Yes i do ......but i can view the whole thing in my head and relationships between all chracters it all being acted out.
But fair enough if u dont like.
Scene From Sitcom Page 3
But your on your own with that visualization. For every other person on earth it needs to come from the script. Its not that i "didnt like it" i just cant see where the laughs are on paper.
I didn't like the 2nd Superman reference...after you've said it once, move to somewhere new. Also, it was his adopted mum and dad not his nan and grandad.
At a guess James...are you a big fan of The Office? Are you a big fan of Lost? Have you consciously or unconsciously tried to mix these together?
and did his nan make his costume???? I thought he went on his little tour round the north pole with marlon brando and the got the costume thrown in?
Ok sorry to be harsh, but sit com characters should inspire laughter, often with a healthy dose of superiority, or sympathy in the viewer. Malcolm just inspires me to stab him in the brain.
Your funny situations, gags etc are way to rare, and not very original. It's also a very old hackneyed setting. Taking the mick of Cribs has been done adfinitum, and does any one still watch that show?
I think on some fundamental level you need to rewrite. Malcolm needs to go, or change from the ground up. The situations, and gags need to be sharper and more original. If you're going to use old groaner gags, thats fine alot of very successful comics do (and me). How ever they are sharpened and polished and often gently updated.
Also sitcom is all about interaction, and characterization. In all the bits you have sent the only character is Malcolm. Dads Army, Porridge, Red Dwarf are all filled with interaction, arguments, and bickering, it draws the characters out.
It's brave to put your sitcom forward, but in the nicest way possible, it needs to change pretty mcuh completley. Write characters you like, and let them pay with each other. Write some good original gags, and situations, or at least update a bunch of good stuff carefully.
Good luck.
STAB HIM IN THE BRAIN!! haha
Fair criticizing all round....i will adjust him...although everyone loves to hate a character right?
I think i will rework the whole thing or dump it...have'nt decided yet....Possibly may even just make him as sketch!!
Quote: James Gordon @ February 20, 2008, 4:06 PMSTAB HIM IN THE BRAIN!! haha
Fair criticizing all round....i will adjust him...although everyone loves to hate a character right?
I'm not so sure - who do you hate from sitcom world? Even David Brent is not "hated" he's laughed at and pitied. In fact, Steve Carell is far more likable and thus the US Office will run and run where as 12 episodes of Brent was enough.
The only character i would go out of my way to avoid in real life is a Chris Finch type - and you cant have them in a show for more than 30 secs before it becomes a turn off.
Maybe its about time theres a character that everyone hates and you watch to see him get his come-uppence every week!
Quote: James Gordon @ February 20, 2008, 4:34 PMMaybe its about time theres a character that everyone hates and you watch to see him get his come-uppence every week!
You have a point there, although that is more drama based I feel. In soaps, dramas etc. you have the bad guys who you want to see brought down. But I can't really recall such a persistent character in a pure sitcom.
Iam thinking it could be quite a good dark comedy...the stich ups and pranks he plays on people..(just an absolute nasty peice of work), getting his just desserts and coming back on him ten fold...along the lines of being seriously injured or hurt in every epiosde...(1 off eps. each week) Think kenny dying in south park each episode.
Quote: James Gordon @ February 20, 2008, 4:46 PMIam thinking it could be quite a good dark comedy...the stich ups and pranks he plays on people..(just an absolute nasty peice of work), getting his just desserts and coming back on him ten fold...along the lines of being seriously injured or hurt in every epiosde...(1 off eps. each week) Think kenny dying in south park each episode.
But no one would want to watch that...you watch a movie with a bad guy for the hero - even if you know he's going to get his butt kicked you wont watch someone for 30 mins waiting for it to happen. You have to have some positive feelings towards them.
Just an idea!! 
And its only a critique, if you think it'll work then go ahead. But most feedback seems to be the same. James, think, without any bias - would you watch that? And if there is even the slightest doubt, then its time to rethink.
My advice,
1 Get Mark Blakes book on sitcoms, and read it.
2 Consider doing his course.
3 Watch hours, and hours of sitcoms make notes, study characters.
4 Sitcom is a highly unique form of drama, that is reliant on super strong characters, and robust situations.
5 Write CVs for your 3 main characters (it's a good number)
6 Ask questions about them and answer them.
7 Write 10 pages of dialogue for 2 of them, where they are trapped in a situation, together
8 Give a page of dialogue from one character, to a friend, blank out the name, and then ask them to describe them.
You've got some good ideas, but you need to work on the fundamentals, not just the fun-da-mentals.
n.b. main characters need a trace of humanity, unless they are a complete monster that others react well.
Good luck Joel
In all I just thought it was a bit tired. It's very difficult to judge on the basis of a couple of scenes, but it seemed rather unnatural and more than a little derivative. The only thing I'd say is keep writing; I find writing like a long trek where what you write at the time seems *amazing* but a year down the line you look back on it and see the (often irrepairable) faults. So long as one keeps improving to that Platonic asymptote of perfection, all is well.
Or, it takes a while to write the crap out of your system. (Not saying this is 'crap' by the way.)
What I like, though, is that you're thinking of funny characters and situations rather than "gags". The only trouble here is that the characters seem to act rather unbelievably and that the situations have been done before. I'd say you should try to act more from your own experiences if at all possible. If you don't have sufficiently funny (and original) experiences to draw on and exaggerate, maybe you're not going to write a great sitcom until a few more years have passed.