British Comedy Guide

Report Sketch

Int. Office

A man is asleep at his desk. The door opens and in walks a manager. He looks at the sleeping man.

Manager: What the?!

The man suddenly wakes up abruptly and starts typing away at his PC.

Manager: Were you asleep?

Man: Not at all. I was just... looking for something.

Manager: I need the... Is that an empty vodka bottle under your desk?

The man pulls out an empty vodka bottle.

Man: Uh, yeah. Yeah it is. I’m taking it to the recycling bin at lunchtime. For my... wife.

Manager: But you’re not married.

Man: Did I say wife? Haha! I meant my mother. My mother loves her vodka!

Manager: I thought she drank herself to death.

Man: Uh, she might have done. I can’t remember. Anyway, what was it you wanted? I’m very busy. Oh so busy!

Manager: I need the Henderson Report. I hope it’s ready.

Man: Is that the 10,000 word report?

Manager: Yes!

Man: I just need to spellcheck it.

Manager: Well bring it up to my office, pronto! I should have rung Henderson 5 minutes ago.

Man: You can rely on me.

The manager departs. The camera focuses on the man’s PC monitor. The mouse cursor double clicks on a file labelled “eth HeNDersson Reprt”. The file opens in a word processor program. The only text there is “The Henderson Report”. The focus goes back on the man.

Man: Just nine thousand nine hundred and ninety seven words to go. Easy!

The man cracks his knuckles and begins typing at an insane speed. Smoke starts coming off his fingers. The camera focus goes back on the monitor and zooms in on the ‘print’ button. It gets clicked.

CUT TO: The man pulling a large wad of paper out of the printer and sprinting off.

CUT TO: Int. Manager’s office.

The man comes running in and throws the report down on the desk. The manager looks through it and then up at the man.

Manager: What the hell is this?

The manager holds up the report to show that the man has written absolute gobbledegook.

Man: Did I misuse a semicolon?

ENDS

This sketch, I like.

I liked the first half and wondered if either it could end with the file name on screen and him forlornly saying 'shit', or the second half could be re-written.

It seemed to build to a point, and then not really work through to a strong ending.

Also, it reminded me a bit of the second ep of Peep Show series 4, where he has to present to the JBL board. But comparisons with Peep Show are no bad thing!

I decided to edit this a bit as I think Barbs was right. Anyway, here it is:

Int. Office

A man is asleep at his desk. The door opens and in walks a manager. He looks at the sleeping man.

Manager: What the?!

The man suddenly wakes up abruptly and starts typing away at his PC.

Manager: Were you asleep?

Man: Not at all. I’m busy working away!

The manager looks at the PC monitor.

Manager: Is that turned on?

Man: It’s rebooting.

Manager: Right, I need the... Is that an empty vodka bottle?

The man pulls out an empty vodka bottle from under his desk.

Man: Uh, yeah. Yeah it is. I’m taking it to the recycling bin at lunchtime. For my... wife.

Manager: But you’re not married.

Man: Did I say wife? Haha! I meant my mother. My mother loves vodka! It’s her special comrade!

Manager: Is that the same mother who drank herself to death 20 years ago?

Man: Uh, she might have done. I can’t remember, I was only 3. Anyway, what was it you wanted? I’m very busy. Oh so busy!

Manager: I need the Henderson Report. I hope it’s ready.

Man: Is that the 10,000 word report?

Manager: Yes.

Man: Here it is.

The man grabs a piece of paper and hands it to the manager. The manager reads it.

Manager: Oh this is excellent, just excellent. Now where are the OTHER nine thousand nine hundred and ninety seven words?!

The manager shows the piece of paper to the man - there are only three words on it. The man starts laughing like an idiot.

Man: This is all just an alcohol induced hallucination isn’t it! THANK GOD!

The man starts doing a little dance

Manager: No. It’s real life.

The man stops dancing, exhales sadly and hangs his head in shame.

Man: Shit.

ENDS

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