Opening scene of...something

You know normally when you decide to write a sitcom, you think up characters and their backgrounds and then plan storylines etc. Well...in the last 15 mins I've done none of that, but have written what could be an opening couple of scenes for a sitcom or something like that. What do you think?? (EDIT: I just read it through and wasn't as impressed with it as I thought I would be, but I'd still like to hear your comments).

INT. PHOTOSHOOT

A SEXY LADY IS POSING FOR A MAGAZINE PHOTO SHOOT IN A BIKINI; A WIND MACHINE IS BLOWING HER LONG BROWN HAIR, AS THE PHOTOGRAPHER CONTINUOUSLY SNAPS PHOTOS.

JAMES (V.O.)
Sex sells. There is no doubt about that. People who say that they prefer personality over sense of humour are simply liars, because if we’d started like this-

THE SEXY LADY IS REPLACED WITH JAMES, OVERWEIGHT, WEARING SPEEDOS AND TRYING TO ACT IN A SEXY MANNER, WHICH JUST MAKES HIM LOOK CREEPY.

JAMES (V.O.)
You wouldn’t be half as interested. That’s me. I’m James. I’ve got a lovely personality and a great sense of humour. It’s not your fault though, it’s just in this world we live in beautiful is good. Can we get Lola back?

JAMES IS REPLACED BY THE SEXY LADY AGAIN.

JAMES (V.O.)
Ah, yeah, any Kinks fans out there – not quite as good looking now you know her name is Lola, is she? But no, Lola is all woman. Lola is my ex-wife. I know what you’re thinking – how did a guy who looks like me get a girl like this?

CUT TO:

INT. IMMIGRATION OFFICE

JAMES AND LOLA ARE BEHIND A DESK AS A BUSINESS LADY LOOKS OVER SOME PAPERS. THEY SAY “UK CITIZENSHIP”.

JAMES (V.O.)
I thought it was love-

THE PAPERS ARE MARKED WITH AN ‘APPROVED’ STAMP. AS JAMES AND LOLA LEAVE THE BUILDING, LOLA WALKS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM JAMES, WHO WATCHES HER LEAVE LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.

JAMES (V.O.)
But we just drifted apart.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM

ED AND SARAH FALL OFF EACH OTHER HAVING JUST HAD SEX. ED LOOKS CHUFFED WITH HIMSELF.

ED
You’re welcome, Sarah.

SARAH
Oh, thank you Edward, my big teddy bear.

ED
Do not fear, your ‘sex Ed’ lesson is not finished yet.

SARAH
No?

ED
Have you ever changed at Baker Street?

SARAH
On the underground?

ED
It’s the only stop where you can change from the pink line to the brown line.

SARAH PAUSES TO THINK MOMENTARILY, THEN GIGGLES, AND ED AND SARAH KISS AGAIN AND SNUGGLE UNDER THE COVERS.

CUT TO:

Not bad, but too much to quickly, more a vehicle for too pretty old jokes. Also self regarding male heroes, who get good looking girls, is a bit of a cliche.

I liked this. I liked the fact that it was pacy and I'd like to read more.

Bo.

yup, I liked it and would read more too. I always write a couple of scenes/ jokes to test drive characters before any detailed plotting. the difficulty I have is then having to cut decent jokes to benefit plot etc. The other difficulty i have is writing decent jokes.

I liked the way you wrote the photoshoot scene. I could see and hear it all very easily.
You could be writing the new vehicle for real life couple James Corden and Sheridan Smith, there.

Quote: zooo @ March 4, 2008, 1:44 PM

I liked the way you wrote the photoshoot scene. I could see and hear it all very easily.
You could be writing the new vehicle for real life couple James Corden and Sheridan Smith, there.

View original

Isn't Sheridan Smith on telly enough? And the only 'couple' worth mentioning are her tits.

Aw. My friend met her at a signing the other day and said she's really nice. (And not at all chavvy!)

Wow, thanks guys...nice feedback considering I woke up at 11 (it's my day off...) and it was written and posted by 11.20! Maybe I should look further into this idea then