A boy named Shoe.

Thought I would share the opening of the piolot I'm working on. The lead character is Jimmy Shoe. It's still a work in progress yet, and the characters need padding, but this is the start...

OPENING TITLES

FADE IN

SC.1. CASH MACHINE IN A HIGH STREET. EXT.DAY

WE SEE JIMMY APPROACH. HE STOPS BY THE MACHINE AND INSERTS HIS CARD

AND KEYS IN HIS 4 DIGIT NUMBER. HE PRESSES SEVERAL KEYS. THE SCREEN READS ‘ACCOUNT OVER DRAWN’.
JIMMY:
Bollocks. Damn you e bay with your tempting wears. Damn your Signed Leonard Nimoy single and handkerchief with Alison Hennigams ‘s sweat on it.

HE PULLS OUT HIS CARD, TURNS AND HEADS DOWN THE STREET AWAY FROM CAMERA VIEW. AS HE WALKS HE TRIPS ON SOMETHING AND STUMBLES. HE LOOKS DOWN BUT NOTHING IS THERE. HE LOOKS AROUND TO CHECK THAT NOBODY SAW, THEN DOES A JOHN TRAVOLTA, SATURDAY NIGHT FEEVER TYPE SWAGGER AS HE WALKS. HE STEPS INTO THE ROAD TO CROSS AND IS ALMOST HIT BY A CYCLIST. THE CYCLIST GESTURES AT HIM AS HE SWERVES TO MISS HIM. JIMMY CONTINUES ON HIS WAY. A SMALL DOG ON A LEAD YAPS AT HIS FEET. JIMMY CROUCHES TO PAT IT AND IT CURLS IT’S LIP AND SNARLS. HE GOES ON HIS WAY. HE PASSES A GANG OF SCHOOL KIDS WHO ARE SMOKING. WE SEE HIM APPROACH THEM, WE CAN SEE HE IS ‘REPRIMANDING THEM’ . THEY ALL TURN TO FACE HIM, HE SMILES NERVOUSLY AND TURNS TO RUN. WE SEE HIM COME RUNNING AROUND A CORNER WITH THE GANG CLOSE BEHIND. JIMMY HIDES BEHIND TWO OLD WOMEN IN A BUS SHELTER. THEY WAVE THEIR WALKING STICKS AT THE GANG AND THEY RUN AWAY.

CUT TO

SC.2. THE BUS. INT. DAY

WEE SEE JIMMY SITTTING ON THE BACK SEAT OF THE BUS. THE TWO ELDERLY WOMEN ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM. THROUGH THE WINDOW WE SEE THE GANG. JIMMY STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE AT THEM AS THE BUS PULLS AWAY.

CUT TO

SC.3. A STAFF ROOM. INT. DAY

EVAN SITS READING A TABLOID, DAWN IS READING A MAGAZINE AND CAITLIN IS TEXTING ON HER MOBILE. JIMMY ENTERS LOOKING FLUSTERED. HE SLIPS OFF HIS COAT AND WE SEE HIS T SHIRT HAS THE SLOGAN, ‘I MARRIED A GELF.’ EVAN LOOKS UP.

EVAN:

What’s up Dude?

JIMMY:

The bank has charged me for going overdrawn again.

HE SCREWS UP BANK PRINT OUT AND TOSSES IT TOWARDS WAIST BINS. IT MISSES.

DAWN:

You can’t just chuck it away jimmy. What about your bank details? What if someone steals your identity?

JIMMY:

Steal my identity? My life is so shit I don’t even want it.

DAWN:

Have you reported you‘re stolen credit card yet?

JIMMY:

I decided not to bother. Who ever stole it spends less than me. (Sighs) It’s going to be a bleak Christmas this year.

DAWN:

I hope you don’t plan to do the old ‘Bar Humbug’ thing again Jimmy. You do it every Christmas.

JIMMY:

And why not? I think I’ve got my ‘Bar Humbug’to perfection.

