This is a scene from episode two of my sitcom 'Adverteyes' and is a detour from the main plot and characters. It has a blatantly nicked joked from Monty Python but if the Simpsons can nick it then so can I. Its in the style of a fly on the wall documentary
SCENE 1. INT. US SITUATION ROOM
THE TOP BRASS IN THE US ARE SITTING AT A TABLE. THE WORDS ‘RECONSTRUCTION’ APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
GENERAL:
This is a map of the world’s terrorist hotspots.
A MAP HIGHLIGHTING THE MIDDLE EAST IS SHOWN
GENERAL:
This is a map of all the countries which hate us.
A MAP IS SHOWN HIGHLIGHTING ALL THE COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD INCLUDING THE WEST AND EAST COAST OF AMERICA
GENERAL:
We have burnt all diplomatic bridges. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Its time to call the only other power which was hated by the world and is now loved.
SECRETARY OF STATE:
You don’t mean.
GENERAL:
Yes, get me Downing Street.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. DOWNING STREET SECRETARY’S OFFICE-DAY
TWO MALE SECRETARIES ARE SQUATTING ON THEIR DESKS. THE PHONE RINGS. THE WORDS ‘ACTUAL FOOTAGE’ APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.
SECRETARY 1:
Remember if you touch the floor your gay
THE OTHER SECRETARY REACHES BUT CAN’T GET PHONE. HE REACHES AGAIN GETS PHONE AND FALLS DOWN.
SECRETARY 1:
Ha Ha, you're gay
SECREATARY 2:
Hello, Downing Street.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. WASHINGTON/DOWNING STREET PHONE CALL
THE PRESIDENT OF THE USA AND THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE UK ARE HAVING A PHONE CONVERSATION. THE WORD ‘RECONSTRUCTION’ APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
PRESIDENT:
(INTO PHONE) So you see prime minister we need your help
PRIME MINISTER:
The United Kingdom stands shoulder to shoulder with the US.
PRESIDENT:
Thank you Prime Minister. (HANGS UP PHONE). They’re bending over again.
PRIME MINISTER:
Get me MI5
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. INT. MI5 HEAD QUARTERS ANTI-TERRORISM DEPARTMENT-DAY
AGENTS ENGLISH, SCOTTISH, ETHNIC QUOTA AND WOMAN ARE IN THE ROOM. AGENT ENGLISH IS WATCHING THIS MORNING ON THE TV. HIS BOSS, ‘L,’ WALKS IN AND HE SWITCHES TO AL JAZEERA. L IS TALKING ON A PHONE. THE WORDS ‘ACTUAL FOOTAGE’ APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.’
L:
(INTO PHONE) I don’t care if he’s catholic agent Irish’s new code name is Agent Orange. (HANGS UP). Good morning Agents English, Scottish, Ethnic Quota and Woman. Right lads the PM wants results. We need to turn the tide in the War on Terror. As usual the Yanks want us to sort out their mess. They’re doing their part so we have to do ours.
AGENT ENGLISH:
So they are stopping extraordinary rendition?
L:
no
AGENT ETHNIC QUOTA:
Closing Guantanemo?
L:
no
AGENT WOMAN:
Closing secret European prisons.
L:
That’s a secret but no.
AGENT SCOTTISH:
What are they doing.
L:
They have guaranteed the PM an after dinner speech tour when he retires. Right do we have any leads?
AGENT SCOTTISH:
Well I thought of a way of getting round racial profiling. If we look in the phone book at the names which look suspicious and question them. If they happen to look Arabian its just a coincidence.
L:
We need results, solid leads. Come on think
SILENCE
L:
Pass the phone book. This could be one
FINGERS ON THE PAGE JONNY MCTERRORIST
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. EXT. TERRORIST TERRACE-DAY
AGENTS ENGLISH, SCOTTISH, ETHNIC QUOTA AND WOMAN DRIVE UP A STREET. THE FIRST HOUSE HAS A BURNING CROSS ON THE FRONT LAWN. THE SECOND HAS A DEATH TO AMERICA BANNER AND THE THIRD HAS LOTS OF RABBITS IN THE FRONT GARDEN WITH A SLOGAN SAYING SAVE THE ANIMALS.
AGENT ENGLISH:
Number 4 is our house. We’ll stake it out and record any suspicious behaviour.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6. INT. MI5 HEAD QUARTERS ANTI-TERRORISM DEPARTMENT-DAY
AGENTS ENGLISH, SCOTTISH, ETHNIC QUOTA AND WOMAN ARE BRIEFING L
AGENT ENGLISH:
Heres a shot of Mrs McTerrorist with a towel on her head with what appears to be a gun.
SHOWS PHOTO OF MRS MCTERRORIST WITH A HAIR DRYER AND TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HER HEAD.
L:
right
AGENT WOMAN:
Even more worryingly here is a photo of their son attending a junior terrorist camp with fellow terrorist children.
SHOWS PHOTO OF A NATIVITY PLAY WITH MCTERRORIST JUNIOR DRESSED AS A SHEPHERD.
AGENT ETHNIC QUOTA:
When the parents discovered outsiders taking photos they were very aggressive.
L:
My God we’ve always feared training camps in the UK.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7. EXT. TERRORIST TERRACE-NIGHT
A GROUP OF ARMED POLICE VECHILES ARE WAITING AROUND THE CORNER OF TERRORIST TERRACE. L IS BRIEFING THE POLICE
L:
We have to be a subtle as possible so we don’t scare them off.
THEY ENTER STREET WITH SIRENS BLAZING. THE KKK DROP THE GUY THEY WERE LYNCHING. THE AL QAEDA TERRORISTS BLOW THEMSELVES UP AND THE ANIMAL TERRORISTS SHOUT SAVE THE ANIMALS. THE POLICE DRIVE PAST ALL THREE HOUSES.
MET CHIEF:
Are you sure this is the right house?
L:
yep
MET CHIEF:
Because last time it wasn’t.
L:
It definitely is this time.
MET CHIEF:
Are you sure?
L:
yes
MET CHIEF:
Right men don’t fire a shot until
SHOT IS FIRED
ARMED OFFICER 1:
Sorry.
MET CHIEF:
Until you are sure they are terrorists.
L:
They definitely are terrorists.
THEY RAID THE HOUSE. THERE ARE LOTS OF GUNSHOTS. THE TV CREW ENTERS THE PROPERTY AND ENTERS THE KITCHEN
MR MCTERRORIST:
You shot me!
ARMED OFFICER 1:
He was talking funny
MR MCTERRORIST:
I was choking
TV CREW GOES UPSTAIRS TO MCTERRORIST JUNIOR’S BEDROOM. MCTERRORIST JUNIOR IS PLAYING A GAMES CONSOLE USING A CONSOLE GUN.
ARMED OFFICCER 2:
Put the gun down!
MRS MCTERRORIST:
Whats going on !?!
ARMED OFFICER 2:
This is a raid hands up!
THE TV CREW GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS ONTO THE LAWN WHERE THE MET CHIEF IS BRIEFING THE PRESS.
MET CHIEF:
I haven't entered the property or talked to the commanding officer however I can definitely say on the record without fear of prejudicing any future trial that the police did a brilliant job and that a ruthless terrorist network has been broken up. Thank you.
REPORTER:
Is that a small child being loaded into that police van?
MET CHIEF:
(LOOKING WORRIED)Er no comment.
CUT TO: