Shed Clearing Sketch

Ext. Garden.

A young man is clearing out a shed. There is a large bin next to the shed. The man’s father comes over.

Father: My God! Is this all you’ve got done?

Son: I’m going as quick as I can.

Father: I asked you to clear it out 3 hours ago! What’ve you been doing?

Son: I keep getting distracted.

Father: You haven’t been spying on the young woman next door have you?

Son: Why would I do that?

Father: Because she’s sunbathing topless you moron. I don’t know, eh!

Son: I better go have a look.

Father: No you won’t. You’ll clear the shed out before you lay your peepers on her hooters.

Son: I’ve got exams coming up though; this shed clearing’s really stressing me out.

Father: She’s got a tube of suntan lotion with your name on it.

Son: It’s got my name on it?

Father: (TUTS) Did we christen you Ambre Solaire?

Son: No. You christened me Henrietta.

Father: You can blame your mother for that. I wanted Celia.

Son: So why did you say the suntan lotion had my name on it?

Father: I was trying to encourage you to work! It’s what father’s do! That and have affairs.

Son: Oh right. I’ll get on then.

The son goes in the shed and comes out with a single old newspaper. He slowly trudges to one of the bins and drops it in. He trudges back over to the shed. The father looks angry.

Father: Do I have to show you how to do it?

The son nods. The father goes storming into the shed. He comes out with a load of boxes and furiously slams them into the bin one by one.

Father: You see? Do it faster!

Son: Faster, yeah. I got yer.

Father: I don’t want to see anymore tortoise impressions. Talking of which, where’s my little Tommy Tortoise.

Son: Uh, I dunno. Oh wait. He kept running away from me, so I put him in that bin.

ENDS

Bit long, and lots of banter, for what could be a stronger punch. Got potential but needs tightening.

I rewrote this as I thought the bit about the neighbour was somewhat pointless.

Ext. Garden.

A young man is clearing out a shed. There is a large bin next to the shed. The man’s father comes over.

Father: My God! Is this all you’ve got done? I wanted to get Tommy tortoise’s new hutch in there today!

Son: I’m going as quick as I can.

The son goes in the shed and comes out with a single old newspaper. He slowly trudges to one of the bins and drops it in. He trudges back over to the shed. The father looks angry.

Father: Do I have to show you how to do it?

The son nods. The father goes storming into the shed. He comes out with a load of boxes and furiously slams them into the bin one by one.

Father: You see?

Son: Ok.

Father: Now, where’s my little Testudo horsfieldii?

Son: What?

Father: The tortoise!

Son: I thought his name was Tommy?

Father: It’s latin!

Son: We’ve got a ‘latin’ tortoise?

Father: No! I meant that... look, where is he? He was down here when I went out.

Son: Uh, I dunno. Oh wait. He kept running away from me, so I put him in that bin.

ENDS

Now this I like much sharper, and funny.

Second sketch was defo sharper. Good one again Winty.

Shame! I liked the bit about the suntan lotion having the son's name on it. Perhaps write another sketch using that line.

The second version is definately an improvement but the punch line still lacked something so ....
---------------------------------
Ext. Garden.

A young man is clearing out a shed. There is a large bin a few yards away from the shed. The man’s father comes over.

Father: My God! Is this all you’ve done? I want to get Tommy Tortoise’s new hutch in today!

Son: I’m going as quick as I can.

The son goes in the shed and comes out with a single old newspaper. He slowly trudges to the bin and drops it in. He trudges back over to the shed. The father looks angry.

Father: Do I have to show you how to do everything?

The son shrugs. The father storms into the shed. He comes out with a load of boxes and slams them into the bin one by one.
They overflow the bin. The father climbs up and stamps the boxes down into bin.

Father: There... You see?

Son: Ok.

Father: Now, where’s my little Testudo horsfieldii?

Son: What?

Father: The tortoise!

Son: I thought his name was Tommy?

Father: It’s latin!

Son: We’ve got a ‘latin’ tortoise?

Father: No! I mean... look, where is he? He was down here when I went out.

Son: He kept running away from me, so I put him in one of the boxes.

ENDS

I agree the punchline was weak because I thought the whole point was the neighbour - and that probably the father spied on her through a knot hole in the shed. Not that I've ever done anything like that.

Yeah, i guess kj's box ending makes more sense. That was actually my original idea for the ending, but it got changed along the way.

Yeah, KJ's version worked fine.

The tortoise gag is a bit close to a scene from One Foot in the Grave in my opinion.

I've binned this one, but out of interest, what happened in the OFITG episode?

if memory serves, the tortoise wanders off and is missing for much of the episode. Later, Victor is building a bonfire, margaret mentions about the missing tortoise and... well, you can guess the rest.

When they remade it in America with Bill Cosby, the scene lost all pathos and just became Cosby hamming it up. That's Americans for you...

I think yours reminded me of it simply because tortoise scenes are so rare on account of them being a nightmare to train. So any scene with a tortoise coming to a sticky end will instantly draw comparison with the OFITG one.

Funniest tortoise scene... EVER!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJzL_wyMahU

kjs