HE MIMICKS ‘SCROUGE’

JIMMY:

Christmas, bar humbug. Back to work. Bar. Humbug. Scrooge is my all time favourite super hero; forget Superman, Batman and Manfred man. Anyone who can be that malicious without even making an effort is tops with me. (Sighs) I always loathed Christmas, even as a kid. I just don’t get it. What is the connection with Christmas and sprouts anyway? That’s the only time anybody eats the evil little bastards. And a tree with tinsel and crappy plastic balls on it. What has all that got to do with christmas?

DAWN:

You must have liked Christmas as a kid though Jimmy. All kids like Christmas. You’re parents must have bought you presents.

JIMMY:

Oh Yes. I’ll tell you about my presents shall I? One year I recall, I woke Christmas morning and there at the foot of my bed was a stocking, well, I call it a stocking, but lets call a spade a spade shall we, it was one of my grans surgical stockings, they didn’t even wash it first and she had athletes foot. In the bottom of said stocking was one parcel wrapped in newspaper, no fancy wrapping paper for me oh no, class, . So I rip it open, and I’m hoping to find the Luke Skywalker action figure that I’d been asking for since, well, since forever really.. Do you know what I found when I ripped it open? I’ll tell you shall I? A Blow up doll, a sex doll,, ’Rubber Roz’. What sort of present is that for a twelve year old? Then you wonder why I’m so messed up.

EVAN:

God I would have loved for my parents to buy me a sex doll. Have you still got it? Those things cost a fortune.

JIMMY:

No I don’t still have it. She cheated on me with Raymond Walloon.

DAWN:

Who’s Raymond Walloon?

JIMMY:

He was my imaginary friend. He was so cool, pull girls like that. (Snaps fingers). Bastard stole all my girlfriends.

EVAN:

He was your imaginary friend. Why did you not imagine him less cool?

JIMMY:

What and have people think my best mate was a geek? No way, having a cool mate was good for my street cred.

EVAN AND DAWN EXCHANGE GLANCES

DAWN:

So what happened to Rozz?

JIMMY:

I killed the bitch. Killed her stone dead.

JIMMY MIMICS PUNHING SOMEBODY

JIMMY:

I buried her in a shallow grave; I would have gotten away with it too if not for being reported by those pesky kids.

EVAN:

You were a pesky kid

JIMMY:

I was never pesky. Irksome, wearisome perhaps, but I was never pesky.

Only just started reading this so I'll give my critique when I've read it all, but shouldn't it be "Alison Hannigan's sweat" not the name you put...unless you mean a different celebrity...

The best line was that one you posted yesterday about the imaginary friend, thats a very good line. Just a couple of minor points...

JIMMY:

Steal my identity? My life is so shit I don’t even want it.

moving the word "even" to before "I don't" would make that stronger. The next line also has "you're" when it should be "your" I think. Obviously these are little points and you're in early stages so don't feel bad that I'm picking you up on it, but as everyone will tell you, it's the little things like this that will decide whether your script gets read or chucked in the bin.

Overall, I like how we got to know the Jimmy character straight away that's good. We don't learn a lot about the other characters though? Perhaps maybe Evan because he wants that blowup doll, but not a lot else. Another good thing is that you've already set up a storyline for the episode with it based around an identity fraud(?) thats good. A few good lines in there, and I'm sure as you do a re-draft you'll tighten up the rest.

When do we learn that Jimmy's surname is Shoe? The sooner the better I'd say because otherwise I have no idea why I'm watching a programme called "A Boy Named Shoe".

We will learn that Jimmy's name is Shoe later in the scene when he receives a letter addressed to 'Miss Jmmy Shoe', and he kicks up a fuss that they have called him Miss. Not because he is angry that they think he is a woman, but because they assume he is not maried.

I like!

Quote: Andrew M Bedell @ February 29, 2008, 1:24 PM

We will learn that Jimmy's name is Shoe later in the scene when he receives a letter addressed to 'Miss Jmmy Shoe', and he kicks up a fuss that they have called him Miss. Not because he is angry that they think he is a woman, but because they assume he is not maried.

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that's good.

