re: sketches

OK, I'm brand new to this site and thought I would throw in a couple of sketches for any feeback, good or bad. Never let anyone see my sketches before so be gentle (only kidding, if there are points to be made I need to know about them!).

Here are a couple about Evelyn Glennie - for those of you who have not heard of her she is a (reasonably) well known deaf classical percussionist from my part of the world (NE Scotland) who had fame UK-wide and further afield. Not been seen (or heard of <couldn't resist that one> for a while but that's not important I guess. I wrote them with radio in mind hence the 'FX' etc.

Cheers,

Andy

SKETCH 1 – TITLE: EVELYN GLENNIE OUT OF WORK

FX:TELEPHONE RINGS THREE TIMES THEN STOPS

FX:BEEPER GOES OFF

FXOORBELL RINGS

FX:KNOCK ON DOOR

EVELYN:I’m gonna have to get a new agent – he never calls.

- - - - - - - - -

SKETCH 2 – TITLE: EVELYN GLENNIE GETS INTERVIEWED

MALE INTERVIEWERo Evelyn, it’s nice to meet you.

EVELYN:And you.

INTERVIEWER:How have you been lately?

EVELYN:Just fine – thank you.

INTERVIEWER:That’s good to hear (pause) Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.

EVELYN:Why not?

INTERVIEWER:Bit insensitive, being good to hear. I mean, how would you know? Sorry.

EVELYNon’t worry about it.

INTERVIEWER:Thanks. I’m a bit nervous you see. I’ve never interviewed a deaf person before. Don’t want to make a fool of myself, you know. I did Stevie Wonder once – nearest to a deafie I’ve got.

EVELYNh, OK. I met him once. I’m a big fan. Did you like him?

INTERVIEWER:Never really saw eye to eye (pause) I mean, well you know. Still, his music’s blindin’ though (pause) I mean great! Anyway, back to you Evelyn. It’s great to have you back in the North East again – it’s been ears (pause) years!

EVELYN:Erm, yeah (pause) thanks. It’s good to be back. I really love it up here.

INTERVIEWER:All the familiar sights and s..(pause) sights, eh?

EVELYNstarting to sound annoyed) Erm yeah, I guess.

INTERVIEWER:Let’s talk a bit about your new album that’s out shortly. It’s quite a departure for you.

EVELYN:Yeah, I’ve tried to introduce a heavier sound to my music, bringing in guitars and drums to my usual xylophone and other percussion instruments. I can really feel the beat of the music.

INTERVIEWER:Quite a gamble. I imagine some of your fans must think you’ve taken leave of your senses (pause). I mean that you’ve gone mad (sniggers).

EVELYNstarting to get really annoyed) I guess some may think that, but I’m having fun experimenting with my music and I just see it as an exciting adventure. (Starting to calm down a bit) I’ve always loved rock music – I can feel its energy.

INTERVIEWER:Yeah me too. I’ve always loved rock music.

EVELYN:Really? Who do you like?

INTERVIEWERef Leppard.

EVELYN:I might have guessed.

INTERVIEWERorry, coincidence I guess. Well, since you’ve brought up the subject of being deaf, can I ask you how dafty kilt it wash to larn to rip leed?

EVELYN:I didn’t quite catch that. Can you repeat the question?

INTERVIEWER:Just a little humour there – don’t worry. So, about this new album. I believe it’s out in the shops on….

FX:MOBILE PHONE GOES OFF (DEF LEPPARD TUNE)

INTERVIEWER:Excuse me.

EVELYNure.

INTERVIEWER:Hello? (pause) Jimmy! Hi mate. Listen, can’t talk now. I’m doing an interview (pause) Evelyn Glennie (pause) You know, the deaf bird (pause) No, really (pause) No, really, it’s her (pause) He doesn’t believe me, he wants to talk to you – do you mind? – here, take this.

EVELYN:But, erm, I can’t….

INTERVIEWERh God, sorry! Forgot for a minute there (sniggers). (pause) Will call you back mate.

FX:BEEPING OF MOBILE PHONE BEING SWITCHED OFF

INTERVIEWER:Well, I’m afraid we’re running out of time. It’s been a real pleasure to meet you.

EVELYN:I wish I could say the same.

INTERVIEWER:I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

EVELYN:You just can’t stop yourself can you? At every opportunity you’ve had, you have ridiculed and embarrassed me and poked fun at my disability. I want to speak to your manager.

INTERVIEWERoooh, touchy. You’d be wasting your time anyway.

EVELYN:Why?

INTERVIEWER:He’s just like me - so it would fall on deaf ears.

EVELYNSeriously annoyed) That’s it! If you make ONE more remark like that I’m getting my lawyer involved and I’ll take you to court. Let’s see how funny you are then!

INTERVIEWER:I guess I’ll be seeing you there then.

EVELYNee me where?

INTERVIEWER:At the HEARING!

EVELYN:Aaaaarrrggghhh!

FX:HIGH HEELS STOMPING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE

My personal view would be that it's not acceptable to make humour out of a specific persons disability. I don't know how commercial a proposition that would be. I'm sure there are plenty of people who will say it's fair game, but I'm not one of them.

I didn't think it would be possible to establish in the first sketch that the person was Evelyn, so without the benefit of the sketch title or your explanantion, it wouldn't, in my view, make sence let alone be funny.

Notwithstanding what I said initially, there were some good lines in the second sketch and it made me laugh and now I feel all guilty.

Hi Andy

Not sure it needs to be someone specific (I'd never heard of her before) so you could introduce the interview as 'Jilly Anybody, the world's most famous deaf musician' rather than someone people had never heard of.

