SKETCH COMP 28.2-5.3.8

Well I'm blowed. Well shut my mouth. Well bugger my braces.

The current winner's ME! I win 10 shiny points and something to think about whilst having sex. (I shall PM myself for next week's subject.) Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Moi
1 - 5 - David Chapman, Frankie Rage, Fred Peters, Winterlight, Nigel Kelly, Charley, Hellboy

The new subject is THE VILLAGE, chosen at random by meself due to lack of PM.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 5 March 2008 (not 2009).

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
71 - Charley Rance
60 - Baumski
55 - Jude
41 - Fred Peters
32 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Paul Watson
16 - David Chapman
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Dannyjb1
10 - Nigel Kelly
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, all the blood's rushed to my head. Thanks

Definition of village

1. A small group of dwellings in a rural area, usually ranking in size between a hamlet and a town.
2. In some U.S. states, an incorporated community smaller in population than a town.
3. The inhabitants of a village; villagers.
4. A group of bird or animal habitations suggesting a village.

The village I live in Definition crap hole.

INT. PUB. DAY . TWO MEN (STEVE AND JIM) ARE TALKING AT THE BAR.

STEVE: So, let me get this right Jim. A village is smaller than a town and a cigar is smaller than a village?

JIM: No, a hamlet is smaller than a village.

STEVE: That’s what I said. A hamlet is a cigar.

JIM: No, that’s just a brand name.

STEVE: But a cigar is smaller than a village, is it not?

JIM: Yes, technically speaking it is but Hamlet can have many meanings Steve.
It can be a small settlement, a cigar and a play, right.

STEVE: Hamlet’s a playwright Jim?

JIM: No, Hamlet is the name of the play, its one of Shakespeare’s.

STEVE: Sheikh Spears, Britney’s Arab uncle. I think he trains racehorses Jim.

JIM: For Christs sake, Shakespeare is dead centuries ago, he never trained racehorses and he was never related to Britney.

STEVE: He's not dead in fact he's got one running at Newmarket today. STEVE LOOKS AT HORSE RACING SECTION OF NEWPAPER.

THE BARMAN IS LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSATION AND STARTS TALKING.

BARMAN: Jim, Sheikh Spears was in this very pub two weeks ago with a jockey. He’ll not be back though.

JIM: Why’s that?

BARMAN: (winks at Steve) He’s bard. B -A -R -D Jim.

THE BARMAN AND STEVE ARE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.

JIM: (exasperated) God forgive us all!

STEVE: Thats Macbeth your quoting Jim. Act five, scene one.

LAUGHING CONTINUES.

ENDS.

‘Idiot Country’

Michael Monkhouse

AN OFFICE.

Mr Gummidge – a fat man with a suit, straw hat and grass in his mouth – is at his desk humming ‘I’ve got a Brand New Combine Harvester’.

Enter Mr Smythe, a shy man in a suit.

GUMMIDGE: Ah Mr Smythe.

SMYTHE: G-good morning Mr Gummidge.

GUMMIDGE: Come in, sit down... I believe you wish to apply as our new village idiot. The last one died in a combine harvester accident.

SMYTHE: Yes I’d like to shake his hand.

GUMMIDGE: It’s in a bag over here... That was a joke.

SMYTHE: Yes.

GUMMIDGE: So what makes you such an ideal candidate.

SMYTHE: Well I’m rather whacky. Really I am. Watch...

Smythe gets up.

SMYTHE: Briefcases.

Long pause.

GUMMIDGE: Is that it?

SMYTHE: No – look I have a crazy mannerism. (coughs politely)

GUMMIDGE: I’m sorry but you’re really not mad enough.

SMYTHE: No please – I have a joke. My dog’s got no nose.

GUMMIDGE (groans): How does it smell?

SMYTHE: It can’t, it has no nose.

GUMMIDGE: Mr Smythe you have one last chance. Please say this sentence in your best bumpkin voice: ‘I buried my wife in a glass coffin because she used to like looking out of the window.’

SMYTHE: I buried my wife in...

GUMMIDGE: I was thinking something more along the lines of (crazy bumpkin accent): ‘I buried my wife in a glass coffin...’ Slightly different, don’t you feel?

SMYTHE: Please... You don’t know what it’s been like. I have a wife and two children and a job in the city and...

GUMMIDGE: It’s no good playing that one. You’re just not loony enough to be the village idiot.

SMYTHE gets up, starts to leave.

SMYTHE: All right... But you haven’t heard the last of this. I’ll make a very nasty speech about you at the Young Conservatives May Ball.

GUMMIDGE: You... You attend the...?

SMYTHE: Of course. I’m a founding member of the Young Conservatives and very proud of that I am too.

GUMMIDGE: Wait here a minute, I’ll get your contract.

