The Off Licence Sketch

This is a rewritten sketch of an idea I had months ago.

Int. Off Licence.

Man enters with an empty vodka bottle. An assistant is behind the counter. The man puts the bottle on the counter.

Man: Hello, mate. I bought this bottle of Vodka yesterday, but there was something wrong with it.

Assistant: I see.

Man: I've got my receipt, so if you can sort me a refund out please.

Assistant: What exactly was wrong with it?

Man: It was past it's sell by date.

Assistant: Sell by date?

Man: Yeah. I drank it, over the course of 10 minutes, and was left feeling a little peaky.

Assistant: Peaky?

Man: Yeah. Loss of balance, vomiting, headaches, a tendency to upset the wife.

Assistant: I think you may have been, what we in the trade call, pissed.

Man: And you're qualified to give that diagnosis are you?

Assistant: As a matter of fact, yes. I'm a doctor.

Man: What are running an off license for then?

Assistant: It’s a new NHS sideline. We’re a bit strapped for cash.

Man: What?!

Assistant: And, it helps to inflict some extra liver damage on the nation.

Man: What good does that do?

Assistant: Keeps me in a job. It's a win-win situation.

Man: But what do I get out of this?

Assistant: How about 'buy 2 bottles of vodka, get a prescription free'?

Man: Done

They shake hands.

ENDS

Very nice, snappy delivery, and funny. But I would say stick to NHS off license/drunk from Vodka. The dismembering stuff and topless bits, are good could work else where. But here they distract from yet another powerhouse high speed skit. Do you send your stuff anywhere?

I've sent various collections of sketches off to production companies, but got no where yet. I've only been writing about 6 months though and am improving as I go on.

Same time as me ! You've got a cracking style for 6 months. Have you tried Rough Cuts, or the topical stage shows?

The problem with stuff like this is it feels very old fashioned.

By which I mean the opening line is 'I'd like to make a complaint'. No one has ever said that to anyone else, and not so in TV comedy since the 70s.

As soon as I read the opening line I kind of think 'amateur'. Now, we're ALL amateurs here but you don't want to make it too obvious.

Thats a good point, seefacts. I hadn't actually realised I was doing it, but I can see what you mean. It's supposed to be a trad sketch, but the dialogue does need to be modern at least.

Made some changes to it.