Pavement Sketch

Ext. Street. 10 am

A man is standing on the pavement and looking impatient. He sees someone walking towards him.

Man: About time!

A workman walks into frame in hi-vis vest etc.

Workman: I hear you’re not happy about the tarmaccing we did yesterday.

Man: Not happy?! I’m furious!

The workman looks around at the pavement.

Workman: Looks like a very nice piece of work this.

Man: Oh does it? Well how about I show you how it’s affected my jumping!

Workman: What?

Man: Look!

The man starts trying to jump, but appears to be stuck to the pavement.

Workman: Hmmm, I wonder what’s happened here.

Man: Perhaps I stumbled into an area of dense gravity!

Workman: You think?

Man: NO! Your associates tarmacced me here!

Workman: You weren’t holding them up were you?

Man: No. Well, I did look down at my shoelaces for a split second, but-

Workman: Ah, you see we’re working to very tight deadlines.

Man: I don’t care! I’ve been here all night.

Workman: All night?

Man: Oh no, I popped off home for a few hours between 3 and 6 a.m! YES! ALL night!

Workman: Can’t you just take your shoes off?

Man: I’m not leaving these here! They cost £120!

Workman: I think I’ve got an idea.

CUT TO: Ext. Street. 11 am

The workman is using a cutting tool on the pavement around the man’s feet. The workman finishes.

Workman: How’s that?

The man pulls his feet out of the pavement but still has a large piece of tarmac stuck to each foot. He struggles to walk, but just manages it.

Man: I guess that’ll have to do.

The man starts to heavily walk up the street.

Man: (Muttering) Unbelievable. Totally unbelievable!

ENDS

It's good and well constructed, and excellent character interaction. How ever a damp squib of a punchline, pretty much kills it.

So many better endings than that winterlight, shame, that was crying out for a killer punchline.

I'll work on an alternate ending.

Quote: writeone1 @ March 1, 2008, 6:32 PM

So many better endings than that winterlight, shame, that was crying out for a killer punchline.

View original

I agree.

My alternate version:

Ext. Street. Day

A man is standing on the pavement and looking impatient. He sees someone walking towards him.

Man: About time!

A workman walks into frame in hi-vis vest etc.

Workman: I hear you’re not happy about the tarmaccing we did yesterday.

Man: Not happy?! I’m furious!

The workman looks around at the pavement.

Workman: Looks like a very nice piece of work this.

Man: Oh does it? Well how about I show you how it’s affected my jumping!

Workman: What?

Man: Look!

The man starts trying to jump, but appears to be stuck to the pavement.

Workman: Hmmm, I wonder what’s happened here.

Man: Perhaps I stumbled into an area of dense gravity!

Workman: You think?

Man: NO! Your associates tarmacced me here!

Workman: You weren’t holding them up were you?

Man: No. Well, I did look down at my shoelaces for a split second, but-

Workman: Ah, you see we’re working to very tight deadlines.

Man: I don’t care! It’s been raining for the last 3 hours and I’ve been here all night.

Workman: All night?

Man: Oh no, I popped off home for a few hours between 3 and 6 a.m! YES! ALL night!

Workman: I guess we could get you dug up

Man: When?

Workman: That’s not up to me. You’ll have to go down the council and fill a form in.

Man: Fill a form in?! How the hell do you expect me to do that?!

Workman: Can’t you write?

Man: Of course I can, but I’m somewhat immobile at the minute!

Workman: Oh yeah, the tarmac and that.

The man holds his hand out.

Man: This rains getting a lot harder now.

Workman: Let me put a call in. See what I can sort out.

The workman pulls out his mobile phone and dials a number which is soon answered.

Workman: Hello, mate. It’s about this bloke who’s got tarmacced to the pavement on Thayer Street. (BEAT) What? Coming down here right now? (BEAT) Jesus, that’s quick. (BEAT) Alright then, cheers.

The workman hangs up.

Man: Sounds as though my lucks changing at last.

Workman: Not really, mate. Local rivers burst it’s banks. Floods coming. See yer!

The workman runs off.

ENDS

Nice works better

Yes. I'm glad I sorted something better out. It means I won't spend the rest of my life worrying what could have been. Does anyone else get haunted by sketches that could have been so much more?

Yes frequently. Poor old GBW worries why no one got his extravagant Gulf War 2 SKit.

I wanted the first one to end with the guy asking him why he didn't just take off his shoes and him going pale and not having thought of that and then very sheepishly slipping out of them, then being self consciously angry at him because his shoes are still stuck, for all that, but he's also busy feeling a twat for being there all night...

But I'm not sure if that's any funnier?