My name is Snake and I live in a boring village
Where the only kicks we get is on a Saturday night
When we just rape and pillage
The place is so quiet
We just cause a massive riot

We apparently have a famous person living near by
I heard he sleeps in a pig sty
The post office is always shut
So we throw bricks at the scout hut
We break into the village school
My god aren’t we cool.

Last night we went to the park
Just too upset the apple cart
We drank far too much cider
Made the little stream one meter wider
Waited to dark to tip over a cow
Who would do it first started a row

Sometimes times I wonder why we do it
Then I remember why this place is a tower of shit
The village pub serves under tens
And its where the farmer sells his hens
When you try to buy a bottle of beer
The barman just thinks you’re a queer

Steeling cars is so much fun
Playing knock a door run
Scaring old ladies is what we do
There isn’t a lot else to do

Bowls on Tuesdays in the village hall
Means we have time to graffiti the halls wall
The law don’t care
They don’t dare to come into our lair
If they did we would scare them away
Make sure the fuzz pay

My gang is really hard
Cos from the village pub we are bared
We have 8 ASBO’s within the crew
Many off which happened cos
We used shop as the public loo

Some people think im too to old for this
I just give them a smack and a lisp
Im 46 with a science degree
And I don’t even pay for my tele license fee
I love my village cos I am king
But now im writing this in a cell on g wing

EXT. VILLAGE FETE

THE TOWN CENTRE IS FILLED WITH STALLS FOR THE VILLAGE FETE. THE TOWN MAYOR IS ON A STAGE TALKING INTO A MICROPHONE, AND THE WHOLE VILLAGE IS AROUND LISTENING.

MAYOR
Hello, and thank you all for coming, it’s been a great turnout. I’d like to say a few special thank yous to people who today couldn’t have happened without.
First, thank you to the local locksmith - you played a key part in making today such an event.
To the village baker - your role was huge.
The local brewery, for running the raffle – that was a corker.
One of the sole reasons for today being such a success has to be thanks to the cobblers.
To the village glove-maker: I wouldn’t say you made it so good just by yourself, but you did have a hand in it.
And finally, the family clinic – for all the aid you gave us in setting up this event.

IN THE CROWD, A YOUNG GIRL AND HER FATHER ARE TALKING.

DAUGHTER
Daddy, what is fate?

DADDY
A fete is like a party or a festival.

DAUGHTER
No, not that fete, I mean ‘fate’.

DADDY
Oh, I see. I think fate is something that is always going to happen in the end, and there may not be a reason for it-

A GIANT ROCK FALLS OUT OF THE SKY AND CRUSHES THE MAYOR. YELLS AND SCREAMS OF SHOCK COME FROM THE VILLAGERS AS THEY RUSH TO CHECK ON THE MAYOR.

DAUGHTER
Was that fate?

DADDY
No. He made lots of bad puns. That’s called Karma.

A FIRE AT THE VILLAGE SURGERY

SCENE 1.
INT. DAY. A BACK ROOM. TWO BROTHERS. ONE A DOCTOR, THE OTHER A BUTCHER, ARE IN DISCUSSION.

BUTCHER BROWN:
Sorry to hear about the fire at the surgery, our Dave

DOCTOR BROWN:
Yes, it couldn’t have happened at a worse time, what with all the new patients we’ve just signed up since old Doc Jones retired… it’s good of you to offer us a temporary home, Bill…

BUTCHER BROWN:
Glad to help my younger brother… you sure a room at the back of a Butcher’s shop will be OK...

DOCTOR BROWN (LOOKS AROUND):
Yeah, don’t see why not, everybody round here knows we’re brothers and it’s only temporary, it’ll be fine…

BUTCHER BROWN:
OK, oh and here’s that pound of pork sausages you wanted…

BILL HANDS DAVE A PACKAGE.

SCENE 2.
INT. DAY. BUTCHERS SHOP. OLD LADY COMES IN.

MRS BREWSTER:
I’ve come for my usual…

BUTCHER BROWN GRABS A SHEEPS HEAD AND PLONKS IT ON THE COUNTER

MRS BREWSTER (SHOCKED):
What’s that?

BUTCHER BROWN:
It’s what you usually have on a Friday...

MRS BREWSTER:
Will it help my piles?

BUTCHER BROWN:
Well, it might give them a nibble if you sat on it…

MRS BREWSTER:
What about my liver then?

BUTCHER BROWN PLONKS A TRAY FULL OF LIVER ON TOP OF THE COUNTER

BUTCHER BROWN:
Here’s yer liver, love…

MRS BREWSTER (MORE SHOCKED):
I didn’t realise they’d taken THAT much of my liver out!

BUTCHER BROWN:
Eh? Well, it’s very fresh, Mrs Grey’s had a pound, Major Thumper’s had two for his pit-bull and the Cartwright family are having it for tea with bacon and onions!

