Bullying Sketch

Int. Office

A manager is sat at his desk doing paperwork in his small one person office. There’s a knock at the door and in walks a man.

Manager: Yes, what is it?

Man: It’s a little awkward. I’ve been on the receiving end of some bullying in the office.

Manager: Bullying?

Man: Yeah, it’s been going on some time now.

The man sits down opposite the manager.

Manager: What’s been happening?

Man: People seem to think that this…

The man turns round to reveal a tap in the back of his head.

Man: (CONT) is some kind of joke.

Manager: What is it? Dandruff?

Man: No, it’s a tap.

Manager: Ah, that.

The man turns back round.

Man: Yeah, that.

Manager: And what have they been saying?

Man : They’ve been calling me Milkhead.

Man: Milkhead?

Manager: Yeah. Milk comes out of it.

Man: Out of your head?

Manager: No, out of my knee! Of course it comes out of my head. What d’you think the taps for?!

Manager: Restricting airflow… pressure maybe.

Man: It’s for bloody milk.

Manager: Can I have a demonstration of how it works?

Man: No. I’m just sick to death of feeling like this freak. Ever since school, I’ve just been this exhibition that everyone comes and stares at. Milkhead this, Milkhead that…

The man starts ranting away to himself. Manager gets up sneaks out of the office.

CUT TO: Int. Works Kitchen

The manager is making a cup of coffee. He puts in the coffee, sugar and hot water. He picks up the mug and exits.

CUT TO: Int. Office

The manager enters with his mug. The man is still ranting away to himself. The manager sneaks up behind him and turns the tap to get milk in his coffee. The manager finishes and goes back to his chair. He tastes his coffee.

Manager: Delicious. Now, about this bullying.

Man: Yes?

Manager: I haven’t got time to discuss it at the moment, but how about you come back here at say, teabreak?

Man: Really?

Manager: Yes. I don’t want one of my staff going through bullying hell.

Man: It’s certainly been hell. I’m just glad they don’t know the whole truth.

Manager: And what’s that?

Man: Between me and you, it’s not just milk that comes out of the tap.

Manager: What?

Man: It’s actually a mixture of milk and sperm.

ENDS

It's very good, and surreal, but the punch doesn't live upto the rest of the skit. Also it's a great one for poking fun at political correctnes.

I liked it all the way through!

I don't like the punchline either. Up till then it's great. Though I think it could be improved by having Milkhead's rant written out in its entirety, and the rant having some funny lines in it.

Ok, the punchline needs some work. I'll sleep on it.

I intend to work on his rant a bit more. Have him describing uncomfortable milk incidents etc.

A guy comes in and complains of bullying as well

The boss unzips his flies and holds a cup under it

respect to you, takes a lot of nerve to put work up for open critisism read most of your sketches, your brain overflowing with ideas can only be good.

I did a rewrite of this. I think I got carried away!

Int. Office. 9.00 am.

A manager is sat at his desk doing paperwork in his small one person office. There’s a knock at the door and in walks a man.

Manager: Yes, what is it?

Man: It’s a little awkward. I’ve been on the receiving end of some bullying in the office.

Manager: Bullying?

Man: Yeah, its been going on some time now.

The man sits down opposite the manager.

Manager: What’s been happening?

Man: People seem to think that this

The man turns round to reveal a tap in the back of his head.

Man: (CONT) is some kind of joke.

Manager: What is it? Dandruff?

Man: No, it’s a tap.

Manager: Ah, that.

The man turns back round.

Man: Yeah, that.

Manager: And what have they been saying?

Man: They’ve been calling me Milkhead.

Man: Milkhead?

Manager: Yeah. Milk comes out of it.

Man: Out of your head?

Manager: No, out of my knee! Of course it comes out of my head. What d’you think the taps for?!

Manager: Restricting airflow pressure maybe.

Man: It’s for bloody milk.

Manager: Can I have a demonstration of how it works?

