RACIST NORTHERN VAMPIRE DAD
1.INT. CASTLE FRONT ROOM. NIGHT.
VLAD AND HIS WIFE ARE SAT IN THEIR JIM-JAMS IN THE CASTLE LOUNGE. VLAD LOOKS AT HIS WATCH AND SIGHS ANGRILY. WE HEAR A LOUD ECHOEY SLAM AS THE FRONT DOOR GOES.
THEIR DAUGHTER MAGENTA ENTERS.
VLAD:
(NORTHERN ACCENT)
Eyup. Speak of the bloody devil.
MAGENTA:
Oh hiya Dad. Mum. What are you two doing still up?
VLAD:
Waiting for you my girl, that's bloody what.
MAGENTA:
Oh yeah, sorry. It's a bit late I know.
VLAD:
'Bit late'? 'Bit late' she says, Mother! It's quarter-to-five in't bloody morning, lass. Sun'll be up soon!
MAGENTA:
(SULLENLY) Oh, so what?
VLAD:
'So what'? 'So what' she says Mother! You're a bloody vampire, girl! What do you think the sun'll do to you? Give you freckles?
MUM:
Oh, go easy on her, Vlad love. She looks tired.
VLAD:
Tired? I'm the one that's bloody tired Mother. Tired of having no respect in me own bloody castle, that's what. I'll go easy when I know where's she's been.
MUM:
Where have you been Magenta? We've been so worried, love.
MAGENTA:
Nowhere. Just to a club. With Winston.
VLAD:
Bloody Winston? Who's he when he's at home?
MUM:
Oh you know Winston, love. He's that nice boy from the woods behind the village. Mr Lupus's son.
VLAD:
(OUTRAGED) Lupus?! Oh you've got to be kidding! Not that bloody Turnskin!
MAGENTA:
(HORRIFIED) Dad!
MUM:
Vlad, really! There's no need for racist language. He's not a turnskin, he's a werewolf.
VLAD:
Werewolf, Turnskin, whatever. I'll tell you this for nowt. No daughter of mine's going courting with a bloody moon-monkey. You know my views on lycanthropes. They come over here, eat all our peasants...
MUM:
Vlad!
MAGENTA:
Dad!
VLAD:
Well! They don't even bother to speak our bloody language do they? Just go around howling and grunting at each other like bloody animals. Turns my stomach it does.
MAGENTA:
(TEARFULLY) Oh, I can't listen to this. I'm going to bed.
SHE STORMS OUT AND WE HEAR HER RUNNING UP THE STAIRS TO HER ROOM.
VLAD:
And don't you dare slam that bloody coffin lid!
F/X:
LOUD ECHOEY SLAM
END OF SKETCH
Nice one!
