shoo. Shoo. He was at the window, Ball…. Bobby Ball
TRAPLET GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER
CLIVE:
Rock on Tommy!
WE SEE CLIVE GLANCE AT THE NAME PLAQUE ON THE DESK. IT READS TOMMY TRAPLET. CLIVE GRINS AND LAUGHES NERVOUSLY. TRAPLET FOLDS HIS ARMS AND LOOKS STURN.
CLIVE:
No, not you. Tommy Cannon. Bobby Balls partner. It’s what Bobby Ball says.
TRAPLET:
Yes Clive. I know who cannon and Ball are; I am up to date with the interests of the youth of the day. I listen to Haircut 100, I watch Blake’s seven. Now, Where was I?
CLIVE:
1981 I think.
TRAPLET:
How long have you worked here now?
CLIVE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
CLIVE:
Three years, two months, three weeks, four days, six hours, fifty minutes and eight, nine, ten seconds.
TRAPLET:
And how do you find it?
CLIVE:
It’s a big building. The bus stop is right outside, you can’t really miss it.
TRAPLET:
Take this seriously.
TRAPLET RUSTLES PAPERS
TRAPLET:
Tell me a little more about your previous jobs Clive. What do you remember about the first job you had after leaving school?
CLIVE:
Pasties.
TRAPLET:
Pasties?
CLIVE:
Yea, I was the pasty king.
TRAPLET FLICKS THROUGH PAPERS
TRAPLET:
There isn’t any mention of this on your CV.
CLIVE:
No, that wasn’t a job. That was just what they used to call me because I ate a lot of pasties.
TRAPLET:
According to your CV you worked at a place called ‘Penis world.’
CLIVE:
Penny’s world no penis. What sort of sick freak do you think I am?
TRAPLET:
Right, and then you worked at a shop called Bollocks, another typing error?’ Ball cocks’?
CLIVE:
No, that was Bollocks. (Frowns) And it was too.
TRAPLET:
And how was your attendance in these jobs? Because I cant help but notice the amount of time you have taken off over the past two months.
TRAPLET FLICKS THROUGH PAPERS
TRAPLET:
Maybe I could remind you. January 3rd, phoned in sick, reason. ’I’m a missionary and I had to go to the Congo to rescue Elephants’… Jan 18, phoned in sick, reason, ‘ all my clothes were dirty’. January 22, phoned in sick, reason, ‘I had a kinky session last night and lost the key to the handcuffs’…January 24, phoned in sick, reason, I had to rearrange the furniture to correct the Fen Shui, February 12, phoned in sick, reason, there was a spider by the door so I couldn’t get out of the house…. February 14, phoned in sick, reason… ‘I was taken hostage by the Borg…’ Do I look stupid Clive?
CLIVE:
No. No at all.
TRAPLET:
Taken hostage by the Borg? What sort of an explanation is that? Did you think I was going to believe that Clive? The Borg? Come on…Why would the Borg want to take you hostage?
FADE
