This concept takes a bit of getting use to. its a tournament for comedians and has commentary like the real FA cup. Also Jesus Carr is a mix of Jimmy Carr and Jesus. Theres an uncensored rude word aswell so if your easily offended by th c word close your eyes and think of bunny rabbits. Thinking about it if your offended by any words relating to lady's bits you may want to avoid this.
SCENE 6. INT. FAIRLY AMUSING CUP-DAY
AN AUDIENCE IS IN A COMEDY CLUB. A COMMENTATOR IS COMMENTATING IN THE STYLE OF A FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR. AN OUT OF VISION ANNOUNCER INTRODUCES JESUS CARR.
MC: (O.O.V)
You may know him from the 100 Greatest 100 Greatest presenters. Its Jesus Carr.
JESUS CARR:
Hello. It promises to be a great match today. I tell you what’s not a great match me and Mary Magdalene. The problem is that for two days I haven’t been able to you know, stand to attention. I hoping to rise again on the third day.
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
Great joke there, warming up the crowd
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Hes a class act
JESUS CARR:
I do some jokes about fat people and this large lady came up to me after a show. She said I shouldn’t do it. I told her I didn’t care i'll do them any way. She said ‘you can’t, your out of order.’ I said ‘you c**t, your out of order.’
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
Colourful language but the crowd seem to be enjoying it.
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Well its common in the modern game
JESUS CARR:
Now let’s bring out the two competitors. From the old school its Brian ‘Big Hands’ McGee. And from the new wave its Luke ‘The Fish’ Fish.
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
The rules are very simple both competitors have three jokes, a topical joke, a yo-mama joke and a freestyle joke. Luke won the toss and chose to go second.
BRIAN MCGEE:
How do you get 20 illegal immigrants into a phone box? Tell them its being shipped to Dover
CROWD BOOS
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
Ooo, the crowd didn’t like that. The kick racism out of pre-post-modern comedy has been very successful in changing the attitudes of comedy audiences.
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Its just not acceptable now days.
LUKE FISH:
How many Tony Blairs does it take to change a lightbulb? 2. 1 to bend over the other to pull it out of his arse.
CROWD LAUGHS
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
That’s quality punnage from Fish and the audience show their appreciation.
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Quite right I think McGee is struggling.
BRIAN MCGEE:
Your mum’s so fat when she jumps she gets stuck
AUDIENCE ARE SILENT
COMMENTATOR1: (O.O.V)
Frosty reception there, I think the audience have heard that joke before.
LUKE FISH:
Yo’mama’s so fat she ate the doughnut factory
AUDIENCE LAUGH
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
Luke ‘The Fish’ Fish is cruising now. It would take something remarkable for Brian McGee to come back now.
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Its near impossible to recover now.
JESUS CARR:
And now for the final round.
BRIAN MCGEE:
Have you ever heard women saying that the clitoris is the only organ which is created purely for pleasure.
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
I’ve never heard Brian McGee use this sought of material before
BRIAN MCGEE:
I have two problems with this. Firstly, since when is a clitoris an organ? A heart is and organ, lungs are an organ but a clitoris is not. You don’t see doctors doing clitoris transplants.
AUDIENCE LAUGH
BRIAN MCGEE:
And if you’re an organ donor you wouldn’t want to get to heaven without a clitoris, you’ll be f**ked. But you wouldn’t enjoy it.
AUDIENCE LAUGH EVEN MORE
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
I don’t believe this.
BRIAN MCGEE:
Secondly I can think of another reason why a clitoris was created. To give young men premature arthritis. You know your with a girl who’s not ready you have to improvise so you use your fingers. Now being inexperienced you never find it but both of you are so embarrassed you spend the next half hour in awkward silence. Then the man leaves and notices his hand is shaking.
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
I think its all over…
BRIAN MCGEE:
Then he thinks shit why the f**k did I use my wanking hand!
AUDIENCE ERRUPT IN LAUGHTER
COMMENTATOR 1: (O.O.V)
…it is now. My God I’ve never seen anything like this before. Luke, yes he can’t respond hes conceided the match and Brian McGee has won. Amazing scenes. After that performance McGee has to be favourite to win the title again for the first time since 1979.
COMMENTATOR 2: (O.O.V)
Well I’m not sure that he wasn’t ‘bunged’ that last joke by another comedian but a lot of comedians use foreign material its part of the modern game. But what a comeback.