MRS BREWSTER:
Oh, I’m feeling ill, doctor…ohhhhh!

BUTCHER BILL:
Doctor? Oh, silly … go on through to the back room, love… tut-tut

MRS BREWSTER (CONFUSED):
Ok, butchers first then doctor…

SCENE 2.
INT. DAY. BACK ROOM. NOW KITTED OUT AS TEMPORARY DOCTORS SURGERY.

DOCTOR BROWN:
Hello, Mrs Brewster, what can I do for you today?

MRS BREWSTER:
Can I have my usual, please.

DOCTOR BROWN WRITES OUT A PRESCRIPTION AND HANDS IT OVER.

MRS BREWSTER:
Well, I can’t eat that…

DOCTOR BROWN (PUZZLED):
You need to take it to the Chemist…

MRS BREWSTER:
Chemist? Don’t you have any sausages?

DOCTOR BROWN:
Well, I do as a matter of fact…

DAVE PICKS UP THE PACKAGE THAT BROTHER BILL GAVE HIM.

MRS BREWSTER:
I’ll have those then…

DOCTOR BROWN (INCREDULOUS):
But you need suppositories Mrs Brewster, not pork sausages, you can’t use these…

MRS BREWSTER:
Why can’t I eat them, I’m not a Jewess…

DOCTOR BROWN (SHOCKED):
You don’t eat suppositories, Mrs Brewster…

MRS BREWSTER (GETTING ANGRY):
Oh, shove your sausages up your arse, butcher…

DOCTOR BROWN (REALISING):
Butcher? Oh, silly… go on through to the shop, Mrs Brewster… tut-tut

MRS BREWSTER LEAVES THE SURGERY/BUTCHERS SHOP.

VOICEOVER:
HALF AN HOUR LATER MRS BREWSTER WAS KNOCKED DOWN AND KILLED BY A DOUBLE DECKER BUS WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO PUT A BET ON THE 4:30 AT KEMPTON. THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT WHILST IT MIGHT SAY "WILLIAM HILL" ON THE SIDE OF BUSES, THEY DON'T TAKE BETS, NOT EVEN FOR OLD MRS BREWSTER! ;-)

BALLYMADRA VILLAGE AN THE LACK OF DIRECTIONS.

BUSINESSMAN DRIVING INTO THE VILLAGE OF BALLYMADRA HE COMES ACROSS A FARMER AND STOPS.

B/MAN: Execuse me could you tell me how to get to the Ballymadra Hotel I'm late for a conference.

FARMER: (thick Irish country accent)The Ballymadra Hotel? Be Jaysus, theres no hotels around.... except for the one up that road..

B/MAN: And whats it called?

FARMER: Am...the Ballymadra Hotel I think.

B/MAN: (A little annoyed)thats what I said and is it far away?

FARMER: (looks around trying to get his bearings) Jaysus if you...you have to...if you stay..You're on the road now stay on the road.

B/MAN: But how do I get there?

FARMER: (shouting) Stay on the road let you. Stay on the road!!

BUSINESSMAN DRIVES ON HE COMES ACROSS A TEENAGER AND STOPS.

B/MAN: Hello. Hi could you tell me how to get to the Ballymadra Hotel, I'm running late.

TEENAGER: 'Course I can. I've been staying there for the last week it's...you take....am...You're guess is as good as mine to be honest.

B/MAN: (ANNOYED) Christ Almighty!

HE DRIVES OFF AGAIN AND A COUNTRY BUMPKIN TYPE EATING AN APPLE WALKS OUT IN FRONT OF HIM AND HAILS HIM DOWN.

B/MANslight desperation in his voice) Can you please tell me how to get to the Ballymadra Hotel i'm so late.

BUMPKINS MOUTH IS FULL OF APPLE HE IS POINTING DOWN THE ROAD GIVING DIRECTIONS BUT BECAUSE HIS MOUTH IS FULL IT CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE IS SAYING. HE GESTURES TO WAIT UNTIL HE HAS THE APPLE SWALLOWED. HE SWALLOWS THE APPLE BUT TALKS EXACTLY LIKE HE DID BEFORE THE APPLE WAS SWALLOWED.

BUSINESSMAN LOSES IT. HE JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR, TEARS UP HIS NOTES, THROWS HIS JACKET ON THE GROUND, RIPS HIS SHIRT OPEN, KICKS THE CAR ETC.
PAN BACK TO BUMPKIN WHO IS NOW HOLDING A SIGN WHICH READS: 'WELCOME TO THE COURT HOTEL' AND PUSHES OPEN A LEAFY GATE.

END.

24 HOUR VILLAGE PEOPLE

INT DAY. TWO CREATIVE TYPES SIT OVER A SHINY TABLE.

