Sketch Comp 19.2-25.2.8

Congrats...

The current winner's FRED PETERS! You win 10 points and joy. (PM me for next week's subject plis.) Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Fred Peters
3 - 5 - Jude
2 - 1 - Charley

Speshul mention: James Williams, Badge, jacparov, Nigel Kelly.

The new subject is MYTHICAL BEASTS, chosen by Frankie Rage.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25 Feb 2008.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

77 - Frankie
66 - Charley Rance
60 - Baumski
55 - Jude
39 - Fred Peters
22 - Michael Monkhouse
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
16 - Paul Watson
17 - Ellie
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Dannyjb1
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
05 - Nigel Kelly
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Winterlight
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm thick. Thanks

PRE PACKAGED. Radio Sketch.

GRAMS : Ride of the Valkeries by Wagner

THE UNICORN

FX: WHINNEY

THE GRIFFIN

FX: EAGLE SCREECH

THE HYDRA

FX: SNAKE

All Mythical Beasts

Until now…

Here at FasTech. the worlds foremost experts on DNA splicing techniques have been working tirelessly day and night to make the myth a reality, creating the very creatures that up until now we could only read about.

After years of extensive research what was once legend is now a reality and it's time to share the fruits of our labours with you, the public.

Finally we can answer the time old question what does fried Griffin taste like, fried?

With our new range of lunch time snacks you can find out for yourself with Griffin and Avacodo Wholemeal Sandwiches or Kraken and Humus Pitta Bread, and why not try our new Hydra and Cream Cheese Dip…

Put the fantasy into your lunchtime.. With FASTechs Lunchtime Food Range

a unicore and a cyclopes in a room.
thats a accident waiting to happen.

INT
A MASS EXPLOSION IN AN OIL DEPOT. 2 MEN KILLED. BLOWN UP. KERBOOOOOOOOM. THERE IS ONLY LITTLE DIDY PIECES LEFT.
THE WIVES ARE CALLED IN TO TRY TO IDENTIFY THE IDDY DIDDY PIECES. AN EAR, A HAND A PAIR OF BALLS & A COCK.

WIFE 1
(DABBING HER EYES) None of it looks like my Jimmy.
(SHE EYES THE WAY THE BALLS ARE ABOVE THE COCK & THE HAND & EARS ARE EITHER SIDE OF THE COCK) It looks like a horny, mystical Beast.

POLICE OFFICER
So Madam you do not recognise any of these parts.

WIFE
(PICKS UP THE EAR & STARES AT IT). No. This is not him. I spent a lot of time looking at the side of my Jimmy’s head. When he was driving, sleeping & while I was talking to him. He had terrible black heads.

POLICE OFFICER GESTURES TO THE HAND. THE WIFE PICKS IT UP.

WIFE
(SHAKES HER HEAD) I would know my Jimmy’s hands anywhere. I dodged them enough. (CLOSES THE HAND INTO A FIST & GOES TO ALMOST PUNCH HERSELF IN THE FACE) No it is definitely not my Jimmy.

POLICE OFFICER HANDS HER THE BALLS.

(SHE ROLLS THEM IN HER HANDS, THEN LIFTS THEM UP TO HER EYES & DANGLES THEM) Hmmmm!(BRINGS THE BALLS DOWN TO MID LENGTH HEIGHT & KNEES THEM) I have kneed my Jimmy often in the balls. & that felt nowhere near as good. They are not my Jimmy.

POLICE OFFICER HANDS HER THE COCK.

THE WIFES EYES LIGHT UP. SHE HOLDS IT, ROLLS IT, SQUEEZES IT, SMELLS IT, LICKS IT, KISSES IT THEN HOISTS UP HER SKIRT & THRUSTS IT IN.
3 MINUTES LATER.

WIFE 1
(EYES CROSSED & BREATHING HARD)No that is not my Jimmy.(RELUCTANTLY HANDS THE COCK BACK)

WIFE 1 WALKS OUT. THE POLICE OFFICER REARRANGES THE PIECES IN THE SAME POSITION. WIFE 2 WALKS IN.

WIFE 2
(DABBING HER EYES). (SHE EYES THE WAY THE BALLS ARE ABOVE THE COCK & THE HAND & EARS ARE EITHER SIDE OF THE COCK) (SHE STARTS TO WAIL UNCONTROLLABLY)
That’s him. That’s my Bobby. I would recognise that face anywhere.

Int. Psychiatrists Office

The minotaur is lying on the psychiatrist's couch. A psychiatrist sits by his side.

Psychiatrist: How have you been getting on this week.

Minotaur: Not so well. I gored someone again.

Psychiatrist: Oh dear. I thought we'd been working away from anger.

Minotaur: I know, but I keep seeing red.

Psychiatrist: Who was it this time? Heracles, Oedipus or perhaps another of the Argonauts?

Minotaur: No. It was David Bowie.

Psychiatrist: David Bowie?! What has he ever done to you?

Minotaur: He keeps claiming he's the king of the labyrinth. I'm king of the labyrinth!

Psychiatrist: We've been through this before. It was a film.

Minotaur: He shouldn't say it. I don't go round claiming that I wrote 'Space Oddity', do I?

Psychiatrist: What you’re talking is absolute nonsense.

Minotaur: No it isn't.

Psychiatrist: You're right. (BEAT) It's bullshit.

ENDS

SCENE 1
INT. A PROFESSOR IN HIS STUDY ON THE PHONE.