Steve's right with the first one: on the radio there's no way of knowing who it is who's talking so you need some way of getting that across.

Not really my cup of tea as a sketch as too easy to offend someone so I stay well clear but there were some funny lines in there.

Layout is nice and clear and easy to read too.

Hope this helps

Dan

Hi Andy

'fraid I'm with the others here.

It's just too easy a target and I think that it would be construed as bad taste by most mainstream broadcasters and commissioners.

However, well written and I do know of Evelyn Glennie and like Steve I laughed too and now I'm wracked by guilt

The listener's sympathy would be with the deaf person reducing the chance of getting any laughs. Evelyn Glennie is internationally famous and renowned for overcoming her deafness; I don't think she's fair game in the way that, say, Paul McCartney's wife is. As a new writer, Andy, I'd point you to John Cleese's Three Rules of Comedy - No puns, no puns and no puns.

Thanks for the feedback Steve/Dan.
Don't worry guys I'm not some sicko who just picks on the less fortunate (lest face it Im a Glaswegian living in the North East of Scotland amongst sheep and freezing my wotsits off so I'm not the most fortunate person alive). I just wanted to post something for feedback and although I'm not afraid to push boundaries and am not always 'politically correct' with my humour (what a boring world it would be without a little 'incorrectness' - I like to think I do not cross the line that should not be crossed.
Some very fair points though - I was aware that many people would not have heard of Evelyn and you are both right with regards to the first sketch.
Will post some more 'user-friendly' material later.
Thanks again,
Andy (a sheep loving Jock with a padlock on his wallet <damn my political incorrectness>

Andy,

I don’t have a view on your scripts, I find it difficult to make judgements “off the page” but think you should also thank Charlie, If you don’t know who he is (Yet) click on his “view profile” he's know what he talking about.

Barry

PS Welcome

"what a boring world it would be without a little 'incorrectness'- I like to think I do not cross the line that should not be crossed"
If a little political incorrectness is farting in a room your sketch is farting in a bottle and forcing a person to drink it. If the line was Jesus you would be Pontius Pilate ordering his crucifixtion, in other words you've crossed the line.

Andy you should take some notes from your name sake Andy from Extras. The humour in Extras comes from the embarassment which arises from characters being politically incorrect but trying not to be. Your interviewer is simply being nasty. In my opinion you can say and write whatever you want providing the joke is always on the prejudice attitude and not the minority (did you miss the whole alternative comedy thing?).

Some of the lines were good but you either have to make the interviewer more embarrassed by his slip ups or make the death musician more nasty e.g. shes the interviewers ex-wife and took the house in the divorce. This would justify the interviewer's comments because he is saying these things to spite her rather than taking the michael out of deaf people.

"Will post some more 'user-friendly' material later." Surely you could have been a bit more patronising? The problems aren't because the sketch is not user-friendly rather its not funny because its malicious, there is potential but you have to frame it in a better way. Think of it this way if you saw a clip of a child faling off a log on you've been framed would it still be funny if before the presenter told you that the child developed a tumour and died two weeks later? Its all about context.

Hi folks - I seem to have overstepped the mark inadvertantly and feel I should apologise for doing so. I guess I am just showing my newbie-ness if there is such a word. I've certainly offended ajp29 big time so for that I apologise - my jugular is only just starting to recover. I actually agree with much of what ajp29 says and it is constructive criticism I am after so mnay thanks for all of that - it will be taken on board. I must also apologise to those that actually admitted to laughing albeit a guilty chuckle.
Here's to a more succesful submission at a later date.
Andy (not that bad a guy really)

You havent overstepped the mark at all, theres much worse stuff on TV. The interviewer comes across like a prick, not someone who your supposed to agree with-hes an idiot.

It's hard to over-step the mark on this site, Andy, believe me. But you have to pick your targets carefully. This is a business, remember, and the one thing you don't want to do in business is upset your customers. Anyway, you'll get a lot of value from being on here. Lotsa luck.

This was before my time and I enjoyed it. Maybe it was a bit toooo longthough.

Me too and ditto - agree with Dave C

I get offended though by people who are offended! It's comedy and comedy strikes where it will!

Found this due to a link being left to it, on one of my sketches.
I really liked it. Mine is similar. I have done several others.
A woman with Alopecia, a Burns victim yardey yarder.
In comedy or even in life, it is very hard to not offend people at some time. Be they fat, skinny, religious, disabled, druggies, prostitutes, old aged, blah yardey yarder. As long as people who are living with those conditions are not offended by it, what right do we have to be. After all feeling sorry for someone because of a disability is surely a form of offence to them as well. Your like saying they can not stick up for themselves. Now that is MEAN MEAN MEAN!!!!

Anyhoo I am off taking my 2 seeing eyes, 2 hearing ears, 2 working legs, 2 movable arms, 1 head with reasonable face, with me.

Yes I know I am a lucky bitch.

PS. I could be offended to lots of stuff. Sexist shit for one. I am not offended. I just laugh if it is funny or go tut if it is not. There are cancer jokes. Nearly all of us have been affected in someway by that. What about war jokes, Sept 11 jokes, Princess Diana jokes, Madeline Mccann Jokes.This is just one talented woman who happens to have an album out whose deaf. Or in Scotish, Deef! (Now am i racist for that last remark)??????????????????????

I didn't find this offensive [and I've spent several evenings with Evelyn Glennie] but just found the interviewer rather childish. He knew he was making the deaf jokes wheras it would of been funnier [to my ears!] if he kept on stumbling into the gaffs, a la Alan Partridge.