The one thing I'd suggest is being wary of having all the lesser characters existing just to feed Jimmy's story. It feels like only Jimmy exists, with everyone else feeding him lines. Look at how he has several lengthy passages of text, yet everyone else gets just a line here or there. That is rarely how conversations actually work - especially somewhere like a staffroom.

The idea is good, however. Try not to think 'I am writing dialogue' and just think about how people actually talk.

Yeah quite a few typos:-

Wares not wears
Bah humbug not Bar humbug
Scrooge not Scrouge

and I think I/E is usual convention for shots inside cars on buses etc
It is in TV drama; not sure about sitcoms, I’m sure someone else will be able to let you know.

But those are all minor things that would be picked up during rewrites/polishing etc

I liked the line “….Superman, Batman and Manfred man” but it doesn’t seem to fit with the character, he comes across as much younger (although he must be 36ish? So I suppose it might be OK, depends what age group you’re aiming at)

Thought it was quite funny, would like to read more and as Charisma said, you need to get the reason for characters name in quite early (assuming it’s a play on Jimmy Choo but a pun’s not enough)

Hmm your definitely onto a winner. Though Xmas at wrong time of year grates.

Love the silent intro, really love it, mark of an artist that.

Snappy, funny dialogue, which sets the scene, and characters with no expository guff.

It's also funny, could possibly trim it down a little.

Otherwise a confident stride, in the right direction.

Quote: Barbs @ February 29, 2008, 1:48 PM

The one thing I'd suggest is being wary of having all the lesser characters existing just to feed Jimmy's story. It feels like only Jimmy exists, with everyone else feeding him lines. Look at how he has several lengthy passages of text, yet everyone else gets just a line here or there. That is rarely how conversations actually work - especially somewhere like a staffroom.

The idea is good, however. Try not to think 'I am writing dialogue' and just think about how people actually talk.

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The other characters do all get their own story line. Caitlin is trying to find a rich man, Evan is trying to sleep with 100 women before he reaches 40 at the end of the year, and Dawn is trying to convince Evan that she is his mrs right.

Quote: Writer2K @ February 29, 2008, 1:49 PM

Yeah quite a few typos:-

Wares not wears
Bah humbug not Bar humbug
Scrooge not Scrouge

and I think I/E is usual convention for shots inside cars on buses etc
It is in TV drama; not sure about sitcoms, I’m sure someone else will be able to let you know.

But those are all minor things that would be picked up during rewrites/polishing etc

I liked the line “….Superman, Batman and Manfred man” but it doesn’t seem to fit with the character, he comes across as much younger (although he must be 36ish? So I suppose it might be OK, depends what age group you’re aiming at)

Thought it was quite funny, would like to read more and as Charisma said, you need to get the reason for characters name in quite early (assuming it’s a play on Jimmy Choo but a pun’s not enough)

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Jimmy is 37. Not sure on a target audience yet, 30 - 40 maybe.

I really like this, it's good and different.
Just a nit pick...........your tempting wears....should be .....your tempting wares

Quote: bushbaby @ February 29, 2008, 2:46 PM

I really like this, it's good and different.
Just a nit pick...........your tempting wears....should be .....your tempting wares

View original

I know, but i'm a lazy lazy man and can never be bothered to spell check...

I shall make the effort.

Quote: Andrew M Bedell @ February 29, 2008, 1:24 PM

We will learn that Jimmy's name is Shoe later in the scene when he receives a letter addressed to 'Miss Jmmy Shoe', and he kicks up a fuss that they have called him Miss. Not because he is angry that they think he is a woman, but because they assume he is not maried.

View original

That is genius.

I like it, I think you could tighten up a bit of the dialogue, but I think he's a really strong central character.

Jimmy Shoe, what a genius name. Just like Jimmy Choo, great running joke potential if he goes on blind dates. Women euuurrggghh, I thought I was getting a free pair of Jimmy Choos.

I still like, and typos can always be edited out.

Quote: Andrew M Bedell @ February 29, 2008, 2:48 PM

I know, but i'm a lazy lazy man and can never be bothered to spell check...

I shall make the effort.

View original