PROFESSOR:
..of course I remember you Mrs Blenkinsop, “..honest as the day is long..” yes ”..best housekeeper I ever had..” yes, I did say that and because of that I’ll come over and take a look, but I can't really believe you've sighted Big Foot in your council flat, Mrs Blenkinsop..

SCENE 2
INT. MRS BLENKINSOP’S FLAT. DOOR BELL RINGS. SHE OPENS THE DOOR.

MRS BLENKINSOP:
Professor Golightly! Please come straight through, I’ve brewed some tea..

MRS BLENKINSOP LEADS THE PROFESSOR THROUGH TO A LARGE LOUNGE WHERE VARIOUS ITEMS OF FURNITURE HAVE BEEN KNOCKED OVER. THERE IS A SMALL TABLE WITH A TEA TRAY. MRS BLENKINSOP STARTS TO POUR WHILE THE PROFESSOR PERUSES THE CARPET WHERE THERE IS A HUGE SINGLE HUMAN FOOTPRINT ABOUT EIGHT FEET LONG.

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST

INT DAY. GAZZA ENTERS A PET SHOP.

GAZZA PROWLS AROUND THE SHOP WITH HIS TONGUE OUT, THEN GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH THE SHOPKEEPER.

Shopkeeper:
Hello, can I ..hey..aren’t you….

GAZZA PUTS HIS INDEX FINGER TO HIS LIPS AND BELLOWS ‘SILENCE!’ IN A BRIAN BLESSED VOICE. GAZZA THEN STARTS DOING THE CAN CAN WHILST SINGING ‘THE FOG ON THE TYNE’.

Shopkeeper:
Ah, that was a good song for a footballer, better than ‘diamond lights’ by Glenn and Chris..

Gazza:
Don’t mention that man’s name! He’s a dirty squirrel!

Shopkeeper:
You mean Glenn Hoddle?

GAZZA SINGS IN A JAMAICAN DANCE HALL STYLE:

Gazza:
Nooooooo! Hoddle talks twaddle, Hoddle is a nobble, Hoddle’s balls wobble and he eats a smeg breakfast!

Shopkeeper:
Are you after a pet?

Gazza:
Gimme a griffin! Gimme two griffins!

Shopkeeper:
I’m afraid we only have animals rooted in contemporary truth.

Gazza:
Then nail a lion to an eagle, ya mong!

GAZZA LICKS THE SHOPKEEPER’S FACE A GRUNTS A LOT.

Shopkeeper:
Look, I can sell you a parrot, or a nice hamster.

Gazza:
Tell ya what, I’ll meet you half way.

Shopkeeper:
Go on then..

Gazza:
I wanna werewolf.

GAZZA TWEAKS THE SHOPKEEPER’S NOSE.
THE SHOPKEEPER GETS ON THE PHONE WHILE GAZZA SINGS TOM JONES’ ‘SEX BOMB’ WHILE POINTING AT THE ANIMALS.

Gazza:
Wiyiye, that’s a nice hamster. Can I see its minge?

Shopkeeper:
Hello, hello, yes, ambulance please.. I think Paul Gasgoine needs sectioning..

AT THE SAME TIME TWO NEWCASTLE FANS STUMBLE THROUGH THE DOOR AND START GURNING AT THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE ANIMALS.

Newcastle fan 1:
Thuthuthugh! We’re the Pet Shop Boys, man, like this shop is well mint, thuuuuuuuuuuur!

Newcastle fan 2:
Wiyiye, duuuuuuuuur. Aye, show us yer big hairy rat, man.

THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY AND START TO JUMP AROUND SQUAWKING. THE SHOPKEEPER DISAPPEARS INTO THE BACK, STILL ON HIS PHONE AND GAZZA MAKES HIS ESCAPE.

FADE

SCENE - COUNCIL OF ANIMALS

UNICORN : Look - I'm fed up with this.

LION : What's the problem?

UNICORN : I - rather we - just want equality.

LION : How do you mean?

UNICORN : Well, me and the other Mythical Beasts just want some recognition.

LION : Look - it's not our fault you're so elusive. I mean if you want equality maybe you should let a few more people see you.

UNICORN : Is that fair? I mean do we have to be seen to be believed?

LION : Oh stop whinging.

UNICORN : No - it's no good. Me and my colleagues are considering taking industrial action.

LION : You mean - you're going on strike.

UNICORN : That is one possible course of action - yes.

LION : So how will that benefit you? How will it make us think "Ooh dear - I think the Mtythicals mean business. We'd better bow to their demands".

UNICORN : That's the trouble. Nobody takes us seriously?

LION : Well - nwhat do you expect? Half man, half bull; winged horses; one-eyed giants; and what exactlty are you? A horse with the horn?

UNICORN : Watch it mate. Have you heard of Lion Kebab?

KEEPING AN EYE OUT

Baby Cyclops: Mummy why do we only have one eye?

Mummy Cyclops: Piss off.

Baby: I don't understand. Why do we only have one eye?

Mummy: Leave me alone.

Baby: But why do we only...?

Mummy: You're getting on my tit.

EXT. DAY. ARMY TRAINING CENTRE

DRILL INSTRUCTOR: (loudly and quickly) Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

A DRAGON IS MARCHING QUICKLY IN FRONT OF THE DRILL INSTUCTOR.

SOLDIER 1: What's that all about?

SOLDIER 2: Oh, the dragons getting a mythical beasting.

ENDS.

Comp's closed - let's have those votes till Wednesday midnight!
Thanks

David Chapman

FRANKIE RAGE

MR MONKHOUSE!

Fred - for some reason. It made me laugh although I'm not sure why.