The Ultimate Sketch

A good-looking young woman is walking along a busy street.

She's stark naked and carrying a suitcase in each hand. One case has a big label saying 'sex aids'. The other has a label saying 'condoms, tampons, pregnancy testing kits and panty liners'.

She's wearing a seaside-style cowboy hat that says 'F**k me. I'm a slapper' and protruding from the hand-band is a letter from her doctor confirming she has cervical cancer and it's inoperable.

Needless to say, she's also doubly incontinent and has big tits.

She says a few things and other people say things but all you need to know is that whenever she speaks, she uses lots of swear words and so does everyone else in the sketch.

Oh yes, and she has a broad northern accent.

I apologise to all the people who have just soaked their pants laughing at this hilarious sketch.

But, hey - that's comedy.

It was almost funny, so close.

Just rewrite it with her as an illegal immigrant, riding a sheep that Bin Laden's inferring with.

Couldn't I just get a popular member to re-post it for me?

Hang on though, the sure-fire comedy content of the sketch plus a popular writer would mean the avalanche of ecstatic reviews would cause the site's bandwidth allocation to be exceeded.

Better leave it as it is.

Sorry foxy. My pants are still dry.

A little timid I thought. Are you absolutely sure you can't get an abortion in there?

Quote: Ray Dawson @ February 19, 2008, 12:53 PM

Sorry foxy. My pants are still dry.

View original

That means one of two things. Either you hate me or you have good taste in comedy. Or both, of course. Which is three things.

Don't know you well enough yet to hate you. Give it time.

Quote: David Bussell @ February 19, 2008, 12:55 PM

A little timid I thought. Are you absolutely sure you can't get an abortion in there?

View original

The above version of the sketch is for the weekend showing of my forthcoming comedy show.

In the 11 o'clock Friday version, she's walking very bandy-legged while some old crone lying flat on her back trundles along the pavement underneath the girl between her legs on one of those tray-type thingies mechanics use to slide in and out under your car. The old woman's prodding away at the girl's insides with a knitting needle and a straightened-out coat hanger.

The sketch finishes as the foetus plus several litres of blood, womb-lining and f**k-knows-what-else gush out onto the old dear's face.

Better get more bandwidth.

This is a winner.

It's just crude

Quote: bushbaby @ February 19, 2008, 1:09 PM

It's just crude

View original

The best way to succeed in any business is to see what's already successful and do it BETTER. Comedy's no different. This stuff gets big laughs and ecstatic reviews in other threads. I'm learning from the top people in the BSG comedy business. I'm just starting out in the business so I'm probably somewhere between Richard Branston's pickle and Ruth Badger's beaver. I may be in the gutter but I'm looking at the stars.

Yes but other skits are political, or surreal as well as crude.

Try these additions

George Bush walks out says
"I'm George Bush and I am a smelly bum,"
Then he blows himself up, because he's a suicide bomber or something like that.

Captain Pugwash walks out and
"I'm Captain Pugwash and I'm off to roger the cabin boy, up the bum,"
Then blows himself up because he's also a suicide bomber.

See now it's not crude, it's relevant clever, and makes you think.

I am aware that I am parodying my own low style.

Quote: sootyj @ February 19, 2008, 1:21 PM

Yes but other skits are political, or surreal as well as crude.

Try these additions

George Bush walks out says
"I'm George Bush and I am a smelly bum,"
Then he blows himself up, because he's a suicide bomber or something like that.

Captain Pugwash walks out and
"I'm Captain Pugwash and I'm off to roger the cabin boy, up the bum,"
Then blows himself up because he's also a suicide bomber.

See now it's not crude, it's relevant clever, and makes you think.

View original

Okay, after the old lady gets gunged in the face by all the ex-baby components, she blows herself up because she's a suicide bomber. Establishment Club, here I come! Political satire? You ain't seen nothing yet.

I think the key is, FoxyLady, that you don't let it bother you.

If you post something up that is genuinely funny, then people will not refuse to laugh at it or comment. If they do then, well, I don't know what to say.

Not bad but could she not blow herself up on a bendy bus, being driven by a drunk Ken Livingstone. Who then runs over David Cameron on his stupid bike, who crashes into a pot in which Boris Johnson is being boiled by Lee Jasper who is dressed as a Zulu warrior. At which point a cockney Osama Bin Laden, comes on dressed as a Pearly King, singing

"Maybe it's because I'm a Muslim that I am such a ****"

Before snogging the queen who is dressed in full on S&M gear, and is forcing a Corgi up Paul Burrell's fundament, whilst he eats Diana's corpse.

All this is being watched by Benazir Bhutto and JFK who are poking each other in their bullet holes, with Vera Drake's knitting needles.

Then the two girls from the 2 Girls 1 Cup video hand out chocolate cones, whilst Ronlad McDOnald sprinkles the tears of freshly slaughtered veal calves on them.

Whilst this goes on 2,000 Somali war orphans watch Dawn French eat the entire UN Food aid budget for Africa, for 10 years. Whilst the ghost of Jeremy Beadle gives them syphilis with his withered hand.

At the same the cast of Schindler's list dance to Aushswitz to the tune of, There no business like Shoah business.

Then somebody says "Maddy",

and that's going to far.

Then some one else says
"It's the Aristocrats"
and we realise it was a crappy film all along

This was an intellectual thread until Sooty started saying baloney things.

He is Paul Burrell in real life and I claim my five pounds.