Man: No. I’m just sick to death of feeling like this freak. Ever since school, I’ve just been this exhibition that everyone comes and stares at. Milkhead this, Milkhead that. Every morning, I come in and find empty milk bottles on my desk. They leave notes as well "2 pints today, please Milkhead". And it's ruined my marriage. How was I to know my wife was lactose intolerant...

As the man is ranting, the manager gets up sneaks out of the office.

CUT TO: Int. Works Kitchen. 9.02 am

The manager is making a cup of coffee. He puts in the coffee, sugar and hot water. He picks up the cup and exits.

CUT TO: Int. Office. 9.03 am

The manager enters with his cup. The man is still ranting away to himself. The manager sneaks up behind him and turns the tap to get milk in his coffee. The manager finishes and goes back to his chair.

Man: I mean can you believe it? A pig! A baby pig suckling away at the back of my head. No wonder I failed my driving test. Then there's the suspicious white patches it leaves everywhere when it leaks. "It's not sperm, mother!" I cry, but she's convinced it is. It's all her fault anyway for sleeping with that pipework.

The manager tastes his coffee.

Manager: Delicious. Now, about this bullying.

Man: Yes?

Manager: I haven’t got time to discuss it at the moment, but how about you come back here at say, teabreak?

Man: Yeah, ok.

CUT TO: Int. Office. 10.30 am

The manager is sat at his desk. The man comes walking back in.

Manager: Take a seat. Just one moment.

The manager picks up his phone and dials a number. He does a loud cough down the phone and then hangs up.

Manager: Sorry about that. Now, this bullying. It's not on is it?

Man: It's got to stop. I just can't put up with it any longer. You know what I found in drawer yesterday? Udders! A set of comedy udders! It's ridiculous.

As the man is saying his previous line: The door to the office opens and in walks a woman. She is carrying a milk tanker/tin. She places it behind the man. The manager discreetly nods at her. She turns the tap and runs out.

Manager: Out of interest, what is the fat percentage of the milk?

Man: Well, it's 12%, but what interest is that to you?

Manager: Oh nothing. Nothing at all.

The manager starts typing away at his PC. The camera shows what the manager is typing on his PC. He is finishing off a large label which reads "Fresh Man Milk - Only 12% Fat - Canned at Source". The camera shot goes back to showing both men.

Manager: Could you just excuse me for one moment?

The manager dials a number on his phone and coughs loudly down the receiver. He hangs up.

Manager: How would you feel about moving to another department?

The woman from earlier discreetly enters, turns off the man's tap and leaves with the milk tanker/tin.

Man: I'll just get the same old abuse though.

Manager: I think I can guarantee you that this department will give you the respect you deserve.

Man: Well, yeah. I'm up for that.

Manager: Excellent.

CUT TO: Ext. Field. 10.45

The man and manager are stood in a field surrounded by cows.

Man: I do what?!

Manager: You just get down on your knees and graze.

Man: And you're sure this isn't to up my milk production?

Manager: Of course not!

Man: Hmmm, well who do I report to?

Manager: Farmer Ackbourne over there.

The camera shows Farmer Ackbourne. He is a stereotypical farmer.

Man: Get chewin' yer bastard!

The man shrugs his shoulders, gets down on his knees and starts chewing the cud. The manager rubs his hands devilishly.

ENDS

Much improved, lovely punch line, very funny.

Almost could picture him in a field full of office workers, maybe some hairy ones in a corner being sheered, and some porcine ones being lead to slaughter. But then that's a different skit and your's is great.

"No wonder I failed my driving test."

Superb.

Far, far preferred the second draft. Only I think you're right, you did get carried away!

There's just so much to follow - Office to Kitchen to Office to Field. Better to limit it to a single location. You can still get the joke across without leaving the building.

Perhaps play it for absurdity's sake. The Manager leaves his room to get his teacup and make a couple of phone calls while milkhead does his rant. Once he's back (maybe hours later) a delivery guy turns up wanting a signature off the manager for a hundred square metres of turf. The sketch ends with milkhead on his hands and knees grazing in the corner of the office (now converted to farmland) while his co-workers taunt him mercilessly.

