Wrote this ages ago for The Treason Show : (No idea why It's all in capitals)
Basically a mime with a voiceover.
CONDELLISA AIRLINES
AIRLINE STEWARD/STEWARDESS STANDING CENTRE STAGE
VOICEOVER:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME IS GENERAL O’BRIEN AND I'M YOUR CHIEF FLIGHT ATTENDANT. ON BEHALF OF MR PRESIDENT AND THE CIA, I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ABOARD CONDELLISA AIRLINES FLIGHT “XXX SHHHH”, NON-STOP SERVICE FROM.....AHHH SHUCKS NOW THAT WOULD BE TELLING! OUR FLIGHT TIME TODAY WILL BE 6 HOURS AND 35 MINUTES BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU IT WILL FEEL MUCH LONGER. AT THIS TIME, MAKE SURE YOUR SEAT BACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THE FULLY UPRIGHT POSITION. ALSO MAKE SURE YOUR SEAT BELT, MANACLES AND LEG RESTRAINTS ARE CORRECTLY FASTENED. WE ADVISE YOU THAT AS OF THIS MOMENT, ANY ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT APART FROM OURS MUST BE TURNED OFF. DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE SLIGHT HUM YOU MAY HEAR DURING TAKE OFF, THIS IS CAUSED BY OUR ELECTRICAL PROBES GAINING MAXIMUM CHARGE. THANK YOU.
AIRLINE STEWARD/STEWARDESS MIMICS ‘STAR WARS’ STYLE LIGHT SABRE FIGHT AND RETURNS TO STANDING POSITION.
VOICEOVER:
EVEN IF YOU ARE A FREQUENT FLIER WITH CONDELLISA AIRLINES WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE
THE TIME TO WATCH OUR SAFETY DEMONSTRATION. WHEN THE SEAT BELT SIGN ILLUMINATES...
...WELL HAR-DE-HAR...GOTCHA!!!
THAT’S IT BUDDY, GAME OVER! HOWEVER IF YOU MUST FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT, INSERT THE METAL FITTINGS ONE INTO THE OTHER, AND TIGHTEN BY PULLING ON THE LOOSE END OF THE STRAP, PLEASE MAKE THE MOST OF THIS ‘SPECIAL SKILL’, AS WE’LL SOON BE BREAKING YOUR FINGERS.
AIRLINE STEWARD/STEWARDESS FEIGNS BROKEN FINGERS
VOICEOVER:
TO RELEASE YOUR SEAT BELT, SIMPLE, JUST TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR! WE SUGGEST THAT YOU KEEP YOUR SEAT BELT FASTENED THROUGHOUT THE FLIGHT, AS EXPERIENCE HAS SHOWN THAT OUR FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DO NOT APPRECIATE TRYING TO RETRIEVE PISS-STAINED SHAKING BODIES FROM PASSENGER FOOT-WELLS.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS HOLDS NOSE WHILST TRYING TO REACH UNDER A SEAT
VOICEOVER:
THERE ARE SEVERAL EMERGENCY EXITS ON THIS AIRCRAFT.
IF WE NEED, WE CAN, AND WE WILL, BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO! PLEASE NOTE THE EMPHASIS ON WE!
PLEASE TAKE A FEW MOMENTS NOW TO CONSIDER YOUR OWN PERSONAL EXITS. IN SOME CASES, YOUR NEAREST EXIT MAY BE BEHIND YOU, HOWEVER BE ASSURED WE HAVE AN INTRUSIVE ELECTRICAL PROBE THAT WILL FIT ALL LOCATIONS AND SIZES. IN ADDITION, EACH MAIN DOOR IS EQUIPPED WITH A SIDE PANEL WHICH MAY BE DETACHED AND USED AS A TRIPOD BY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WISHING TO TAKE TROPHY PHOTOGRAPHS.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS RUBS BACKSIDE WHILST GIVING AN OTT SMILE FOR A POSED PHOTO.
VOICEOVER:
WITHIN THE AIRCRAFT OXYGEN AND AIR PRESSURE ARE ALWAYS MONITORED....JEEZ WE’VE GOT TO MAKE SOME CONCESSIONS TO THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
IN THE EVENT OF A DECOMPRESSION, AN OXYGEN MASK WILL AUTOMATICALLY DROP FROM A COMPARTMENT ABOVE YOUR SEAT....TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE BUT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FIND IT; WE DON’T WASTE MONEY ON INTERIOR LIGHTS, BESIDES YOU’LL BE BLINDFOLDED.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS WAVES ARMS FRANTICALLY.
VOICEOVER:
IF A MIRACLE OCCURS AND YOU DO MANAGE TO GRAB HOLD OF THE LITTLE SUCKER, PULL THE MASK TOWARDS YOU. AT THIS STAGE, AS THE MASK COMES AWAY IN YOUR HAND, YOU’LL HAVE NOTICED OUR SECOND LITTLE TRICK.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS MIMES FINDING THE DETACHED END OF THE MASK AND STARTS CHOKING
VOICEOVER:
IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY, PLEASE ASSUME THIS BRACING POSITION. CROSS YOUR ARMS AND HOLD THE TOP OF THE SEAT BACK IN FRONT OF YOU. / BEND DOWN AND GRAB YOUR ANKLES. MOST OF YOU WILL BE FULLY ACCUSTOMED TO THIS POSITION DURING YOUR STAY AT OUR SISTER OPERATION WITHIN GUANTANAMO BAY.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS CROSSES ARMS AND BENDS DOWN AND HOLDS ANKLES.
VOICEOVER:
FOR OUR IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT A 10,000 KILOVOLT ELECTRICAL GENITAL CLAMP IS
LOCATED IN A POUCH UNDER YOUR SEAT. HOWEVER CONDELLISA AIRLINES OPERATES A
STRICT NON SMOKING POLICY ON ALL OUR FLIGHT AND WE WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SMOKE EMITTING FROM ANY OF YOUR ORIFICES.
FLIGHT STEWARDESS MIMES WAVING AWAY SMOKE.
VOICEOVER:
WE WISH YOU ALL AN ENJOYABLE FLIGHT
