Scene From Sitcom

A scene from my sitcom which is currently underway

A Quick Character Background
Malcolm - A Currently at Uni Mature student in 30's...says things without thinking...Who goes unnoticed and has no friends...and always gets stuck in awkward situations...and isnt savvy enough to get out of them quickly without looking like a complete tool! (awkward funny type thing)

INT - THE STUDENT BAR WITH MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY IN BACKGROUND tentatively.

Malcolm is on his own relaxing In the bar at a University when very pretty young lady comes up to him

Lady in bar - [Caked in make-up and short mini skirt] "Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" [wink wink]"

Malcolm - "Er Excuse me.(MUSIC STOPS IN BACKGROUND)...No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" [Loud obnoxious manner as he thinks she is a prostitute.]

[Everyone in bar looks at malcolm with lady who is very embarrassed at the situation and moves down the bar]

After a few seconds

Malcolm - (mutters to self)"Bloody Hookers...There Everywhere nowadays"

Barman - (overhears Malcolm and interupts) "She is a physcology student not a lady of the night..HAHA..Shes in hear quite alot"

Malcolm buys 2 drinks and walks over to her with everyone in the bar watching and apologizes and pushes a drink over to her. She smiles at him.

Lady In Bar - "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I just like meeting people and studying them and how they respond to new people and situations..I Apoligise."

Malcolm - "Im sorry for snappnig...i accidently thought you might be..a..er ..Prostitute!"

[To which lady in bar responds, at the top of her lungs]

Lady In Bar - "What do you mean sleep with you for £150? GET OFF ME!"[Exits Bar quickly]

Malcolm - [Stunned and shocked...and relising she has got him back for embarrassing her earlier] "Huh?..." (raise of eyebrows pretending someone has called him..exits shot quickly]

I HOPE YOU LIKE..ITS A SIMPLE GAGA... BUT MORE INTERESTING...IS YOUR THOUGHTS ON HOW THE STRUCTURE OF THE SCENE IS SET OUT AND THE WAY ITS WORDED.

I Look forward to you ripping me to pieces!

Nicely done, it's a bit of an old joke though. Also you'll get told off for your presentation, capitalise character names. But well set out, it sets Malcolm's hapless character quite nicely.

Thanks SootyJ!! Noted and taken aboard!!

Hi James

Although it was easy enough to read it is not set out in the "correct" way. Though don't get hung up on this. I mention it only to point out that it's a good idea to get used to best practice.

If what you write grips the reader then they will be liable to read to the end providing that it's not so messy as to put them off.

I would suggest that you visit BBC Writersroom and have a look at their script archieve and then set your stuff out that way. You can download a free MS Word template called Smartscript which is fine for sending things off to production companies but copying and pasting it on here only buggers up the formatting.

On the script itself - I think it's OK but you need to imply the character's feelings and reactions by what they actually say rather than telling this in your directions. So not so much in brackets, make the reader see this in the dialogue.

Hope this helps and good luck with your project.

I've been trying to think what it is that makes this script different from the likes of Fawlty Towers, Blackadder and Dibley. I suddenly realised - it's the formatting. Being a bit slow, I took so long to work it out that other people have posted the answer before me. Still, I tried.

Quote: FoxyBox @ February 19, 2008, 2:07 PM

I've been trying to think what it is that makes this script different from the likes of Fawlty Towers, Blackadder and Dibley. I suddenly realised - it's the formatting. Being a bit slow, I took so long to work it out that other people have posted the answer before me. Still, I tried.

View original

Nice comments!! Thanks

I will check out that writers room template...Cheers

I love the character of Malcom. There are loads of potential scene setters for him & ways he can f**k up.
You have had some good advice already so far.
Well done & keep writing.

In the first episode Malcolm as a 21 year old sister who is an absolute whore!!! She is always having one night stands...and in the morning malcolm always meets these "MEN"
It adds to soo many more awkward cringing funny moments to the series

IM TRYING TO THINK OF A NAME FOR HER!!!
ANY IDEAS ON FUNNY SLUTTISH GIRLS NAMES??? As at the mo she is just called Paula!! I Think theres a better one out there for her.

Tasha, so he can rhyme it with Slapper?
Lucy, as in loose.
Or go the other way with Theresa, Magdalena, Eve, and counter play the name.
Or go mystical with Lilith?

Nice!! Do i need to go contact the LOST Producers!!! so i can have loads of t'internet buzz about her name..I Like Tasha!....real classy!! (Apologies to anyone on this site called tasha! haha)

Is it the same person? She must have no luck what so ever.

Great Research Griff!! applauded...i may mix the two together! Kelly- Basingstoke!
Kasey or Belly!! haha or somethign along them lines!!

Quote: James Gordon @ February 19, 2008, 3:45 PM

She is always having one night stands...and in the morning malcolm always meets these "MEN"
It adds to soo many more awkward cringing funny moments to the series

View original

I shared a house with this woman in the 80’s!!!

One night when she was out we made a replica of one those ticket machines you get at the deli counters in supermarkets, stuck it to the outside of her door and then put all the dining room chairs in a row on the landing with a ‘Please Wait For Your Number To Be Called’ sign above them!

She did not see the funny side when she got home.

HAHA!!! Im glad my episode relates to your life!! A few million people like you and i've got a SMASH HIT!