Scene From Sitcom Page 2

Alright mate. I'm going to give you my honest opinion because that is what any prod companies will do.

I didn't like it. It didn't seem real or plausible to me. As a former psychology student, I don't know why one would go up to someone and start 'analysing' them. Clearly, this is an early draft so I won't hold any spelling errors against you, but make sure your SPAG is perfect before you do anything with it (e.g. one of the 'psychology' references is spelt wrong, and 'apologies' is spelt wrong in there too - obviously that doesn't affect the quality of the comedy, but its professionalism that'll make you stand out rather than being thrown in the bin). I didn't feel the jokes were strong enough either; it's a cringe-style humour (similar to the excellent work of Gervais & Merchant), but I don't feel its up to their high standard of cringe...maybe thats just because to me it felt forced, I don't know.

On the other hand, several people have said they do like it, so perhaps take my comments with a pinch of salt. You clearly have a character who stands out for the norm and who you have a lot of potential avenues to work with. And as I'm sure it's an early draft of the piece, you can tighten it up and make it a lot stronger.

If I was you and had just written that, I'd read it through and have a re-think about the set-up for the jokes and the execution of them. Then do a re-draft which will be much improved. But again, that is just me...you are probably looking for a different type of humour that I would be, so ignore whichever bits of this advice you feel are not appropriate for you. Good luck, mate.

Sorry Charisma's right, the female character is a bit stagy. Male sitcom writers tend to write sexy women walks on set. Male character chats her up, or gets humiliated by them. It can be a weakness. Also if your finding yourself short of jokes, I always just sit down and generate some on their own, and drop them into the script later.

To be honest Malcome doesn't sound like a very likeable character.

Malcolm - A Currently at Uni Mature student in 30's...says things without thinking...Who goes unnoticed and has no friends...and always gets stuck in awkward situations...and isn’t savvy enough to get out of them quickly without looking like a complete tool! (awkward funny type thing)

The fact that he doesn't have any friends limits (IMO) the amount of "amusing" incidents he can get involved in. He needs someone to either force him into these situations (because if i was him i wouldn't leave the house) or an arch nemesis who looks to humiliate him when ever they get the chance. Also i think he should be savvy, or at least have something about him that attracts people to him, but then he goes and balls it all up, you don't want him to come across as a one trick pony who just gets annoying. At the moment he seems more like a "sketch" character than a "sitcom" character.

P.S.

Use Word and make sure you use the spell checker and some of your grammar is a bit ropey. Re read what you write or get someone else to read it for you. Also don't worry about putting things in like [Stunned and shocked...and relising she has got him back for embarrassing her earlier] most actors are bright enough to get this from the dialogue. Apparently!

There's some potential there and it depends on execution. But I would put up something original rather than just retell a very old joke.

Quote: sootyj @ February 19, 2008, 3:52 PM

Tasha, so he can rhyme it with Slapper?
Lucy, as in loose.
Or go the other way with Theresa, Magdalena, Eve, and counter play the name.
Or go mystical with Lilith?

View original

Well Tasha doesn't actually rhyme with slapper and she is already an established Viz character.

Also the initial gag is as sooty says an old joke.

However the idea of a mature student being shown up by the younger students is a good original setting.

Cheers peeps

Al taken on board...Ill just re-iterate that its in its very early stages..therefore it may not look that professional...BUT i was told by a firend who also writes, that the best thing to do is get the individual scenes thought out and JUST WRITTEN...You can always change them later....

Regarding the comment on Malcolm not being likeable and annoying...i disagree, only a short scene of him getting embarrassed with and an old joke...has been stated...my style is incorporating old jokes with new gags that the viewer can relate with the old gags...and i can move them on with newer Intuitive brighter gags.
AND Also he is quite likeable as he still lives at home with mum and a whore of a sister who always bully him and so u tend to side with him....and does have a nemisis in his classes...a younger much clever type character who is more capable in everything malcolm does thus putting malcolm in these compromising situations.

Thank you though...Much appreciated.

Peeeaaccee!!

Formatting has been mentioned.It makes it easier to read if it's set out properly. I love good character comedy audience fall in love with the characters not story lines it's the characters that sell the show in my opinion.

People want to like all the characters even the baddies in away.

It was ok didn't stand out though for me, reminded me for some reason of Not Going Out

It is true that you should get ideas, etc written down to start with, but you should still write with some kind of grasp of grammar. it always helps. especially if you want other people to read it for you and give you an honest opinion of it's worth not just your poor spelling, etc. as for malcom he strikes me as a warmed up Frank Spencer. But even good old Frank had a Betty to make him more likeable. On his own he would just have been a twat.

Do you have anymore scenes you can put up?

ok another scene for you lovely people

This is the introduction for the episode

MALCOLMS LIBRARY
Them tuneASIS - Whatever
Introduction
[Blank dark screen then scrolling writing appears]

We here at the Chichester Herald [Local Press] have decided to follow the life of Malcolm Arnold, who has given up his life and job in favour of a new schooling program that will aid charity/voluntary work around the country at the Chichester University.
The documentary on this period of his life is to find out what has motivated him and why he has chosen this path....
[as final sentence scrolls off top of screen, and a slight delay] .....For free!!

