Sitcom Scene

Complete revision of this scene. As only James commented on the first i just replaced it with the new one...hope its tighter.

THREE MEN SAT ROUND A COFFEE TABLE IN A HOTEL LOUNGE. THERE ARE THREE EMPTY PLATES. ANDY IS USING A LAP TOP. MARK AND NEV ARE TALKING.

MARK
What sort of tape?

NEV
A tape. Bedroom action.

MARK
Ahh, ok.

NEV
It’s here.

NEV STARTS TO RUMMAGE INTO HIS JACKET POCKET.

MARK
Do I need to see it?

ANDY LOOKS UP FROM THE PC.

ANDY
See what?

MARK
His tape.

ANDY
Tape of what?

MARK
Bedroom action tape.

ANDY
Paris, Pammy? Seen them all but happy for a repeat.

NEV
It’s me you idiot.

ANDY
You are a sick sick man.

NEV PUTS AN AUDIO CASSETTE TAPE ON THE TABLE, ANDY PICKS IT UP

ANDY
Sick and retro it seems.

MARK (TAKING THE TAPE)
It’s a cassette?

NEV
So?

MARK
I’m no expert but video is the norm.

ANDY
I’m expert, he’s right.

NEV
I don’t have a camera, anyway it was dark.

ANDY (MAKING BINOCULARS WITH HIS FINGERS)
Night vision mode.

NEV (IGNORING ANDY)
Here’s the problem.

NEV PUTS A SECOND CASSETTE DOWN

ANDY (IMPRESSED)
You’re in the wrong job stud.

MARK (READING THE SIDE OF THE TAPE)
Is that “Neville the Donkey”

ANDY
Is that your stage name?

NEV
My Mother wrote that.

MARK
What was she, executive producer?

NEV
My school nativity play is on the other side. It’s an old tape.

MARK
The donkey had lines?

NEV
I set up the tape last night...

MARK
You were alone?

NEV
No, I wasn’t alone. I was with Julia from accounts. Things are progressing. Oh, and I’m bringing her to poker. Hope that’s ok?

MARK
That's fine, so she liked the idea?

NEV
She’s played blackjack a bit. Said it sounded fun.

MARK (WAVING THE TAPE)
This idea?

NEV
I didn’t tell her. It’s our first time so I wanted to preserve the moment. Like pregnant women that get their picture taken.

ANDY
That’s pretty sick too.

NEV
So I set up my dictaphone in the…

MARK (INTERRUPTS)
Set up what?

NEV
My dictaphone, it’s tiny. She never knew it was there.

MARK
I can’t joke about that, I don’t know where to start.

NEV
Shut up, it worked fine but she was quiet.

ANDY
Quiet?

NEV
We’d both had a bit to drink, she was relaxed, but not vocal. Hence this second tape.

MARK
You did it again?

NEV
Better. I got up this morning and she’s doing crunches.

ANDY (TONY THE TIGER VOICE)
They’re greeeeeat.

NEV
Sit ups idiot. So I leave the tape running while I take a shower. (BEAT) I need you to mix them together.

MARK
Mix it?

NEV
Like you did with that sales presentation. The graphs and the music, all on that DVD.

ANDY
You’re Porn Diddy.

ANDY LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE, THEY IGNORE HIM.

MARK
You want performance charts?

NEV
You know what I mean.

ANDY
Isn’t it easier to tape the whole thing over again?

NEV
I haven’t listened to tape but I could hear her doing that damn workout with the shower on full blast. That’s the sound I want.

ANDY
You’re the Milli Vanilli of adult entertainment.

MARK
Do I get a pay rise for this?

NEV
No. But I’ll approve that crazy expenses form you put in for all that home office gear.

ANDY
You might get an OSCAR.

MARK
For a tape with no pictures?

ANDY
Best soundtrack

NEV
I’ve got to get back. I’m trusting you with this.

NEV STANDS UP

NEV (CONT)
Poker at 8 still?

MARK
8 tomorrow.

NEV
I’ll see you then.

NEV LEAVES WHILE ANDY STARTS SINGING QUIETLY

ANDY (TO THE TUNE OF GIRL YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE BY MILLI VANILLI)
Girl you know its true, ooh, ooh, ohh”

I'll open up with a lazy crit saying it had some funny dialogue.

Not sure the characters had unique voices. I think the concept of the episode could be explained a bit more clearly too. More of your favoured Office-style set-pieces too:
MARK
No, thank god. (BEAT) Name three movie stars.

ANDY
Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Rambo.

