Telesales

Telesales

Tele-sales person on the phone.

Telesales

Hi is that Mrs Plumbatt, this is Julie Bitchkill from United telesales, I was wondering if
you could spare the time for a quick chat about our exiting new range of
conservatories…..

you’re on the roof, yes I wondered what the sound of wind was……

you’re husbands having an affair you’re planning on jumping, and frankly you don’t want to talk about conservatories, Mrs Plumbatt do you know what the chances of you dying if you jump off a two story house are?.......

.no, it’s 34%, and 63% chance of permanent disablement, and lets face it hubbys not going to be hanging around to take care of you……

no I’m not trying to talk you out of it, it’s just that if you jump onto one of our new Edinburgh range of conservatories it jumps to a 97% chance of instant death.

All that broken glass will give the cheating pig a really big clean up job, and then just as he’s feeling guilty at your death a £20,000 bill pops up……

I’m a heartless bitch, and you want me to taking a running jump? For £20,000 I could guarantee you I wouldn’t survive it.

I'm not very good at non topical so be harsh

EDIT: You've made the first part of my reply redundant!

dum dum dum

dum dum

nothing to see here...

Right.

The joke's a decent idea, but I think the dialogue needs working on. It's an absurd situation, but it still needs a semblance of realism, for instance when Winny (a poor name for a bitch, IMO) finds out she's on the roof about to jump she should have to look up the figures for death...

'you're on the roof? Hang on, don't jump yet, I have some figures here that might make you re-think. Ahh, yes.

'What storey are you on? Second - and is there concrete below? No, it's grass? Well, you realise your chances of death are only 37%. However, if you climbed another storey and could jump onto concrete, that figure would rocket to 85%...'

And why did she take the phone handset with her, and why answer it?

Well, IMO it worked really well. I think the situation is inherently absurd and any attempt to colour in the whys and wherefors only waters down the sketch. As such it made me laugh out loud which is incredibly rarewith the material on here.

A possibility for making it a little different if you're not happy with it is to have the rest of the telesales team in the office helping the woman out by holding up prompt cards with the statistics on etc.; that could be quite funny.

Implausible situations are at the root of a whole branch of comedy. If it's funny, the audience still buy into it.

Very funny, reminded me of an up to date Bob Newhart. For me the joke is that call centre's have scripts for all eventualities now, whatever we say to them to get the so and so's off the line.