I'm putting this out for ideas because I'm a bit tired and would like to know which bits people find funny. I found it a little difficult trying to extract humour from such a dry subject.
SCENE: OVAL OFFICE. A MEETING BETWEEN VLADIMIR PUTIN AND GEORGE W BUSH. VLADIMIR HOLDS A LARGE BLACK UMBRELLA. BUSH IS EATING SOME PORK RIBS.
BUSH
Good to see ya, Dracula.
PUTIN
Vladimir.
BUSH
No. I’m Bush. George Dubya. (SMILES MORONICALLY)
VLADIMIR
I will tell you only once. Russia will not tolerate your support of the Kosovo ‘independence’ from Serbia.
BUSH
Feisty feller for a bloodsucking Russki, aincha?
AN AGITATED VLADIMIR WHIPS OUT HIS UMBRELLA AND STABS BUSH WITH IT. NO REACTION: BUSH STILL SMILING MORONICALLY.
BUSH (CONT)
We use flick-knives over here. They’re a lot quicker. (THE UMBRELLA OPENS) Gee, that’s bad luck.
VLADIMIR
Not for you it seems; there was enough ricin in that umbrella to kill a horse. You very crafty man. I thought they all call you a moron.
BUSH
Do I look like I live in Salt Lake City with twenty-five wives?
PAUSE
VLADIMIR
I think that is a Mormon, Mr Bush.
BUSH
Get outta here, they’re little trolls made outta felt.
BEAT
VLADIMIR
No, they are Moomins.
VLADIMIR CLOSES THE UMBRELLA AND TESTS IT OUT ON HIMSELF. STIILL NO EFFECT. OVER:
BUSH
Listen Igor, why do you guys even want Kosovo? As countries go … it’s a bit shit.
VLADIMIR
‘A bit shit’?
BUSH
Those Kosovo crackerjacks haven’t got a pot to piss in. Their main export was a donkey called Jack. They’re going it alone ‘cos noone else wants them. Those jokers don’t even get entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.
VLADIMIR
I think you try to deceive me.
BUSH
Seriously. Try ringing up the Kosovan embassy. (DIALS NUMBER AND HANDS OVER PHONE)
VLADIMIR
There is no ringing.
BUSH
Exactly. There is no embassy. They’re not important enough. They can’t even afford the phone.
VLADIMIR
This is serious, especially with NTL’s famously low rates.
VLADIMIR HANDS BUSH A LEAFLET
BUSH
Cripes, those rates are low.
VLADIMIR
We need to set our sites on countries of more importance - countries worthy of our industrious metal, potato and woolly coat industries. America! (EXIT)
BUSH CLEARLY HAS SOMETHING STUCK BETWEEN HIS TEETH AND LOOKS FOR A TOOTHPICK. HE FINDS THE DISCARDED UMBRELLA AND TRIES TO PICK HIS TEETH WITH NO SUCCESS.
BUSH
What a jerk. And he had the nerve to call me a Klingon. Those Russkies will never crack Uncle Sam.
HE THEN TAKES A PROTECTIVE CAP OFF THE UMBRELLA AND SMILES. HE PUSHES THE UMBRELLA IN HIS MOUTH.
END ON BUSH’S REACTION BEFORE HE SLUMPS OVER
