Week In The Life - scenes 3 & 4

Scene 3. INT. KEITH’S KITCHEN – LATE MORNING

KEITH IS STOOD IN HIS KITCHEN MAKING TEA.

KEITHorry about that. Just one of my little jokes. You’ll get used to them. Grrr.

KEITH GROWLS AT THE CAMERA AND DOES “FAKE” ZOMBIE IMPRESSIONS. HE WALKS AROUND WITH HIS ARMS HELD OUT IN FRONT OF HIM.

PRESENTER:You make jokes often then?

KEITHnly when I get company. Which is less and less these days. You know what they say. You either laugh or you cry. Or in my case go on a blood thirsty rampage.

PRESENTER:Laughing sounds good.

KEITH:I bet.

PRESENTERo what have you got planned for today?

KEITH:What day is it? Oh yeah Tuesday. I’ve got to sign on and then a trip down the shop. I’ve also got a dentists appointment at 5.

PRESENTER:5pm? That’s a bit late isn’t it?

KEITH:Yeah, but the other patients get a bit edgy when I’m around so I go a bit later. Besides this is a new dentist so I want to make a good impression.

PRESENTER:What happened to your last dentist?

KEITH:We, er, had a disagreement. (UP BEAT) So this documentary you’re making. Does it require nudity? Because I don’t mind if it does.

CUT TO:

Scene 4. INT. SUPERMARKET– EARLY AFTERNOON

KEITH IS PUSHING A TROLLEY DOWN AN AISLE. SOME CHILDREN WALK PAST HIM SNIGGERING AND SHOUTING ABUSE.

KID 1:Zombie wanker!

KID 2:Go back to your own country!

KEITH IGNORES THEM AND CARRIES ON WALKING.

KEITHTO CAMERA) Did you hear all that? I hate half term. Kids give me nothing but grief.

PRESENTER:Why did they tell you to go back to your own country?

KEITH:Idiots think I’m Polish. Don’t realise I’m from Blackwood. Probably taught their Mam and Dad when they were little.

PRESENTER:You were a teacher?

KEITH:Yeah. For 20 odd years. Taught P.E. That is until all this happened. The headmaster didn’t think it was right a zombie teaching all those little precious slabs of meat.

PRESENTER:The children you mean?

KEITH:Yeah.

KEITH LOOKS AT THE CAMERA, LICKS HIS LIPS, SMILES AND WINKS AT THE CAMERA.

PRESENTERo you ever get the urge to eat human flesh?

KEITH:All the time. That’s why I go to the ZA meetings.

PRESENTER:ZA?

KEITH:Zombies anonymous. Though why it’s anonymous I don’t know. Pretty obvious if you ask me.

RUNS HIS HANDS UP AND DOWN HIS BODY IN A “MAGICIANS ASSISTANT” STYLE.

PRESENTERo what do you eat?

KEITH:Chicken and mushroom pot noodles. It’s the closest thing I can find to human flesh. All those lovely noodles. Just like intestines they are. Yum!

PRESENTER:How many do you eat a day?

KEITH:About 20.

PRESENTER:Must be expensive?

KEITH:Yeah. I’ve drawn up a petition to get them on prescription, but no luck so far.

PRESENTER:Why would they give you them on prescription?

KEITH:Well they give junkies methadone don’t they. Why not us pot noodles? Only the chicken and mushroom though. None of those beef and tomato. They’re foul.

KEITH IS WALKING DOWN THE TECHNOLOGY ISLE. HE IS LOOKING TROUGH SOME COMPUTER GAMES WHEN HE STOPS SUDDENLY.

KEITH:Bastards!

PRESENTER:You ok Keith?

KEITH:F**king bastards! (TO PRESENTER) Look at this.

KEITH HOLDS UP A COMPUTER GAME COVER.

PRESENTER:What about it?

KEITH:What about it?!? It’s a frigging “zombie shootem up”! Bastards!

PRESENTERNERVOUSLY) Calm down Keith.

KEITH:Calm down? Calm bloody down?!? I tell you what I’ve got a friend who writes computer games. How about he writes one called “Muslim Massacre” or “Christian Carnage”?

PRESENTER:Well that’s not really the same thing is it?

KEITH:Why not? (TO HIMSELF) Bloody hypocrites.

KEITH PUSHES HIS TROLLEY TO THE SIDE AND STORMS OFF.

PRESENTER:Keith where are you going?

KEITH:To ring Paul.

PRESENTER:Who’s Paul?

KEITH:He’s my 12 step mentor at ZA. If I don’t talk to him I’m going to rip someone’s throat out.

PRESENTER:Would you like to borrow my mobile?

CUT TO:

I can see this working as continuous sketches in a sketch show but I don't think it would work on its own due to its docusoap style.

thanks david. appreciated.

This has a nice feel to it Wayne, and follows on from 1&2. I suggest that you tack this on to your first post also then new people will get it all (It's a problem here that we can't edit thread headers to alert those following something that there's new contenet been added to the post)

Overall it reminds me of Big Train (The Ming the Merciless documentary sketch) Your style is nice and understated and there are enough gags to keep people reading on.

I like.

thanks guys.

I liked this aswell wayne.

cheers ajp. did you read the 1st two scenes aswell? could be a little disjointed other wise!

not that i'm greedy or owt!

Nope. I knew it was the 3rd scene didn't know you posted the other 2

they're down the bottom some where. marked week in the life - scenes 1 & 2

I think this is all very good. Quite refreshing in many ways. It probably wouldn't be too difficult to record some of these scenes too.

I think you could make it into a series just as Spinal Tap was a movie, The Office was two series, that thing with Chris Lagham. I'd be happy to read more.

It is quite like Ming from Big Train.... Keith doesn't have a liking for the Teletubbies does he?!
Joking apart, it is not too similar to Ming, I liked the computer game joke! The style seems quite modern - being slightly sketch show, slightly docu-comedy etc. I'd like to see a slightly longer, establishing scene though - perhaps Keith at his ZA meeting or seeing a friend that he knows or something?
Although I'm sure you've planned that to happen soon!