Int. Kitchen
Man sat eating his dinner.
Voiceover: (ADVERT STYLE) Do you suffer from voices in your head?
The man looks around
Man: Hello?
Voiceover: Ever wanted to silence them?
Man: To be honest, this is the first time it's happened
Voiceover: You don't have to be alone! Not that you ever are with schizophrenia.
Man: So what do I do?
Voiceover: Get yo' ass down to your local NHS surgery and demand antipsychotic medication! (QUICKLY) Surgeries not open on Sundays or Bank Holidays.
ENDS
I've liked your other stuff alot more. I actually find this kind of joke alot more offensive than swearing, and dildos instead. The idea of some one hearing voices in their head rather than it being VO is a strong one. But making it schizophrenia crosses a line for me. Howz about,
"Jim's next doors got a nice new car, want to do something about it?"
"Yes but I can't afford a loan,"
"Of course you don't, why not kill him, his wife, and his little boy, then steal the car!"
i liked it up until the end. i thought the ending was a tad weak.