First scene of a sitcom

If you can spare a moment,
please give this a read and tell us what you think...
unless you hated it so much you want to track me down and punch me in the face...
of course.
sorry.

Eddy is standing next to a white board, which he set up behind the counter, arranging his different coloured pens.

Eddy: Alright, you listening?
Tim: yeah yeah
Eddy: I’m starting to think you have less passion for the shoe retail process than you should.
Tim: oh you are observant. Can we just get on with this?
eddy: ok, it’s pretty simple: we split them into two groups, for men and women, of course, then divide each section into twelve groups of two therefore splitting into all size categories, grouping half’s with their equivalent others, then break those groups down into seven pre-decided groups of colour or style before then arranging them into numerical/alphabetical order taking the lowest first three digits of the sort code as the pre requisite for dividing letters down further unless the three digits are split by two integers of equivalent value.
(Eddy draws an accompanying diagram whilst talking that turns out as a picture of a cat)
Tim: what?
Eddy: we split them into two groups, for men and women...
Tim: no no. why don't you just do them by brand?
Eddy: we don't actually have brands; they're all shoeniverse made.
Tim: what? Who buys their shoes here?
Eddy: mostly mums and their four to eight year olds. We sell loads of those ones with the lights in the bottom that flash as you walk. They’re cool - I need a pair of them.
Tim: eddy, your 22!
Eddy: fine
(David enters)
David: hello boys...
Tim: hi Dave,
David: it's David actually. I assume Edward here has show you how we do things around here
Eddy: yea yea, I was just showing him the way we err pile the err merchandise-y things... sir,
David: good good, (begins to walk away) Timothy, I have a feeling that you’re not right for our community here at shoeniverse. Let us just say I’m ‘watching’ you huh (does the actions to go along). If you make one mistake I’ll be on you like piss on a hot Turkish urinal... let’s just leave it at that. (Exits).
Tim: (imitating) 'I’m watching you'; what’s he all about? I don't know how you can take him seriously... siring him and all that.
Eddy: hey, I can be a rebel too you know?
Tim: when you were 15 you got a fake piercing because you thought a real one might hurt ‘a bit much’.
Eddy: yeah all right, just be kind of subtle around him
Tim: what, around the boss's bum-boy?
Eddy: whatever, just don't lose this job - you don't know how hard it was to get you in.
Tim: get me in?
Eddy: yeah; without qualifications and that.
Tim: I went to uni!
Eddy: yea for about a week.
Tim: a week and a half at least. I couldn't decide what course to do, you know? To be honest it’s not like you were qualified to work here - 17 with a few GCSEs.
Eddy: I did other stuff...
Tim: yeah like what?
Eddy: well I did my work experience with that old cobbler bloke in town
Tim: what cobbler Paterson?
Eddy: yeah
Tim: yeah? that’s nothing; his passion was for the key cutting, not the shoes.
Eddy: he dabbled with some shoe work...
Tim: well in case you haven’t noticed, the shoes aren’t made here; they’re made in Taiwan for 6p a shoe.
(Random lady waiting to buy shoes looks shocked)
Tim: ah come on you knew that.
Random women: yeah alright.
Tim: look I’m just as qualified for this as you.
Eddy: no because I’m creative.
Tim: no you’re not.
Eddy: there are things you don't know about me.
Tim: like what?
Eddy: well...I play the horn
Tim: no you don’t.
Eddy: yep
Tim: what kind of horn?
Eddy: (looks around the room) the err... shoe horn.
Tim: the shoe horn?
Eddy: yeah
Tim: that little bit of oddly shaped plastic for putting on shoes?
Eddy: or taking them off, yeah.... I’m grade eight.
Tim: how would you play a shoe horn?
Eddy: well with skill my boy.
Tim: ‘my boy’?
Eddy: You see it's an interesting instrument; it creates a slightly majestic, high pitched, almost wavy timbre.
Tim: really?
Eddy: yeah
Tim: wavy timbre?
Eddy: mmm, used by some of the great composers, such as Handel, to create translucent accompanying melodies.
Tim: huh?
Eddy: ... mainly in his later works - of course.
Tim: of course.
[Boss on speaker]: would that new boy with the frightfully delicious eyebrows come to my office please. Over. (Rustling) how do I? Oh ok (finally cuts out)
Tim: my eyebrows?
Eddy: hehe... I think the boss might have a new bum boy hehe.
Tim: Oi don't you mock me! This is just a stepping stone for me. Bigger and better things are on the horizon my friend.
Eddy: whatever eyebrow boy.
(Tim exits)
Eddy [to camera]: I wouldn't give him a week; when you've been in the business...
(Enter Tim)
Tim: hang on.
Eddy: what?
Tim: what you doing?
Eddy: doing my charismatic little aside to camera.
Tim: no we cut that
Eddy: what?
Tim: yeah
Tim [to camera]: sorry about this.
Eddy: but what about me showing off my acting talents? You know, doing my Shakespearian style soliloquies to the audience. Captivate them; add a whole new perspective on the story and that?
Tim: yeah we cut that.
Eddy: what so I can't do anything to camera?
Tim: no
Eddy: fine
Tim: alright. (Starts to leave) and don't get any ideas yeah?
Eddy: yea yea (waits till he finally leaves after jumping back into try and catch Eddy out)
Eddy [to camera]: twat.

You need to alter the format or many people will ignore it...i'm happy to read but it needs to be clearer.

LIke this would be a start:

EDDY
Alright, you listening?

TIM
yeah yeah

EDDY
I’m starting to think you have less passion for the shoe retail process than you should.

TIM
oh you are observant. Can we just get on with this?

I think you should cut 'the bum-boy' that's totally not PC

I'm undecided about the talk to camera part. I've always liked the idea of stuff like that, but am never sure whether it works well or not.

Hmm, yeah so thats not an opinion on your work I'm afraid, more of a lack of opinion! Sorry!

This isn't bad, actually (relatively speaking).

There's piles and piles of crap there but I'd still go as far as to say you have a talent for comedy writing. The script is, of course, a million miles from 'great' but there are lots of little golden nuggets sparkling away in your writing style. Keep it up and you'll become very unpopular very quickly, though. Tone it down a bit is my advice. Let it creep up on our members gradually.

What you and every other wannabe-comedy-writer need to learn about dialogue is that 'shorter is usually funnier'.

Where you have:

Tim: I went to uni!
Eddy: yea for about a week.
Tim: a week and a half at least.

I'd have:

Tim: I went to uni!
Eddy: For a week.
Tim: Ten days actually.

As you look at a script, think 'How many words can I delete without making it less entertaining?' The answer is usually 'Lots'.

The thing that guarantees it'll never ever be broadcast during your lifetime is that some of the humour is based on the once-fashionable belief that 'being gay' is a rock-solid basis for sitcom hilarity. It isn't.

Blacks, Jews, gays, taffies, paddies and jocks must not have the piss ripped out of them on TV any more. Those days are over. Substitute people with ginger hair and you're laughing (so to speak). When the audience see you kicking the gingers, they'll substitute blacks, Jews, gays, taffies, paddies and/or jocks in their own minds and everyone will be happy. That's how it works in TV.

Reminded me of The Mighty Boosh a bit... Tim=Vince, Eddy=Howard...