Int. Pub
Man 1 walks up to the bar. A barman is behind the bar.
Man 1: Hello, I'd like a pint of bitter please.
Barman: I beg your pardon?
Man 1: I'd like a pint of bitter please.
Barman: Ok then.
The barman leans across the bar and strikes man 1. Man 1 gets back up and holds his nose.
Man 1: What d'you do that for?!
Barman: You asked me to.
Man 1: No, I didn't. I clearly said "I'd like a pint of bitter".
The barman leans across the bar and strikes man 1. Man 2 comes walking over to the bar. Man 1 gets back up and holds his nose.
Man 2: Hello, I'd like a slap in the face.
Barman: We're all out of slaps in the face.
Man 2: I'll have a punch to the ear then.
Barman: Coming up.
The barman pours a half pint of lager.
Barman: £1.85 please.
Man 2 pays for the drink and walks off with it.
Man 1: Why didn’t you punch his ear?
Barman: Because he knows how to ask properly.
Man 1: Ok. I'd like a... I'd like a.....
Barman: Punch to the face?
Man 1: Yeah, I’d like a... punch... to the face?
The barman leans across the bar and strikes Man 1. Man 2 comes running over and helps man 1 up.
Man 2: I saw that! That's assault!
Barman: He asked for it.
Man 2: Yeah, yeah!
Barman: He did! Ask him!
Man 2: Is this true? Did you ask him for a punch to the face?
Man 1: Well, technically, yes, I did. But you asked him for a punch to the ear!
Man 2: I asked for half a lager!
Man 1: No, you didn’t!
Man 2: I get it. You’re one of those sado-masochists aren’t you?!
Man 1: What?
Man 2: You young people make me sick!
Man 2 storms off.
Barman: So, then, what’s it to be?
Man: I want a pint of-
The barman raises his fist.
Man 1: You know what I want!
Barman: You’re after a pint of bitter aren’t you?
Man 1: Yes!
Barman: Hmmm, well I shouldn’t tell you this, but...
Barman looks around, scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to man1 who reads it.
Man 1: I’m not saying this!
Barman: Shame. It’s a really nice bitter we’ve got on at the moment.
Man 1: Ok. I’d like (MUMBLES QUIETLY)
Barman: I didn’t catch that.
Man 1: I said “I’d like (MUMBLES QUIETLY)”.
Barman: You’ll really have to speak up.
Man 2 comes up to the bar and stands next to Man 1
Man 1: I’D LIKE TO SUCK YOUR COCK!
Man 2 spins round furiously.
Man 2: YOU UTTER PERVERT!
Man 2 strikes Man 1 in the face. Man 1 falls to the floor. Man 2 turns back to the barman.
Man 2: Right, I’d like an excruciatingly painful kick to the nuts.
Barman: Salted or dry-roast?
ENDS