Creative 1:
Yeah, it’s a great idea!

Creative 2:
Yeah, 4 real – like, a new Village People but brought, like, bang up to date.

Creative 1:
So, we give ‘em, like a local flava, U.K style.

Creative 2:
Mate, this is gonna be wicked..

FADE

INT NIGHT, THE TWO CREATIVES SIT IN A STUDIO.
Creative 1:
OK guys, once more from the top.

SFX: THE OPENING BARS OF ‘Y.M.C.A.’ BY VILLAGE PEOPLE.

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE THE NEW ‘VILLAGE PEOPLE’: ONE IS A WOMAN WEARING A TRACK SUIT AND SLIPPERS, PUSHING A PRAM, , A MAN WHO WIELDS A SPANNER AND HAS A POLAND FOTBALL SHIRT ON; THE REMAINDER CONSIST OF: A TRAMP HOLDING A CAN OF SPECIAL BREW, A BALD HEADED MAN WITH NO SHIRT AND THE CROSS OF ST GEORGE PAINTED ON HIS FACE, AND A PENSIONER ON A SHOPMOBILITY SCOOTER. THEY START TO DANCE AND LIP SYNCH TO THE SONG.

CUT BACK TO THE CREATIVES NODDING THEIR HEADS GLEEFULLY AND RHYTHMICALLY.

FADE

3 GOATEY BEARDS GRUFF.

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED 3 GRUFF MEN WITH GOATY BEARDS, WHO ALWAYS WORE FLIP FLOPS. FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. ANYHOO ONE NIGHT THEY DECIDE TO TRY A PUB IN THE VILLAGE ACROSS A BRIDGE.
THEY ARE A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT CROSSING THE BRIDGE, AS A TROLL LIVES UNDER IT. THIS TROLL IS A HUGE UGLY, NYMPHOMANIAC WOMAN WITH ONE EYE. IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT THE TROLL HAS A HUGE PREFERANCE FOR GRUFF MEN WITH GOATEY BEARDS.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 1
Right guys! I have the smallest cock. I should go first.
(HE STARTS TO WALK OVER THE BRIDGE. FLIPPITY FLOP, FLIPPITY FLOP)

TROLL
Who the feck is that flip flopping over my bridge.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 1
I am only going to the village pub to have a cold beer.

TROLL
Oh no you are not. I am going to make you eat me out for your evening meal. Then I am going to suck your cock like a lollipop.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 1
Oh no please Mrs troll. Dont make me eat you, wait a few minutes. My mate will be crossing the bridge & he has a much longer tongue & a bigger cock than I.

Troll
(Sighs) Oh alright then. You can cross the bridge. Go read some emails on how to increase cock size & exercise your tongue. I will make you eat me on your way back over the bridge.

THE FIRST GRUF GOATEY BEARD FLIP FLOPPED ACROSS THE BRIDGE.
THE SAME THING HAPPENS WITH THE SECOND GRUF GOATEY BEARD WITH HIS MEDIUM SIZED TONGUE & COCK. FINALY IT IS THE TURN OF THE THIRD GRUF GOATEY BEARD. HE HAS A HUGE TONGUE & MASSIVO COCK.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 3
(Starts to walk over the bridge) (Flip flop, thump goes the cock, flip flop thump)

TROLL
WHOSE THAT FLIP FLOPPING ACROSS MY FUCKING BRIDGE.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 3
It is I, the largest of my friends. I am going to the pub in the village, for a glass of cold beer.

TROLL
Oh no you are not. (Jumps up onto the bridge) (The bridge begins to sway with the weight). You are going to eat me out for your evening meal. Then I am going to sUck your enormous cock.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 3.
Ok.

THE TROLL LAYS DOWN AND THE GRUF GOATEY BEARD STARTS TO EAT HER OUT. SHE GRABS HIS HEAD & HER EYES START TO GLAZE OVER. FINALY SHE COMES, & THE FORCE OF HER GUSHES PUSHES HER UP, UP UP & AWAY, INTO THE RIVER BELOW.

THE GRUF GOATEY BEARD CONTINUES OVER THE BRIDGE & JOINS HIS MATES IN THE PUB.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 3
I sorted it. The ugly troll Overdosed on O. She is dead.

GRUF GOATEY BEARD 2
(Fans the air with his hand) Your breath stinks mate.

THE GUYS ARE JUST ABOUT TO TAKE A SIP OF BEER WHEN THEY NOTICE A LARGE CROWD OF VERY ANGRY MEN.
THE LARGE CROWD BEAT THE 3 GRUF GOATEY BEARDS TO DEATH.

I now declare this comp closed. And voting open till midnight Sunday, I thank you.

Fred Peters.

MICHAEL MONKHOUSE

Fred Peters!

Nigel Kelly!