PS. What's with writing the exact time in the slug of each scene? Unless a clock is going to feature in the scene, a simple Day or Night should suffice.

Very good... only I think (and I might be wrong) you have got mixed up with who's saying what here.

Man: They’ve been calling me Milkhead.

Man: Milkhead?

Manager: Yeah. Milk comes out of it.

Man: Out of your head?

Manager: No, out of my knee! Of course it comes out of my head. What d’you think the taps for?!

Manager: Restricting airflow pressure maybe.

Thanks for pointing that out, Ellie. I'll sort that out in a rewrite.

I took David’s comments into account and did a further rewrite. I also cleared up the little error that Ellie pointed out!

Int. Office. 9.00 am.

A manager is sat at his desk doing paperwork in his office. There’s a knock at the door and in walks a man.

Manager: Yes, what is it?

Man: It’s a little awkward. I’ve been on the receiving end of some bullying in the office.

Manager: Bullying?

Man: Yeah, its been going on some time now.

The man sits down opposite the manager.

Manager: What’s been happening?

Man: People seem to think that this

The man turns round to reveal a tap in the back of his head.

Man: (CONT) is some kind of joke.

Manager: What is it? Dandruff?

Man: No, it’s a tap.

Manager: Ah, that.

The man turns back round.

Man: Yeah, that.

Manager: And what have they been saying?

Man: They’ve been calling me Milkhead.

Manager: Milkhead?

Man: Yeah. Milk comes out of it.

Manager: Out of your head?

Man: No, out of my knee! Of course it comes out of my head. What d’you think the taps for?!

Manager: Restricting airflow… change the pressure maybe?

Man: It’s for bloody milk.

Manager: Can I have a demonstration of how it works?

Man: No. I’m just sick to death of feeling like this freak. Ever since school, I’ve just been this exhibition that everyone comes and stares at. Milkhead this, Milkhead that. Every morning, I come in and find empty milk bottles on my desk. And it's ruined my marriage. How was I to know my wife was lactose intolerant...

As the man carries on ranting, the manager dials a number on his phone. The other end answers.

Manager: I'd like to place an order...

The scene fades out and then back in. The man is still ranting away. The manager looks tired.

Man: I mean can you believe it? A pig! A baby pig suckling away at the back of my head. No wonder I failed my driving test. Then there's the suspicious white patches it leaves everywhere when it leaks. "It's not sperm, mother!" I cry, but she's convinced it is. It's all her fault anyway for sleeping with that pipework.

Manager: Well, I'm very touched by story. It sounds like lifes been quite a shit, so I've decided to promote you to my assistant.

Man: What really?

Manager: You'll finally get the respect you deserve.

There's a knock at the door and a delivery man comes in.

Delivery Man: Hello, mate. I've got a delivery for you. 18 square foot of turf?

Manager: Excellent.

CUT TO: Managers office.

The manager is sat at his desk. There’s a knock at the door and a woman enters with an empty milk carton.

Woman: We’ve, uh, run out of milk. Could we have some of yours?

Manager: Sure. Help yourself.

The woman walks over to the corner of the office which is now covered with turf. The man is there, on his hands and knees with a bell round his neck. He is chewing the grass. He looks up at the woman.

Man: HAHA! Not laughing now are you! Look at me! Assistant to the manager! HA!

ENDS

I love it. But then I would, wouldn't I?

Possible tweaks:

"Man: People seem to think that this

The man turns round to reveal a tap in the back of his head.

Man: (CONT) is some kind of joke."

A bit lumpy to read. I'd just have him deliver the line then do the reveal.

And:

"Manager: Well, I'm very touched by story. It sounds like lifes been quite a shit, so I've decided to promote you to my assistant."

Seems out of character. Keep it to business speak I would say.

Choosing to go imperial with the turf measurements was a sensible choice.

You've really found a niche with these oddball office sketches. Your day job is either facinating or extremely dull.

heh heh - milkhead ! it's white good ! that's as in right, not quite. make a good short film. i prefered the first version though. maybe i need to read again. just didn't like the farmer/ field scene.