MARK
See, over 40 is fine. It’s a good age for man. Name one under 40.

PAUSE WHILE ANDY THINKS

ANDY
You don’t want to be 40. Be young, have fun. (BEAT) Harry Potter, well under 40.

But as I say, it had some nice jokes and I enjoyed it.

Actually - i thought that too and will re-write that bit to be less office like!

The characters voices is tricky....i am tempted to make Andy a woman as an easy way out

Episode concept - not sure how to do that without adding some exposition dialogue. I'll have a play with it.

MARK
No, thank god. (BEAT) Name a movie star under 40.

ANDY
Nemo

MARK (IGONORING HIM)
Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Rambo. All over 40.

ANDY
They're old men.

MARK
They're mature men. Comfortable with their age.

ANDY
You don’t want to be 40. Be young, have fun. (BEAT) Harry Potter, well under 40.

Complete revision of the scene so re-done my inital post.

Who are these characters? What are they doing? What are their jobs? Why are they talking about this tape in the first place? What's the story?

Without this information it's very hard to judge the scene's merits. After all, a comedy scene isn't just about gags and one liners, it's about pushing the narrative to comic conclusions, meaning judging it in isolation is nigh on impossible.

I did like the “Neville the Donkey” bit though.

M Lewis you're easily the best writer on here.

Everything you've posted has has a great pace, funny lines and some smooth non-clunky dialogue.

Really Seinfeldian at times, and it's always enjoyable to read.

Only criticisms are that yeah, the characters need their own voices a bit more, so that needs work but as stand alone scene it's really funny.

Quote: M Lewis @ February 22, 2008, 1:07 AM

NEV STARTS TO RUMMAGE INTO HIS JACKET POCKET.

MARK
Do I need to see it?

ANDY LOOKS UP FROM THE PC.

View original

I thought this was a joke at first - as in he's telling people about the tape - then he brings the actual tape out from his pocket.

The 'Do I need to see it?' I thought meant a sarcastic 'Do I literally need to see the actual physical tape?', which obviously holds no excitement at all.

I've sapped any potential humour from a joke that I don't think was there, but I thought if it was it'd be a great joke. (If any of that made sense . . .)

Having re-read the whole piece I've decided it's possibly the best narrative scene ever posted on here. High praise, but you're good. Very good.

The Milli Vanilli stuff is a great idea too.

Keep it up. If you keep writing like this, you'll get somewhere.

Thanks guys. David, i know the scene is a bit "lifted" from the story at random but i guess the idea was to see if it was funny or not. I know i could flick on Friends, Seindfeild, etc and find it funny without knowing much. However.....the basic situation is that Mark and Andy were mates who worked together....Andy was rubbish but then won the lottery, just enough so he could quit work and live of the interest (think Hugh Grant in Without a Boy)

They are still mates but with the added tension that Mark, deep down, feels it all rather unfair which doest help him as he is stuck in rut of a great job (financially) but that bores him silly.

Seafacts - the Voices thing is tricky so i'm going to make Andy a bit more thick (Keanu Reeves from 1990) Thanks for the praise though, very much appreciated.

I'v added some of the intro scene as that may set the characters up a bit. (Nev is Marks Boss, Andys old Boss)

INT – MARK’S HOUSE – HALL WAY

MARK IS ADJUSTING HIS TIE IN THE MIRROR. VICKY IS PUTTING ON HER COAT OVER A SMART SUIT.

MARK
What’s the point of a tie?

VICKY
Don’t wear one if you don’t like it.

MARK
It has no use, all form and no function.

VICKY (SARCASTIC)
Would you like one with a little pocket in it?

MARK
That would have purpose. A pouch for loose change, maybe a credit card.

VICKY
Is it safe to keep your money tied to your neck? You wouldn’t want to be mugged.

MARK
Build in a quick release. (BEAT) Like stripper clothes.

VICKY
Or, don’t wear a tie. You work from home anyway.

MARK
Slippery slope. First it’s no tie, then coffee every ten minutes, before you know it I’m watching Jeremy Kyle in my dressing gown and getting a loan to consolidate debt.

VICKY
Borrow a bit extra and invent that new tie.

MARK (THOUGHTFUL)
Circle of life.

VICKY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR

VICKY
I will see you at six’ish. Don’t work too hard.

THEY KISS EACH OTHER AND VICKY LEAVES. MARK WALKS INTO HIS NICE, PLUSH HOME OFFICE – SITS A WHILE THEN GETS UP.

MARK (TAKING OFF HIS TIE)
Coffee.

