Fidel Castro Announced his retirement today. I'd like to see him in a retirement home for World Leaders alongside Liz and Phil.
Backdrop of a retirement home.
Music: Theme to “Last of the Summer Wine”
The Queen, Prince Philip and Fidel Castro are sat in comfy chairs. Fidel is dozing. Liz and Phil are chatting to each other.
Liz:I’m not sure about this place Philip! It’s full of bloody old people.
Philip:Too late now Liz. Those bloody kids got me to sign the buggery forms!
Liz:But Charles said there’d be such nice people here.
Philip:Full of filthy foreigners I reckon...
Pokes Fidel with a walking stick and wakes him up.
Oi...beardey...what’ve you got to say for yourself?
Fidel:Don’t poke me...I’m Fidel...Fidel Castro...(SHOUTS) I’m Eighty One you know!
Philip:See! Very first one...bloody foreigner!
Liz:and I’m Elizabeth (SHOUTS) I’m Eighty One as well!
Philip:(SHOUTS) and I’m Eighty Buggery Six (BEAT) but nobody gives a toss!
Liz:(Squeezes Castro’s knee) It’ll be nice to have another youngster around! We’ll have so much in common!
Fidel:Common? Common? How can we have anything in common? I represent the face of communism, which America despises; and you represent a monarchy, which America adores (BEAT) and I condemn (PAUSE) .... Capitalist Peegs!
Philip:Typical of you Liz, buggered things up before we’ve even arrived. You’re on your own on this one!.
(starts to snuggle down in his chair)
I’m having a nap.... (PAUSE) ...and if I don’t wake up I don’t want that Jonathan Dimbleby doing the TV coverage. I want a ‘low key’ state funeral. Get that Davina Maccoll woman to do it; I don’t want too many people staring at me old cadaver on telly!
Liz:(Ignores Philip) 162 years clocked up between us, bet we’ve got more things in common than you realise Fidel.
Fidel:Hmmm....never! You’ve always had it easy! To grasp power I led a 9,000-strong guerrilla army into Havana
Liz:There you go; to grasp power I stopped feeding the bloody gorillas and flew home from Kenya!
Fidel:(laughing) I’ve never faced a fair election.
Liz:Snap. (laughs)
Both start to realise they have things in common
Fidel:none of my close relatives wield any real political power
Liz:Snap again! (laughs)
Fidel:none of my close relatives hold publicly visible jobs,
Liz:Snap! (laughs)
Fidel:none of my close relatives are likely to play a role in my succession.
Liz:Ah....now you’ve got me on that one!
Fidel:My people have never got over the death of Che Guevara. It’s always Che this Che that. Che Postcards, Che Key rings, Che bloody tea towels....it’s him they really wanted...
Liz:I know; I know.....my people have never got over the death of Diana. It’s always Diana this Diana that. Diana Postcards, Diana Key rings Diana bloody tea towels... ....it’s her they really wanted....
Fidel:(LEANS FORWARD) You know they say Che was killed; overseas, by an operative guided by the CIA!
Liz:Well (PAUSE) That sort of thing would never happen in my country!
Philip:(coughs loudly, shuffles an talks in his sleep) F**k me, now it’s Elton buggery John...is it never going to end Liz?.... is it never going to end? (nods back into a deep sleep)
Fidel:You know when I die, there is a huge risk of instability and chaos within my country!
Liz:And when I die, our lot have got Charles and Camila!
Philip cries out in his sleep and sits bolt upright.
Philip:Ahh.....the buggery nightmares again!!!! Nurse!! Nurse!!!
