Can I have your feedback please

Can you let me know if this sketch is ok. Have not really written any before.

SPEED DATING

Sfx:Noises in a bar, people talking but the noise is more background than off-putting. Debra’s sitting at a table as Andy sits down at the table.

DEBRA:
Hi, I’m Andy

ANDY:
Hi Andy, I’m Debra.

DEBRA:
Andy, Can I just get you to look over there to the couple behind you. The guy in the suit and the very attractive blonde with the sylph like figure?

ANDY:
Yes

DEBRA:
That’s my pal Andrea

ANDY:
Yes, very nice

DEBRA:
Oh and see that girl over there with the long dark luxurious locks and the ‘Double D’ boobs?

ANDY:
Yes??

DEBRA:
That’s my pal Helen

ANDY:
Mmmh

DEBRA:
Please answer the following question honestly. If we were ever to have any kind of relationship, would it be because you like me, or because you want to sleep with my friends?

Sound of a chair scraping as it’s pushed back

DEBRA (IN DESPERATION):
Woah, stop, our 2 minutes isn’t over yet.

Hi Rosco

Yes not bad I liked it.

I could see this as more of a running sketch rather than a stand alone. IE the Debra character could re-appear throughout a thirty minute show each time with a different take on a new speed date partner.

Have you confused the opening two character speeches or am I being dim

Hehe -- just noticed what Blenkinsop meant and it gave me an extra laugh!

Very good Rosco. Like it. Short and sweet. Needs a bit of polishing (The ending could have a punchier line; her resigned to her fate or another joke.) but nearly all there.

Dan

No don't bring back Debra, it's Helen I wanna see more of!!

Nicely written, I agree the ending could be punchier! But the setup was well written and the dialouge was natural sounding.

Thanks guys. It's good to get constructive critisism

Ross

This really was a peach of a sketch. The construction was good, it wasn't overwritten and best of all, it was funny. The tag was good and very satisfying. However, I think it could really add something if the camera stays fixed on Debra's deadpan but shocked face for several seconds before she speaks, the payoff would be even funnier. Even so, and notwithstanding all this advice you've got, 'Speed Dating' is an excellent slice of comedy.

Thanks very much. The tenner's on it's way down to you in the post

Yeah I liked it too for the reasons above, short and simple. Though, unlike the others I wouldn't go for a finishing punchline at all, for me the sketch worked as soon as the scraping chair was heard and I think that's where it should end. It's best to imply the joke in my opinion.