30 Somethings

This was our poker game the other night - thought it would be a good idea for a sit com! Bit of poetic licence taken.

INT – JAMES’S FLAT - EVE

SCENE IS A LIVING ROOM OF A SPARSELY DECORATED, BUT MODERN, FLAT.
FOUR MEN ARE SAT AROUND A POKER TABLE. ONE IS 22, TWO ARE 35, ONE IS 42.

THE GAME IS OVER AND THEY ARE CHATTING.

JAMES - 35
I had a hair cut today.

NEV - 42
It looks the same.

JAMES
It got complicated.

NEV
The haircut?

JAMES
The shampooing.

MARK - 35
Isn't cutting the fiddly bit?

JAMES
The girl that washed my hair, first she smiled at me.

MARK
You’ll need more than that.

JAMES
I have more, then she rubbed (BEAT) excessively.

MARK
What, painfully?

JAMES
Erogenously.

MARK
How’s that work?

JAMES
She washed as normal, shampoos as normal then puts conditioner on and her hands (BEAT) strayed.

MARK
Is there much scope for straying?

JAMES
She took her time, lots of nails on neck (BEAT) some ear brushing.

NEV
What part of the ear?

JAMES
The outside.

NEV
Top or lobes.

JAMES
Oh, all over. A bit of lobes.

NEV
Your hairs pretty short, she’s a long way from Kansas if she’s touching lobe.

MARK
Maybe she’s thorough. (BEAT) Did you have your eyes open.

JAMES
Not sure, what difference does it make.

MARK
I had a hair cut after Vik asked for the divorce. I shut my eyes for the wash, mind wandered, imagined it was her. I nearly asked for a second chance instead of a latte. (BEAT) Maybe your mind wandered.

JAMES
Eyes were open I think.

NEV
Sounds like she’s giving you a sign.

JAMES
That’s what I thought.

MARK
You think she flirted with your head?

JAMES
Why not? She can’t ask me out directly, code of ethics.

MARK
Do the shampoo girls have an ethics code?

NEV
It’s a sign. Trust me. Been there.

MARK
To his hairdresser?

NEV
No. I used to get a sports massage, once a week.

MARK
You don’t do sport.

NEV
Don’t need to. (BEAT) I wore cycle shorts for it, didn’t cycle either.

MARK
And hands strayed?

NEV
Hard to tell for certain.

JAMES
Exactly my problem.

NEV
There was a lot of groin focus that I felt unnecessary.

JAMES
For a hair washer, ears are the head’s groin.

MARK
And you raised this with them?

NEV
Not at first, but after a few weeks the focus moved to the gluteus region. (BEAT) Got to draw a line.

MARK
We all need boundaries.

NEV
Anyway, I told the manager and got assigned a new therapist.

JAMES
You think it was (BEAT) sexual?

NEV
I think so, it was flattering but I’m there to relive tension not build it.

MARK
You still go?

NEV
Not for a while. The new girl was professional but her touch wasn’t as good as Zak’s.

JAMES
Ok, that is nothing like my hair cut.

NEV
It is.

JAMES
Stop Talking. (BEAT) So anyway, I’m going to go back. To be sure.

MARK
You going to ask her if she fondled your head?

JAMES
Can’t do that. If I’m wrong I’d need to change hairdressers. I’m just going to get another haircut.

NEV
When?

JAMES
Tomorrow.

MARK
Won’t that look odd?

JAMES
No, I asked them to do a light trim today. I’ll say I’ve had second thoughts, take more off.

MARK
Can’t fail.

JAMES
And this time I’ll encourage her. She if she responds.

NEV
How?

JAMES
I'll complement her technique.

MARK
Chuck in an oh and and ah if she strays.

JAMES
Yeah, a little moaning would work.

NEV
Don’t moan, that just made Zac worse.

JAMES
You’ll be asked to leave if you carry on.

IAN – 22
Why don t you just ask her out?

JAMES
Because I’m not 19 in some wine bar. I’m 35 in a room full of women. I need to adopt a mature and sensible approach to avoid looking ridiculous.

MOMENTS SILENCE

NEV
I suppose he might have just thought my glutes were tight?

CUT

I liked the set-up, but the dialogue feels stiff (if that's the right word?) It may liven up with performance, maybe in the style of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Not sure if this is actual transcript of your night, it does sound like it. Go over it again and tighten it up and add a few more jokes.

It wasn't lol, but I did in some way enjoy it.

I thought there were some great lines in this. 'Ears are the heads groin', class! javascript:add_emoticon('')

Liked this

Ears are the head's groin..loved that

Thought this was great.

Didn't think the dialogue was too stiff. Reminded me a bit of the dialogue between Jeff, Steve and Patrick in 'Coupling'.

lol - depending on scheduling the ears are either the heads groin or the heads testicles. Thought i'd write it as pre watershed for now

I'm with Leevil on this one; it seemed to be one joke stretched out over a whole scene. It was a funny little joke/idea but IMO it did go on a bit.

The dialogue was really nice - and the pace made it zip by. It had some great jokes and a nice turn of phrase.

This is one of the best things I've read in the critique section.

Thanks. Something i have struggled with is a story. I can do this sort of scene but i cant come up with stories!

Still, thanks for the comments.

Some good dialogue, but too much of it for one scene.

Also I don't understand why it's important to know your characters exact ages? Anyway, you should always do this in the scene description:

THREE MEN ARE SAT ROUND A POKER TABLE. JAMES AND MARK ARE IN THEIR MID-THIRTIES; NEV'S SLIGHTLY OLDER.

I've put 3 men on purpose, as I noticed Ian only got one line, so is generally pretty useless in this scene (sorry 'real' Ian).

I noticed you say you struggle with storylines - maybe you should enlist the help of a writing partner - you could work out the dialogue, while they constructed a framework to pin it onto.

Keep writing

I wanted to like this M, but ultimately it sounds a bit like a pastiche of David mamet written by Patrick Marber on Nick Grosso's typewriter.

Hell, I still like it, but it's indulgent and... well it sounds like a pastiche.

The best advice or crit I can give you, is you can never go wrong sticking your stuff up on here.
I have learned more in the last 48 hours than I ever have..
That said. I liked it. It has a certain warmth. Needs IMO a few more gags or smilies. It does have a few amazing lines. One having already been mentioned. Several times. Thats such a good thing. It means we all like that line. In a world full of liquorice allsorts, that my friend is achievement.

Over-all quite good. Re read in a week.

You may find quite turns to very.

I've just read it, before reading the other comments, and it turns out I loved the same line too.

Overall, it's believable and fun banter, but not sure it actually leads anywhere. If it does, it may be that I missed it due to the length.

Whatever, it's well worth the price of admission for "that line" alone.

Hello, Newman.