H and H
Mick and Keith are on the stage.
Mick
Hi we’re the Rolling Stones, don’t do drugs they’d make a grown man cry.
Keith
Especially not 100% pure Bolivian coke, blown up your arse by a Balinese whore.
Mick
er yeh, with drugs you’ll be all on your own, like a rolling stone.
Keith
Yeh and don’t take the little yellow pills, they give you the shits, the green one’s are much better..
Mick
Keith you stupid tart, we’re supposed to be putting the kids off taking drugs.
Keith
Why?
Mick
I dunno, cos if Ami Winehouse doesn’t stop using them all there won’t be any left for us.
Keith
Yeh and I get real grumpy if I don’t get my H and H at bedtime.
Mick
H and H ?
Keith
Heroin and Horlicks.
Tesco
Bob a supermarket inspector is talking to the Chief exec of Tesco Sir Terry Leahy.
Bob
Right, Sir Terry Leahy I’m from the governments new, super duper, tough supermarket monitoring, task force and I have some questions for you.
Terry shrugs
Bob
Why do you sell teenagers, Old Slasher Mac Happy –slaps brand cider?
Terry shrugs.
Bob
And preteens Teletubby fun pop, alco pop pops. Which are 50% vodka, 25% sugar, and 25% Gorilla testosterone?
Terry shrugs.
Bob
What about Bernard Mathews F**ked Chickens? Not only are they raised in appalling conditions. But he charges Zoophiliacs 25p each to abuse them, before slaughtering the poor birds, for your shelves.
Terry Shrugs.
Bob
You’ve gone to far, you nasty, depraved peddler of poison.
Terry pulls out his mobile phone.
Terry
I’d like to donate £500,000 to the Labour Party, yes I’m A, N, Onymous, not Terry Leary.
Bob
Well done you’re a credit to British retail.