Scene 1
[Monologue]
MALCOLM- It takes a special type of character to be educated enough and dedicate your life to voluntary work, i can only think of three other individuals who have helped and will acheive hopefully as much as i will....Princess Diana [pause], Superman [same pause]....and lastly [confident chuckle as he thinks as he is on par with the 3 people mentioned] Jesus Christ.

Scene 2
[Camera in living room and doesnt move from there!]

MALCOLM - Hi guys..welcome to my crib (inverted commas with hands).....im just about ready to go , so make yourselves comfortable....whats mine is yours as they say!!

CAMERAMAN - Who says that?

MALCOLM - You know....Er.... people (said slowly)

MUM - (from kitchen) Mmmaalccollm!!..Here a minuter!!
[malcolm raises eyebrows to camera cheekily and enters kitchen]
[Door is ajar and camera zooms in to see whats going on in kitchen]
Whats going on?...who are all these people oin my house??
[malc looks at camera through door nervously]

MALCOLM - Sorry Guys...i'll only be a minute.
[shuts kitchen door...camera zooms in on photo of malc and his mum]

MUM - I DO NOT.....[Screen goes black and white writing pops up '9 minutes
later'...then 17 minutes and finally 27 minutes later]
[MALCOLM EXITS KITCHEN TO LIVING ROOM...NOW BACK ON CAMERA]

MALCOLM - Think i better go get ready now...er...running late...(nods head to agree with self) yes running late...Wait here ill be two mins

CAMERAMAN - OK Shall we wait here?

MALCOLM - Well...you can do...or you could wait outside.......(awkward silence)...Its probably best you wait outside...(malcolm points to kitchen and shows and awkward face to reveal his mum is annoyed with him)
[camera pans to window with windy rain banging against the window..chucking it down]
....OK Come up to my room.

SCENE 3
[Malcolm in his bedroom getting ready and slicking his side parting to one side and putting on his tie]

MALCOLM- You see my mum doesnt really appreciate me leaving everything behind and pursuing voluntary work, which is hard for me as i need the support. All the best voluntary workers need support (pause and thinks) ..... i mean take superman for example (points to a superman poster behind him)...his nan and grandad were brilliant to him......his nan even made his costume.

CAMERAMAN - You do know superman isnt real right? (jokingly put)

MALCOLM - Huh? (looks into camera confused)

DO YOU FEEL THIS CHARACTER IS STATED ENOUGH IN THESE OPENING FEW FEW MINUTES??
IS THIS A GOOD BASIS??
IS IT AMUSING?

Sorry cant get past the first monologue. You might as well have Gervais there saying "I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions"

You're going to struggle with the moc doc concept unless you take it in a VERY new direction. And a talking head in the first secs is not it IMO.

ok - been generous and read it Serious question, where is the laugh other than the Superman /Jesus line and err....Superman at the end? If that's it you have some work to do because one is a poor steal from the most famous moc doc of all and the other isn't that funny.

I'm all for continued use of the moc doc...Gervais wasnt put off by People Like US/The Day Today (which were VERY good) so i dont think we should be put off by The Office......but you have to make a huge jump on from it - especially as a script by a nobody. DOnt forget Gervais and Merchant had friends in the media, had already written a TV show, Merchant was inside the BBC.....The Office wasnt written by them and just posted off to the Writers Room.

i agree. it's too office like. also the other scene doesn't seem to fit in with this one. there was no mention of it being a mock-u-drama in the other scene.

also this whole being awkward thing would get on my nerves after the first ten minutes. also comparisons of a negative nature to the office are not a good thing. that was done well, so anything trying to emulate that would just pale into comparision. i think you should drop the camera crew bit. this however was better written than your first scene you put up.

Thinking aloud - its a pity the moc doc thing is so hung up on The Office. A funny moc doc (ala US Office) as opposed to a cringe moc doc would be a genuine new direction for a UK show......but i just cant see it getting picked up while The Office is still so fresh. (If People Like Us had been a bigger hit i suppose Ricky would still be working in a real office!)

Fair Point....Im trying to create (not sure if its a new genre....but i certainly havent seen it about in the comedy world) of a docu-flash back/forward type thing..where you get to know the character soo well...and you are wonder which scenes are which..... past present or future..(sound confusing i know)....FOT THIS PARTICULAR IDEA....There would be past present future scenes in each episode...for example...having a scene where malcolm is in future...then abit later on, in his past then back to present....and im hoping the viewer...will like working out theses while enjoying some good comedy.
I HOPE!

sounds overly complicated. sitcoms, like any other story, should have a beginning, a middle and a end. Not an end, beginning and middle. if people don't understand it then they switch off. also to be blunt there isn't that much comedy in what i've seen so far. what you have written just isn't that funny.

You are trying to re-do the office in the style of Reservoir Dogs!

Both of which required some borderline genius to create.....I'd start somewhere else!

Getting back to the comedy, if you were watching the scene you just posted...where would you be laughing?