CUT TO CREDITS

INT – MARK’S HOUSE – LATER THAT MORNING

MARK IS SAT AT HIS PC – DOOR BELL RINGS – HE ANSWERS IT TO ANDY, DRESSED CASUALLY.

MARK
Your back

ANDY (EXCITED)
Got you the best present.

ANDY GIVES HIM A SMALL BOX WHICH MARK TAKES AND WALKS BACK INTO HIS HOME OFFICE WITH ANDY FOLLOWING.

ANDY
How’s my portfolio doing? You making my money grow?

MARK (OPENING HIS BOX)
It’s all fine. (BEAT) So how was it?

ANDY
Tom Hanks in Castaway right. That was us, but with loads of food, drinks, water skiing. Anything you wanted. We had a hut on stilts over the sea (BEAT) with a hot tub. Our own hot tub.

MARK
You weren’t paying attention when you watched that film.

MARK OPENS HIS LITTLE PRESENT BOX WHICH IS FULL OF SAND

ANDY
Direct from the Maldives. Paradise in a box for you.

MARK
Not many shops?

ANDY
Not many, no. (BEAT) And, get this, they don’t let you chum the water either.

MARK
Chum?

ANDY
Like they do for sharks, we fed them breakfast from our little deck and got told off.

MARK
By Chief Brody?

ANDY SITS AT THE SWIVEL CHAIR IN FRONT OF MARKS DESK

ANDY
You seen a white tip take a croissant?

MARK PUTS THE BOX TO ONE SIDE ON HIS DESK

MARK
I’ll treasure this.

ANDY
So how’s the office?

MARK
I’m home based now, hardly ever go in.

ANDY
They miss me I’ll bet?

MARK
You’d get good odds on that.

ANDY (NOT GETTING THE JOKE)
They ask about me?

MARK
They notice you’ve gone. That’s as good as I can do.

ANDY (LOOKING ROUND)
It looks like Staples in here.

MARK
I figured if I’m here all the time I should make a proper home office, and we get the spare bedroom back again. It’s getting decorated at the moment.

ANDY
Somewhere to sleep when Vicky kicks you out of bed.

ANDY LOOKS AT THE PC SCREEN

ANDY (CONT)
What’s Motornet?

MARK
Internet Forum for car owners. It’s like a chat room. You discuss, (BEAT) whatever you want really.

ANDY
I met Crystal like that.

MARK
This isn’t for finding women to take on holiday.

ANDY
It sounds a bit geeky dude.

MARK
I’m fishing. (BEAT) pick a topic and see who I can wind up.

ANDY SITS IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN

ANDY
Speed cameras?

MARK
I said we need two on every street and bigger fines. Bin Laden could blow up the Top Gear studios and he’d still be more popular on there than me.

ANDY
Is he for or against cameras then?

MARK (ROLLING EYES)
Doesn’t matter.

MARK GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND FILLS THE KETTLE.

ANDY
This you? Mark3.

MARK
That’s me.

ANDY (SHOUTING TO THE KITCHEN)
Can I have a go?

MARK
Chuck them a croissant. (BEAT – REALISING IT’S OVER ANDY’S HEAD) Yes.

ANDY
What you doing for lunch.

MARK
I’m meeting Nev.

ANDY
Work stuff?

MARK
He wants to discuss something “very private” apparently.

ANDY
Can I come?

MARK COMES BACK TO THE OFFICE

MARK
I’ll ask.

ANDY
Don’t these people have jobs?

MARK
Wackos sat at home in front of their PC. They need to get a life.

ANDY
I may have to stay here. This is addictive.

MARK DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS SPEAKER PHONE.

MARK
Nev, it’s Mark. Still on for the Moat Side?

NEV (O.S – ON PHONE)
I’ll be there. 1 o’clock right?

MARK
Yep, can Andy come?

NEV (O.S)
I thought he’s off spending his millions with some slapper in the Caribbean.

ANDY (WHISPERING)
Maldives.

MARK
Maldives, and he’s back.

NEV (O.S)
He can come if he pays. Tell him if he mentions his money I’m sticking his bonus ball up his arse though.

MARK
1 o’ clock it is.

HANGS UP THE PHONE

MARK
You’re welcome to come.

ANDY
I’ve got to pay?

MARK
Think of it as civilised chumming.

POINTING AT THE SCREEN

ANDY
Mate, you got banned.

MARK LOOKS AT THE SCREEN.

MARK
Yeah, that happened to Mark 1 and 2. You need to insult more subtlety.

DOORBELL RINGS AND MARK GOES TO ANSWER IT.