THE SPARTAN CAMP. 500BC. A SOLDIER ENTERS THE TENT OF KING LEONIDAS.
SOLDIER: Hail, King Leonidas! Leader of the Spartans! See his
mighty hands! How they crush his enemies! Behold! His
powerful legs, carrying him into battle! Witness his
awesome arms with karate action and kung-fu grip!
LEONIDAS: Yes, yes, what is it?
SOLDIER: Well... me and the lads... we've been talking...
LEONIDAS: Ah. You are contemplating tomorrow's battle. We
face overwhelming odds against an enemy bent on our
annihilation.
SOLIDER: All right. You don't have to keep going on about it.
LEONIDAS: But hear me now, soldier. Though we may die a hideous
death of the field of battle, one day you will be played
in a major film by a bloke wearing a leather posing-
pouch.
SOLDIER: Thank you. That's very reassuring. But it's not that.
It's just - well - we were just wondering - I mean,
I know we ARE the Spartans and everything but is it
really necessary to be QUITE so Spartan?
LEONIDAS: What? What is this?
SOLDIER: To put it bluntly, I'd like a cushion.
LEONIDAS: A CUSHION??
SOLDIER: Yes, at the moment we're all sitting on rocks and it's
very uncomfortable. They're not even normal rocks!
You make us sit on pointy ones! Look, I've got a
bruise!
LEONIDAS: We are MEN OF SPARTA! We eschew girlish luxury! We
relish PAIN and SUFFERING - pain readies the soldier for
battle, just as hunger readies the wolf before a kill!
SOLDIER: Well, that's as may be, but the toilet facilities in
this camp are disgraceful! We need somewhere we can
sit and read the papers. And I'm sorry - but a bucket
with a hedgehog in it simply won't do.
LEONIDAS: Gah! You REJECT the Spartan way then! Fie and shame!
The bucket is to remind the Spartan man of his humility.
and the hedgehog is - the hedgehog represents - look,
it's - I just don't like hedgehogs, okay?
SOLDIER: And where's the toilet roll?
LEONIDAS: Toilet roll?!? TOILET ROLL??? We are Spartans! Men
of SPARTA! We do NOT pamper our pooholes with soft,
tender tissue!
SOLDIER: All right! All right! Keep your hair on! What am I
supposed to use, then?
LEONIDAS: How about this?
LEONIDAS HANDS THE SOLDIER A CHEESE GRATER.
SOLDIER: A cheese grater?
LEONIDAS: Aye, 'tis only fitting.
SOLDIER: But doesn't it hurt?
LEONIDAS: Only when you squat in the tin bath full of lemon juice
afterward.
SOLDIER: Oh, this is ridiculous. I could understand it when you
made us stand outside for ten hours in the freezing cold
wearing nothing but a sock. But when you told us we
had to go on a 6 mile run with a squirrel shoved up our
back passage - what was that all about then?
LEONIDAS: Preparation! You never know what the enemy is going
to throw at you next!
SOLDIER: Well, I'm pretty sure we can rule out arse-dwelling
rodents, don't you?
LEONIDAS: Look, it's not like I don't endure all these hardships
along with you. There is not one task my soldiers
undertake that I would not willingly bear myself.
SOLDIER: I don't remember seeing you on that march! And what's
that behind your back?
LEONIDAS: Nothing... nothing...
SOLDIER: You've got chocolate biscuits!
LEONIDAS: No I haven't!
SOLDIER: Ooh! You bloody have! A huge pack of chocolate
digestives and a mug of cocoa! Meanwhile, your army's
out there trying to find a way to cut a rich tea
biscuit into 300 equal parts!
LEONIDAS: A rich tea biscuit!? Where did they get that??
SOLDIER: Never mind that now... what's that noise...?
THERE IS MELEE AND CONFUSION WITHOUT
LEONIDAS: Zounds! 'Tis the enemy... and they're armed with...
SOLDIER & LEONIDAS: Squirrels!!
LEONIDAS: To arms, men! To arms! Tonight we dine in Hell!!
SOLDIER: Given the circumstances, your majesty - I would but
ask one thing...
LEONIDAS: No you bloody can't have a chocolate biscuit. Sod off.
THE END
I'm cosmos, I remember loving your work, you did a hilarious sketch on a team of masterbating teenagers!