Hello all,
I've written the first few scenes from my new comedy. If you look at my post a few days ago you'll see the synopsis. Feedback please!
Many thanks
WORTH MORE DEAD
SCENE 1. INT DAY. PERSONNEL/ HUMAN RESOURCES OFFICE IN BRIDGEWATER COLLEGE OF FURTHER EDUCATION IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND.
H.R MANAGER, STACIE MCGOOHAN, IS, STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR. DEREK MANDRILL GASPS WITH FRIGHT AS SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE LOWER BACK.
HR manager:
Helloooo. Derek. You wanted your updated pensions documentation?
Derek:
Yeah, sorry, lost the last lot. Accident with a..
HE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES A CARETAKER MOWING THE LAWN
Derek:
Lawnmower.
HR manager:
Aw. I killed one of my garden gnomes with a lawnmower.
CUT TO FLASHBACK OF STACIE BRANDISHING A DECAPITATED GARDEN GNOME AND WAILING UNCONTROLLABLY. ON THE WAY OUT, DEREK SKIM READS HIS PENSION DOCUMENTS AND MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH TO HIMSELF
Derek:
Bloody ell, I’m worth more dead than alive...
H.R manager:
Any way, enjoy your holiday – going anywhere nice?
Derek:
Hmm. Sore point.
CUT.
2. EXT DAY. OUTSIDE THE COLLEGE.
DEREK IS TALKING ON HIS MOBILE TO HIS WIFE, KAREN, WHO IS SEARCHING FOR HOLIDAYS ON THE INTERNET.
Karen:
The cheapest I can find in 499 for a week in Corfu, unnamed accommodation.
Derek:
Hmm probably above a noisy taverna that smells of the drains.
Karen:
Or 549 for Majorca
Derek:
That’s 5 hundred and forty nine?
Karen:
No, Derek, it’s a bunch of random numbers and I’m Carol soddin’ Vorderman. Yes, it –
Derek:
It’s just that this isn’t one of those adverts for you know, Futon Planet or World of Kettle or something..
Karen:
Derek, are you listening?
Derek:
Look, we break up for a long hot summer at 12.30, I’m off into town to buy some DVDs and maybe some summer clothes that will make me look like a nineteenth century colonialist. Ring you late afternoon?
Karen (haughtily):
Or maybe you could see if you could do better in a travel agent in town?
CUT
3. EXT: DAY. OUTSIDE A TYPICAL HIGH STREET TRAVEL AGENT.
DEREK PEERS THROUGH THE WINDOW AND, SEEING THE QUEUE, DECIDES TO GO OVER THE ROAD TO RETRO RECORD SHOP, ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’ INSTEAD.
WIPE TO INSIDE ‘THE VINYL FRONTIER’.
4. INT DAY, INSIDE THE RECORD SHOP.
‘MMMM’ BY CRASH TEST DUMMIES IS BLARING OUT OF THE LOW QUALITY SPEAKERS ON THE WALLS OF THE SHOP.
WHILST RIFLING THROUGH THE INDIE SECTION, HE FEELS SOMEONE BRUSH AGAINST HIM. HE LOOKS UP FROM THE PIXIES BACK CATALOGUE AND SEES SOME PAINT-SPATTERED TROUSERS WALKING OUT OF THE STORE AT CONSIDERABLE PACE. DEREK FEELS FOR HIS WALLET, WHICH HE FINDS BUT THEN FEELS IN THE OTHER POCKET, WHICH IS NOW EMPTY.
DEREK PANICKILY ADDRESSES THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER, A LUGUBRIOUS BESPECTACLED LOAFER:
Derek:
My chequebook, it’s gone!
Record shop man:
We haven’t got anything by them.
Derek:
No, did you see anyone take my cheque book.. that man…! Oh, forget it – you dopey arsewit!
AS HE RUNS OUT, THE MAN WHINES, ‘YOU ARE’. DEREK LOOKS DOWN THE STREET BOTH WAYS AND SIGHS, DEJECTEDLY.
CUT
5. INT. DAY. INSIDE THE BANK.
DEREK TRIES TO GET MONEY FROM THE CASH MACHINE BUT THE ATM RETURNS THE MESSAGE ‘INSUFFICIENT FUNDS’. HE DECIDES TO TRY TO RAISE A COUNTER CHEQUE OR USE HIS CREDIT CARD AT THE COUNTER TO GET SOME MONEY. WHILE HE IS THERE, HE PLANS TO REPORT HIS CHEQUEBOOK AS STOLEN. HE NOTICES SOME PROMISING STILETTOS IN FRONT OF HIM IN THE QUEUE. THE CAMERA PANS UP THE WOMAN’S STOCKINGED LEGS AND EVENTUALLY TO HER FACE AS SHE TURNS AROUND AND MEETS DEREK’S EYES WITH FROSTY HOSTILITY.
Attractive woman:
Were you checking out my arse just then?
Derek:
No, I was looking at how the queue is shaped and in fact moving like an anaconda.
Attractive woman:
Don’t lie, I saw you in that mirror.
Derek:
Do you think I’m some kind of -
AS SHE POINTS TO THE MIRROR, DEREK SEES THE REFLECTION OF A MAN IN THE SAME PAINT-SPATTERED COMBATS HE SAW RUNNING OUT OF THE RECORD STORE. EAGER TO SEE IF IT WAS THE SAME MAN, HE EXCUSES HIMSELF TO THE WOMAN AND SHE WATCHES HIM MOVE DOWN THE QUEUE BY THRUSTING HIS HIPS FORWARD THEN BACK, PROVOKING THE IRE OF EVERYONE HE BRUSHES HIS GENITALS OR BOTTOM AGAINST. THE BANK TELLER SAY’S ‘THANK YOU MR MANDRILL’ AS THE MAN TURNS AND WALKS AWAY. A YOUNG MALE GOTH BLOCKS DEREK’S PATH AND MAKES HEAVILY MADE UP EYE CONTACT.
Goth:
Mr Mandrill, do you remember me – you taught me between 2003 and 2005? I don’t think you’re a sex offender like everyone behind you.
DEREK LOOKS BEHIND HIM AND EVERYONE IS GLARING AT HIM AS IF HE HAS JUST RUN UP AND DOWN THE QUEUE MASTURBATING WITH HIS TONGUE OUT. HE RUNS AWAY IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE CHEQUE BOOK THIEF.
Goth: Or maybe he is.
CUT
